Does anyone else not feel the need for scheduled date nights?

[Bethan369]

We’re in our early 40’s, been together 20 years so the first 10 before kids came along we’re all about us-dates, holidays etc just having fun.

All our married friends have these monthly ‘date nights’, some have been recommended by marriage guidance counsellors others just do it to reconnect and have quality time together. They’re shocked when we say we never do this. Since our children arrived we’ve never had a single date night. We have the occasional night out for friends birthdays etc but nothing just the 2 of us.

I feel like our marriage is going strong without it, we talk all the time, don’t argue much at all, work well as a team but it niggles me that we should be working more on our marriage (even though it doesn’t feel like it needs work).

Our parents never did this date night thing and both sets are going strong 40+ years later so maybe it’s a new idea.

Anyone else happy without them or are we missing out on something important?

No, it's important for me. It is easy to drift apart emotionally without spending some time together. Time at home can be doing chores or slumped in front of the tv with phone in hand so not quality time. So yes it is important to have some proper time enjoying each other's company. I also like going out to concerts and theatre for its own sake and I do that with DH a lot. But if you don't need it then that's ok too obviously.

We don’t do a regular mo they thing or anything but we do make sure that as regularly as we can we have a meal out or a weekend away. I think it’s important to spend time as us as well as parents when you are just at home it is easy to get bogged down with the day to day stuff or just sit looking at the tv or your phone all evening.
My parents didn’t have baby sitters but they still had date nights where they would get in some nice snacks have some wine and watch a movie together after I had gone to bed. They have been married 50 years no dc at home and still make time for their regular date night because until recently both had been working and this made sure they still had time exclusively for them.

We don’t schedule in monthly date nights but we will occasionally go away for the weekend or go out for a meal together or with another couple.

As long as both of you are on the same page I don't see that you have anything to worry about.
We don't get regular date nights because ds1 has behavioural problems which mean we can't use a babysitter, but every couple of years my mum braves it and we get a night away. I would absolutely love to do it more often but they are not the only way to stay connected.

Not really no now. It was more important when the kids were little to get some time away from them. Now it feels funny leaving the girls out - I like it when we are all together and don't feel so much need for couple time.

I think the term is cringe but I can see why people do it/look forward to it. We don’t have anyone to babysit and I’m in my forties, now happy with Line of Duty and a nice sit down with (or without) my husband.

We've been together 14 years. Don't have 'regular' date nights. However we try to schedule a night away once a year....last year it didn't happen as we moved...year before we had a big holiday...this year getting married....lol.....we have been out together twice this year...both times to go to the theatre. Every couple is different. We have started trying to watch a movie together every so often when kids are asleep....does that count!! Lol.

No. Don’t have anyone to babysit! We’re very happy and we do make time to sit down together for a glass of wine away from the kids and often eat later together without them.

I like to go out just dh and me sometimes yes, it’s important to us to have some time away from home and the kids occasionally.

We don't either, though we do have "game night" every Saturday with another couple we will connect and play online games. We tend to do our own thing in the evening and occasionally make a comment to each other.

We rarely ever go out together in the evening, always had DC around, if we have "dates" it's during the day and something like Subway or McDonald's :o Classy. It just never seems worth the astronomical cost to get a babysitter TBH. Happily married 5 years now. Just had a baby last year (I had DS1 before we got together) and somehow better than ever.

I don't feel like we "should be" working on our marriage. Should I feel like that? We feel like a team and tend to support each other.

We go out but certainly don’t call it date night.

We are in a similar position to you. Early forties, two young DDs. We definitely need nights off, but we only get about 4 a year when we get a sitter. But they are vital to our marriage. They are a chance to be what we were to each other pre children, and to focus on our relationship to each other and not just as parents. Our children's best chance of a happy childhood is with two happy parents so it benefits the them too that we take (rare) time out to do this.

No we don't but we have four kids, three of them very young, so it's hard to fit it in. We would like to go out together just the two of us a bit more but I don't think we would stick to a schedule, we'd just do it whenever we could. We go out together maybe once every two to three months but I don't feel our relationship has suffered as we can have quality time at home as well.

Thanks for the replies, I do feel that we’re just happy as we are, might be worth a try though to see if we are really missing something.

I really dislike the phrase 'date night' some friends of ours have overused it and it feels a bit try-hard. The sentiment behind it is valid, though DH and I don't really set aside time for this. He's a sharer so I know exactly what is going on with him! I know this is not the case for everybody.

If your relationship is good, that’s the main thing.

We have no free childcare, so “date night” costs £50 minimum (£30 for sitter, and drinks), we recently had a meal out, that evening out cost about £90.

Am envious of friends who have local family and often go to the pub with friends or just the two of them.

The chance would be a fine thing.

Just never happens, and we don't even get time at home alone.

He is a sahd so I will sometimes have a day off and we will do something together then.

It is what it is.

When DH and I had family counseling because of our DS (ASD), they suggested date nights to us.
DH looked at me - I looked at DH and in one voice we said "no way".

Together 33 years this year.

"Date night" is an Americanism that seems to have crept into British English.

I've been married for a few years now, and had several other boyfriends when I was younger, as well as a few flings. To my knowledge, I have never, ever been on a date. When I got involved with someone, we'd just naturally start hanging around together.

We do it, although they're not scheduled as such. I swap babysitting duty with friends every other month or so, which makes it free. I wouldn't say we 'need' them, but it is nice - why wouldn't it be good to spend some time with your partner? I don't understand those that say 'no way' as if it's the last thing that you'd want to do - spend time with the one you love?!

My DC are still young though, so do sap your time, headspace and energy, so when it comes to the evening we (me) just zonk in front of the telly and don't particularly chat. A date night means you make the effort to chat about stuff. It reminds me why we fell in love in the first place.

Well we don't have scheduled "date night" and the idea of having a set night where we must do something together leaves me cold as it seems so try hard. Though saying that I can appreciate how agreeing a set time to spend together might be needed if a couple is trying to get a relationship back on track.

We do like having time together as a couple. That might be going out to lunch or dinner together, drinks and a show once in a while or if no childcare, chatting over a bottle of wine and cheeseboard/takeaway after dc have gone to bed.

I don't see that as 'working on our marriage', it's more that we are a couple and it's good to spend time being just that when so much of our time is taken up with being parents, employees etc.

I think too it can feel like 'well everything's fine as it is' while you're busy raising dc but once they've grown and are off living their own lives it is just you two as a couple and that can be when people realise that for years they've only really interacted about the dc/family life and maybe lost sight of each other as individuals in their own right.

No. We've been together 30 yeas and married for 21y. We spend a fair bit of time together anyway, go out fairly regularly albeit normally with friends too, and key is we only have one child who is now an older teen.
We do book to go away for the odd night occasionally just the two of us. But we don't schedule in set date nights.

What I am never really convinced by is why people without children need to schedule in a date night. We have friends who do this but they don't have children and neither work particularly late at home. Im never sure why date night is different to the many other nights they go out in the week tbh.

There is no right or wrong. Some people enjoy these things, others don't.

I do laugh at an old work colleague who told us with pride how her DH took her out once a week and had done through the entire 30 years of marriage. He also treated her appallingly and never once did a thing to help when she had 4 children. He sat in his chair and she served him like a slave, the only thing he did was go to work and hand over a third of his wage every week. But yeah love, your marriage is fab because he takes you out once a week

No, we don't do date nights. We hardly ever go out just the two of us sans kids. We've been together nearly 20 years (married for 16) and we're happy. But we're homebody introverts, staying home and reading by the fire is our bliss...