My stepdaughter aged 15 has her mum and her mil on her side and they are making my husband choose. My life is hell! What do I do?

[Mummytobe33]

Hello, I feel like I’m in a difficult situation because my SD came over to our home and spoke to my husband saying “She’s ruined our relationship Dad”. My husband said “No you would have felt the same about anyone I married” and she then said “No I hate her personality she’s just really childish”.

My stepdaughter was 11 when we got married and stayed with us every weekend. We lived in my flat and my husband sold his house. I made a lovely bedroom for her and things were going well when she stayed.

When our son was born about a year and a bit later I found myself being the one saying “Please don’t carry your baby brother round the flat at night speed”, “I’d prefer it if you didn’t ignore me in the house”- she started talking about me in third person and it was as if she was blanking me. My husband pretended not to see so I looked like the mean one when in fact I was just saying let’s be respectful and safe.

I know that’s my stepdaughter then went telling her mother that I was mean and nasty etc etc and she also told this to my mil who has constantly been phoning my husband telling him I’m horrible to her grandaughter rather than supporting us and acknowledging she’s a teenager etc

We went to a school performance recently where my mil and my SD mother went together so me and my husband were made to be belittled. Afterwards the ex was hugging and kissing my mil deliberately to play games.

It’s all so stressful and my husband feels torn between me and his daughter/ex/mother.

Surely the ex and my mil are causing drama when they should not be giving my sd so much powerful in this situation?

*MY mil!!! Not her mil!

Your MIL sounds like a right piece of work!

I think you are right that the ex and the mil should not be entertaining the notion of supporting your sd to force your husband to choose between her or you. That is patently ridiculous.
If they have a problem with you or your behaviour they should be talking to you directly not involving a 15 year old child in those discussions.
Your husband has a duty to both his children and also to you his wife.. there should no question of him choosing between you and one child and his other child... no one will win in that situation not even the sd who may think that is what she wants as teenagers often might... but in reality would cause a massive rift between her and her sibling in the future.

Your husband is not actually considering pandering to this is he? He needs to sit down with the ex and his mother and have some stern words about how damaging this really is for sd.

My mil is very domineering. I’ve tried challenging her once about a text she had sent to my husband saying “I’ve spoken to SD and her Mum and it’s definitely me that is making SD not want to come over to our house anymore”. I said to my mil I didn’t appreciate being blamed or her texting malaiciois messages to my husband. She outright denied sending the message. I said it’s on my phone as my DH forwarded
It to me. She then got up, yelled she was sick of this situation and then stormed off upstairs.

How can anyone deal with a woman like that? I think my husband is scared of her. I’m a more direct person and happy to challenge her nasty behaviour but it only provides her with ammunition if I speak out... eg look son she really is horrible
To me etc etc

Wish I knew what to do especially when husband avoids her rather than challenges her.

I can’t even understand why the mil and ex side with my SD!

Hi.so difficult for you.
But You need to be the grown up here .Your mil is probably not taking sides or trying to make you look bad. She’s supporting her granddaughter. You could Ask her what you could do to improve the relationship. A good start is that your dh should see dsd out of the house. He needs to make it clear to her that he loves you and won’t hear you badmouthed, and they can concentrate on their relationship.
Be generous. Send the baby too, don’t let anyone say you are denying their relationship. And thoroughly enjoy that time to yourself.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but 15 yr olds are horrible, if you step back and refuse to engage she will soon fall out with her Mum and look to be staying with you again. At that point your Dh needs to be very clear that rudeness will not be tolerated.
Enjoy the time to yourself. Don’t engage.

You said you felt belittled by the mil and ex going to the school performance together and then upset by them hugging and kissing .... the way to deal with this is to firstly expect them to go to events together and if they are so close they will hug and kiss just expect it and practice your neutral sweet smile face. In time you genuinely won’t be wound up by it and they they will stop, the only way is to disengage from drama , be as nice as pie to everyone and you ignore all nonsense from stepdaughter , pre arrange that oh speaks up for you up if she is achually Rude but I would kill her with kindness but also kerp out of her way as much as possible I,e I’d tell her you volunteer st a soup kitchen on s Saturday night ( obviously go to pub with friends) leav het with her dad but be supper interested and kind when you see her at breakfast