Secret wedding

[whyohwhypart2]

So my fiance and I met late in 2017 and we knew fairly early on we were just made for each other, we will have been together for two years come September and are sickeningly in love unfortunately we never met at 21 but we're both now mid thirties so since we both really wanted kids we had the tough decision of marriage first or babies, we decided it would be best to get engaged, try for a baby in case it takes is a while to conceive, or can't at all! then the marriage can always happen afterwards. We've been blessed with a baby on the way (due in 97 days..argh!) but DP has suggested we get married before baby comes.

It's all I want too but we don't have the money right now (or the time!) to have the wedding we both want, so are pondering the idea of running away to our favourite place, just the two of us and getting hitched, but then both of us really want to do it 'properly' so to speak with all our friends and family again at a later date, say late in 2020.

We think it may take away from it being really special though if everyone knows we're already married, so is it too crazy to keep it quiet?

Obviously it will all come out and the big wedding day vows etc would be slightly different and I guess it would be more like renewing our vows, but we just desperately wish to be married before baby comes along but ALSO want the big, well....medium wedding with all our loved ones and we just can't have both!

Can I hold off changing my surname etc till the 'big day' next year? This is all knew to me so pretty clueless

Dh and I got married abroad, just the two of us.
We had a church blessing and celebration back home, not long after though. Everyone knew we were married but tbh the day itself was very much like a wedding, there was little difference.

You could just get married now and then just have a blessing or even just a celebration at a later date.

Or are there people who would be devastate not to see you married who might make a fuss about it? Luckily we have a fabulous relationship with our parents who totally understand why we did it our way, and supported our choice.

Me and my hubby got married when I was 28 weeks pregnant. We literally just had parents and grandparents and that was it. We didn't have the money for anything bigger than registry office but it was perfect!

We decided we would just have a big party on our anniversary next year.

Would something like that work? Or is it that you don't want anyone knowing at all??

Who would you be lying to about it that would care? Parents? Siblings?
I'd not be impressed if I was lied to for a year about someone already being wed, but fine if they announced they were eloping and having a blessing st a later date.

A lot of people would be hurt, upset etc about missing out on seeing us get married, and to do it the way we always envisaged would cost a lot of money which we need to prioritise for baby right now.

We just want the best of both worlds I guess to be married now but to have the really lovely special celebration with everyone there, and we just can't have both.

Hmmmm... not particularly keen on keeping secrets but equally want the big day to be just as exciting etc etc

Decisions decisions!

I think you will hurt some feelings if you wait 18 months before sharing. However people will get over it I guess.

Also are you sure you will want to keep it secret all that time? One of the lovely things about getting hitched is wanting to shout it from the rooftops.

I did the same. Married in a registry office, invited parents only, but only the night before 😂
DH and I went away for just one night in a posh hotel, ringing and texting siblings and friends on the way.

The next year we had a big party and I wore a wedding dress. Didn’t renew our vows though.

Hmmmm... I think that's what we'd struggle with @twinkle999 keeping it quiet for all that time, just might not seem as special doing it second time round though and don't want that to be spoiled, maybe I'm overthinking it!

But we want to do the whole hen/stag do, dress/ceremony and have picked the venue etc, just need to save up but not being before baby comes along would just make us feel complete.

Perhaps that is the best idea, do the wedding with just us, let everyone know afterwards and go ahead with the big day next year anyway, the blessing sounds lovely 😊

Get married before baby arrives, you can always have the fancy receptiony do ect... afterwords. 'We wanted to make it official before baby was born' should be an acceptable excuse to anyone with your best interests at heart.

You need to get a wiggle on if you are seriously considering getting married so soon. You need to contact a) the venue b) the registrars local to the venue and c) the registrars local to you home address (as you'll need to give notice).
You have to allow a month between giving notice and being allowed to marry, depending on the availability of nom appointments and your venue it could be getting very tight time wise.

If you don't have the time or the money before you have the baby, how will you find both once the baby has arrived?

Are you sure you want to do it before baby is born? Why not just wait a bit and do it with all the trimmings after baby is here?

For example if I were your friends and you didn’t tell me you were married for 18 months, I would find getting invited on a big hen night slightly odd. It would depend what it was but eg I don’t know if I’d do a weekend abroad or something were you already married.

It sounds to me like you want all the trimmings and I totally understand that. But if so why not just a wait a bit.

Myself and my DP have been together 3 years, have recently brought our first home! He's 29 I'm 31, we knew we couldn't have a wedding and a baby due to financial reasons! So he took the reins and said let's try for a baby first and then get married at a later time! It was our ages that decided it as we would like multiple children!
We could never do a wedding without both our large families for fear of upsetting anyone and we also want them there to celebrate!
We don't see anything negative having a baby out of wedlock!

Totally understand your reasons and baby is the priority. I do think it will hurt people not to be there for the wedding but they would get over it. I don't think they would get over no tf knowing you are married for another year though. So just say you wanted to be married before the baby but hope to have a blessing (could you combine this with a christening if you are Christian?)
I don't really see point of hen etc though being honest if you are a year married with a baby

@venusandmars between the both of us, we don't struggle with money and do bring in two decent wages, but unfortunately DP has already paid out 32k in lawyer/court fees to fight to see his daughter as his ex wife decided to cut all contact and he's got through the worst of it, but is still not completely there with the situation, this has had a huge impact on finances, but is a situation that won't last forever and when baby is here should be a lot more settled.

Sounds lovely @PeachNut 

@twinkle999 these were my thoughts exactly, can I really do a hen do away etc if already married, it would probably seem a bit odd. We just so badly want to be arrows to each other now without having to wait another 18months, but I suppose we can't have it all!

I'm not religious and it's not an issue for me having a child out of wedlock, but for the baby it would be nice to know that we were married already, and incase the worst was to happen it would be better legally in that sense too.

Argh! So confused

Just do it quickly now in a registry office. Tell close family when they come to see the new baby. They can't be mad at you with arms full of newborn Then if you still want a big do later you'll have more choice of venue as you wouldn't need a licenced wedding venue.

@GarthFunkel I like your style still swithering....

Can I hold off changing my surname etc til the big day next year?

You don't have to change your surname at all.