My ex being unreasonable

[Charlie09]

Help!
I need advice. My ex is controlling and manipulative. He has a new gf And rather than go through the last 7-8 months.. it’s bascislly been up and down. He says I won’t leave him alone and I’m harassing him and his gf. Despite the fact I try and constantly cut contact and he tries everything to not allow me. I did have a break down last year as a result of coming out of an abuaivd relationship and I did email him lots as I was a mess. But he was also calling and messaging me and if he thought I was with anyone I’d get messages calling me a slapper or he’d threaten to introduce his new gf to our children.
Anyways... I haven’t emailed him for months and I’m fact we have been ‘civil’. I say civil as basically that’s not a normal persons civil. It where I basically do and say whatever he wants and let him come and go as he pleases. He would call and text loads of times of the day. Before he’d go to his gfs and as he left. I even gave messages when he’s with her! In the end I had enough as I felt like his puppet and tbh I thought I was strong enough to not let it emotionally effect me but I’m not dead inside so him playing with my whilst being with another woman got too much. He lied to me and was lying to her. I know I shouldn’t have been surprised as all the man does is lie. He told me he wasn’t spending mother’s day with her and her children (when he was). So I had enough and told her everything he’s done and said to me.
Anyways, they put on a show and pretended to split up and Taunt me all day. He sent me messages telling me to tell her I’m lying or he won’t ever give me money for the kids etc. He said he liked how it had been.
Anyways.. it all kicked off and later on she found a picture of me on his phone (which he must have stored from when we were together). She finished with him and he turned up drunk at my house at 2am (I woke up to him sitting on my bed). He was abusing me calling me ugly and fat, I’m thus and that etc. Then basically asked me to ‘help him out’ as it’s the least I could do. He left at 7am and then rang me abusing me more and said to never contact him again (I said the same).
So that was two weeks ago. I’ve not contacted him. I’ve had 4 missed calls from witheld numbers and on wed he rang me abusing me when he had the kids, I then had ten missed calls as I refused to pick up.

I then get a call from the police saying he had reported me for harrassment! She said I could get arrested and lose my job. He had shown emails from last year! I said that how can I harass him when he’s the one calling and messaging me? He had sat there and played mr nice guy and the policewoman totally bought it. She was totally on his side despite seeing his history on the police log with restraining orders and abusive behaviour! She didn’t care about my side!
I felt like it was fine for him to do and say as he pleases but if I retaliate by messaging him then I’m in the wrong. He’s allowed to call me 20 times a day, tell me he wants me dead, that he’s going to destroy me and no one wants me etc and show up at my house and scare me in the middle of the night! But I can get done for emails from last year?!
She said he doesn’t want to take action but to not contact him apart from about the kids and if it’s not I’ll get arrested! I said.. so basically carry on as I have as I’ve not contacted him for weeks! Before then he was happy to constantly contact me and try it on with me but now he doesn’t want his gf to know his lies etc he’s using the police to threaten me!

Anyways. I told the police I want no contact, not even about the kids. To go through a third party and to tell him that.

Now... he calls my 9 year old on his phone from 7.30am onwards. He will call 4-5 times in a row if my child doesn’t answer. Then he calls in the day and sometimes a few times on the evening. If I’m amicable he would call me and speak to me and not the kids.. so it’s like he’s doing it to check up on me and control me still. It feels unfair he’s allowex to do that when we have agreed no contact! I’ve releatedly said I’d get the kids to call him once a day before bed but he gets angry and doesn’t like the lack of control and says they’re his kids and he’ll contact them as he pleases. I’ve blocked him today as I’m with them and don’t want the constant calls when I’m with them. He’s tried ringing him 6 times and got his sister to call him. Surely this is harrassment? It stresses my child out as he always asks why his dad now constantly rings him. What can I do? Am I being unreasonable by saying they’ll call him every evening?
I’m even more so worried he’ll go to the police about me again for not trying him constantly call the kids, I feel that I can’t do anything or I’ll be the one to blame. I just want him to leave us alone and be fine with one call a day. UGH.. what can I do?

Take the phone away from the 9 year old.

Sorted.

Go through CMS for child support. Take his key off him. Don’t put the kids in the middle by not picking them up if you were meant to. Don’t contact him or his gf. Is there a third party who can mediate contact arrangements? Or put something proper in place, make the DC available at those times and don’t have any contact with him at all.

He saw them this weekend as was his weekend. He only has them for a few hours on a Wednesday and one night every other weekend. I would never not let him see or speak to them but the calls to my child are excessive and our child gets stressed by it.
He’s just had missed calls from his man, his uncle, his auntie and cousin. All because he’s not picked up to his dad this morning. He’s trying to paint me as a bad person but there’s no need to speak to them this much when he doesn’t have them. I’ve said before bedtime every night. I’m not feeling totally harassed and stressed by his family. Again.. it’s like they can all do what they want and I have to sit there feeling bullied and harassed. Normally they’re at school so he wouldn’t speak to them until after school anyways... so why does he think it’s ok getting everyone to call my child making out I’m stopping him speak to him? It’s bedn one morning!!
I literally feel stuck by all of this.

Take the phone away from the 9 year old.

Sorted.

Block his number on both phones, unblock it once a day to talk at bedtime with the kid.
Then reblock it. You are giving him too much headspace.
Stop chatting and replying to him. Let him send all the abusive messages he wants, don't reply at all unless it's a question about dropping off or picking up the kids. He will make himself look like an arse with the constant messages and calls. You are giving him too much power here.
Go through CMS for the child maintenence so theres one less thing for him to message about.

I honestly feel like whatever I do I’m the one who’s in the wrong and he’s scheming of ways to get me in to trouble. It’s bedn one morning and he’s got his entire family involved! I’m only trying to set boundaries and even my 9 year old said to his uncle he’d call his dad before bed as he doesn’t want to be constantly called by him and was shocked his uncle had called him! They can’t see how bad their behaviour is and making out I’m bad! I have blocked his number which is why he’s then got his whole family calling him! I was going to unblock it later as I don’t mind them talking once a day before bed and my child is happy with that too.
I’m scared anything I do will be turned against me and that they’ll use my past messages against me. I just want to move on and for him to leave me alone but I feel the constant badgering of our child is a way to get at me too 😢
Is there anyone I can contact to help? He just wants to set his own rules and be in control and have everyone doing as he pleases. My head is about to explode.

Take the phone away from the 9 year old.

Sorted.

Stop minding what the heck anyone else thinks about you. No matter what he's going to try and make out you are wrong, so stop caring. Block and unblock when it's convenient to you, put the phones on silent then the kids don't answer either.
I'd screen shot all the abusive stuff he sends, and keep it all safe. His family are not your problem you are allowed to ignore the lot of them.
You have to be consistant, ignore ignore ignore, block and unbloack as needed. Be consistant if nothing else and don't blame yourself for him being a total prick.

Look you’re a grown up -

Block the phone or take it away - easy

Keep repeating - Wednesday is visitation, children will be available then you don’t need to say anything else, about anything

He’s dragging you into his drama and your feeding it. You know you are.

Take the phone away from the nine year old or change the number. Don’t give it to your ex or his family.

Block his number on your phone, or change your number. If you need to contact him about the kids have a PAYG number just for that. Stick the sim in an old phone (Nokia brick would do) for when he has the kids. Keep all texts and calls logged just in case.

Change the locks on the house. Don’t give him a key. Don’t give the kids a key.

Get CMS to sort maintenance.

Thank you. I’m just worried it’s me doing something wrong. I unblocked this evening so when he called before bed they were available. He rang gone 6pm. Told our child I had blocked him and his family and that he’ll show him how to unblock. Asked what he’s been doing all day and criticised what we had done and then asked what we are doing this evening. Then an hour later he rang again. My 9 year old said ‘why is he calling me again.. we just spoke’.
Oh he also said on the phone that he has a recording of his message on voicemail saying he’s been blocked? Why he’s reckrded his own message I’ll never know?
Making out though I’m in the wrong. It makes me feel I am when I’m trying to set boundaries and stop him invading our days as all he’s really doing is trying to get to me. The drama he made over not having contact for one morning!! He’s had days where he hasn’t even rang the kids at all! But when it’s because he wants to and he wants control he hates it.
I’d feel like I’m punishing my son if I take his phone away and it’s not his fault or fair on him