Sister Is Being Abused By Boyfriend - Help

[Bella98]

Hi everyone, I am in desperate need of advice on how I can protect my sister so excuse the long post. She is 18 and has been dating this guy for around 8 months. Before my sister had met this guy, she had briefly had an argument with his ex-girlfriend of the time who had told a huge amount of people at a festival that he had abused her whilst they were together. My sister argued with her at this festival because she believed it was wrong to be telling all of these people something so damaging that might not have happened, but I am 100% sure that this girl was now telling the truth. There was no signs that this relationship was toxic until last month. My sister had lost a few of her single, partying friends but I put that down to her not wanting that lifestyle anymore. Anyway, she came home in tears because he wanted her to admit to cheating on him which she never did. She spends every minute at his house when she is not at work, even if that means sitting with his mum in the lounge all day until he gets home. She works in beauty so never interacts with men but still gets so much hassle from him that she is secretly cheating. She was accused of having a secret relationship with her step-brother, and she revealed that he hits her. Of course I supported her through every step and told her that she must never go back there. A few days later and he 'took her back'. I was raging at this news that they had got back together. She told me that she had lied about the hitting (even though she showed me pictures) to make me hate him. I told her I wanted nothing more to do with him and for her not to talk to me about their relationship again. I was not going to be her best friend whilst she was with him. Skip forward to this weekend, he has broken up with her again. She has revealed to my other sister that he is hitting her again and she isn't allowed to shave her legs.... not even 6 hours later she is back with him. What do I do??? My mum, my other sister, my step dad and his mother know about this situation and nobody is doing anything! He controls every aspect of her life and even managed to persuade her to get him a £60 a month phone contract in her name. I can't refuse to talk to her whilst she is with him because she might need me, but I can't continue to support her as all I'm doing is encouraging this monster. I'm at a dead end. Please help!

Be there for her when she needs you. She will but it may be a while

He is probably threatening her with all sorts of horrible things unless she does as she is told :(

Whatever you do, don't give up and stop trying to help her. She really needs you.

Can you contact the police to see if he has previous? They don't need her cooperation to prosecute.

My ex partner used to hit me but I played it down during the time. Every once in a while it pops up and hits a nerve. Unfortunately at that time I wouldn’t have listened to anyone. I would have blamed myself or something else, but never him.

Hopefully one day your sister will realise that it is not worth it. But it could take a long time. Any negativity from you or family will push her further away. Try and be as supportive as you can.

It's a really tough one, I have been through it with my sisters. One got out of a long term abusive relationship one year ago and I have recently found put another sister is in what seems like a much more abusive relationship...

The best advice I can give you is to just be there. At times she will open up and come out with all sorts and other times she will make excuses or even lie. Advise but dont push, you want to keep her close not push her away.

It is terribly worrying and frustrating.

My ex-boyfriend accused me of cheating on him with every man I came into contact with, work colleagues, my house mate, my previous ex-boyfriend, even his best mate! If I dared shave he would accuse me of doing it for another man, I wasn't allowed to wear perfume, put loads of make up on, do anything out of the ordinary as this would mean I was cheating.

He also didn't like me to go back to my own place. So I had to go to his house even though it meant sitting around with his parents waiting for him to come home as he worked really late and I only worked 9-5. Even going to see my sister would make him accuse me of being with another man.

There was a lot of other stuff and he was very physically abusive too. What your sister is going through is horrible and I really feel for her.

All I would say is please don't be too harsh on her. It was really hard for my family see what I was going through and they saw me split up with a number of times and get back together with after he was sorry. I know how frustrating it must be for you and you must want to shake her and tell her to leave him. Please just be there for her. It may take a while but she will leave him. He wants to alienate her family and friends and please don't let him do this

Ouch. Tough one. The trouble is there's not actually much you CAN do until she's ready to leave. Just be there for her, let you know you are there for her no matter what (even if you have to say it through gritted teeth).

Do not let him alienate her or isolate her. Make sure she continues to have regular contact with you and your family. It's horrible but she will see through it in the end. She's so young. She needs you.

This sounds tough. However I note this thread seems to assume its only ever women in abusive relationships. I've seen many many men who've been victims at the hands of some really nasty women so lets not make out its only men who are abusive. Many women are too, and can be much worse.

I think in this situation I would probably have to kill him

I can relate, I’m in a similar situation with a family member, it’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. I understand that it’s really difficult for her to break free but at the same time I don’t know how to react when she tells me these terrible things he has done then stays with him and expects me to interact with him and act like everything is normal. I’ve had to distance myself from him but maintained contact with her. I don’t know all the answers but I do know that abusers operate by isolating victims from friends and family so it’s important not to play into his hands by withdrawing your friendship while she’s in this relationship, she needs a support network to help her realise that she is not alone and can live without him. If he pushes everyone else away then she will feel like he is all she has and cling to him more. It’s so frustrating because you can’t fix this for her but you can let her know you are there for her and hopefully one day she will be ready to reach out.