Selfish elderly parents

[skincareAdvice]

Seriously what’s the issue with this?

Expect all the help in the world...... lifts to work, cups of tea, being cared for when Ill, for my dh to do diy etc etc

BUT when I need help, nothing
Never help with childcare
Never actually nice to me
I have been really unwell lately and not even a text to ask how I am nothing yet I know full well the night before work I’ll get a call confirming her lift

I’ve had enough

I’m the only one of many siblings who lives near to her and I’m actually going to block her number and tell her to fuck off.
If she gets ill/has a fall whatever I just don’t care anymore I’m done

Sounds like the balance needs to be redressed for you all to get to a healthier place.

Say what you said above to her. Then see what she says.

I’m just done with it all I don’t even want to balance it out I just want to be free of her she’s not ever even nice to me

Set boundaries and keep them, up to you to decide what they are.
But if you have been doing all this stuff for a while, ask yourself why. Do you want to go nc, or do you just need to learn how to say no, I don’t want to?

Then tell her why, unambiguously, so that she absolutely understands.
Tell relatives.
Then when she complains to family and friends, you know she’s being manipulative and so do they. It will take the pressure and guilting by others down a little.

It would just be nice if there was some give and take but there never has been and the pressure of everything has recently go to me and I’ve been very unwell
Dm knows this
She’s turned it all to herself and when I really needed her she ignores me I don’t ecen mean in a practical sense it’s just not even a text or call nothing
Oh except if she wants something

And I really can’t stand it that by default as the closest I’m expected to do all this. That’s what always happens isn’t it

I had this with my mother, in the end I cut all contact. Sad how often this happens.

How old is she, how incapable?
She sounds like a user, has she always been like this with you?
The only problem I can see here is you allowing yourself to do this, and the guilt and responsibility that follow. I would, but I’m good at leaving stress and misery behind me.

Late sixties
I’m ok health but will tell everyone she’s at deaths door when she’s not
Was genuinely ill a year or so ago but was an absolute total nightmare to care for and I will never do it again

Gosh OP - You could be me .

I have had this with DM for the last three years or so. It eventually made me ill too, so I had to step back. I am also the only daughter, and therefore expectations of me are entirely different to those of my brothers. She basically wanted a servant, so in the end, I said well get one. She did! She can pay, so she now has a 24 hour carer to see to her every need. She doesn't need nursing care, or help in any way, she just wanted a person to cook for her, clean for her, make tea, and listen and agree to everything she says.

I go once a week now, and at this point in writing, not this week, as last week she just said the most awful things about me, my DH, my kids, everyone else kids, how her grandchildren don't visit (yes, because you are a horrible person, and never did anything with or for them, not even a hug), etc etc.

Sorry for the rant. Your post makes me mad, and sad. I feel angry and guilty all the time. Sending you hugs.

OMG OP. Just seen she is only late sixties. My DM is 90..... you may have many more years of the crap. Sort it out now.

That’s what I’m talking about, the guilt.
Why?
Unpleasant people don’t deserve your time and effort and guilt. Different if they have additional needs, dementia or are in pain, but some people are just unpleasant.

You are not a servant and it is not your job to attend to her every need.

Decide what ( is anything) you are prepared to do, and tell her why. I agree tell anyone closely connected, and don’t be guilt tripped into doing anything else.

She was not there for you when you needed her, this is much easier, it’s not like she won best mother award for several years in a row and the onus is on you now to make it up to her (even this is such a gross expectation of anyone)

Set your boundaries and stick to them come hell or high water.
Focus on your health, your kids and life. She can pay to have help, she doesn’t need you to do it all.

If she is cruel to you, don’t see her. Why should anyone be allowed to be abusive just because they happen to be old.

I think you should look after yourself op. I have seen on her other posters writing about FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. look it up and remember guilt is such a wasted emotion.

Bloody hell is late 60s now classed as elderly!

What reason does she give for declining requests for help? Use those in her!

Late 60s isn’t middle-aged. What’s wrong with being old?

STOP enabling her. Say NO, I'm not doing that. And if you have to, then yes, block her. Late 60s?! She could be doing this for 30 more years. Stop it NOW.