Worried our separation will make DD's anorexia and MH worse

[redbluesky]

Our marriage hasn't been working for many years, we've tried countless times to "fix" things. We decided to separate in December but haven't actually separated yet. Mainly because we have no idea how to tell 14 year old DD who is currently struggling with anorexia and depression. Things have only been getting worse I don't want to throw this news on her too. She has a tendency to blame herself for things that certainly aren't in her control, along with really struggling to cope with situations like this that she cannot control which is partly why she became anorexic, wanting to have control of something. She's obviously noticed something is going on, she's heard us arguing, noticed we don't sleep in the same room anymore but still I cannot bring myself to actually tell her but we can't live like this forever. I'm not sure how to tell her, it never seems like the right time to

Is she having any counselling?

The fact that her anorexia started prior to the breakup suggests that she hasn't felt 'in control' for a long time. What kind of relationship do you have with her? Do you feel she's really able to talk honestly with you? Do you feel you really listen? Do you have perfectionist tendencies that have rubbed off?

I'm asking you as the mother of a 13 yr old dd who self-harms, and I'm also divorced so no judgement here but i feel as parents we have to be brutally honest with ourselves about how we may have contributed so we can find ways to do things differently. I've asked myself all these things and i'm still struggling with the answers.

It may even be the underlying dynamic between you and her dad that has contributed to her eating disorder so in the long term things may improve after separation. I don't know the situation so obviously I'm just guessing.

Another thing that might help is mediation - to give her a safe space to express how she feels with someone neutral to facilitate. Again, my dd and i had a session if this and it did help. Organised through our local CAMHS service.

She's having counselling in and out of school, we do have a good relationship but it's hard to get her to open up, she's very closed off and distant to everyone. I encourage to speak to me though and I'm beginning to get an idea of why she developed an eating disorder. I'm not sure exactly where these perfectionist tendencies came from exactly, she's been that way from a very young age and in some ways this was been a good thing but in recent years it's effected her in a very negative way

My dd is very similar. She has always had to be 'the best' at everything right from when she was in reception. Sometimes I think because she was the eldest we unconsciously put a lot of pressure on her that my younger two didn't have.

Anyway, it's good that you feel you have a good relationship and it is hard to get them to open up at this age even without these problems. Maybe speak to her counsellor, tell them your concerns and ask if they have any ideas on how to broach the subject. You're probably right that she will have picked up a lot already so the sooner you can be honest with her the better.

It may well help her.

The tension in that house will be astronomical right now and she's 14, she'll probably know already.

It may be a relief and improve things for her. No more sense of responsibility as to whether her parents marriage fails or not.