Nightmare grandma 👵

[GalaxyRipple]

Help!! Bf Mum is a nightmare!! Not only throughout my pregnancy was she overbearing and took over on everything we wanted to buy.I can’t get over the fact I feel she has ruined the birth of our son! With the weeks leading up to the birth I repeatedly ask his family not to come to the hospital until myself and bf was on the ward and ready.But no after a very long and exhausting labour. Just like Mystic Meg I was horrified to learn my fears had came true. After returning from the toilet my bf informed me his family were waiting just outside the doors, I had only just had my stitches.Unable to run away as my epidural hadn't yet worn off. In tears I asked my bf to tell them to come bk later after I had showered and we had spent some time with ds. This did not go down well as apparently she burst into tears. Feeling guilty as soon as we got on the ward I told my bf to ring them to come bk up. On arrival she gave a snide comment of how everyone in their family were surprised they had only just got to see the baby. As I didn’t have the energy to throw her out the 6th floor window I bit my tongue and allowed them to hold ds to take photos which immediately had to be posted on stupid fb. After returning home they were round everyday and I was horrified to learn she has made a group chat giving hourly updates to family members who I had never met how far dilated I was throughout my labour. I have spent most my maternity leave in tears ,Ive argued with her not to have her puppy around ds and to stop putting post on fb.Myself and bf have tried talking to her about it but she turns round and says I’m experiencing the baby blues. Im so exhausted I don’t know what to do!

You do know what to do - you have to tell your BF to sort his mum out and explain that she has to respect your wishes.

Ugh. I'm expecting and dreading similar.
I am no longer with the father, although all very amicable. I know from when we were together the whole family will be camped out at the hospital as soon as they hear I'm in labour. I don't want it at all!

I definitely don't want my baby all over Facebook, a photo with a birth announcement they can have but otherwise nope. I would refuse to allow photos to be taken if they can't stay off social media.

Your bf needs to step up. I would also ban her from visiting. No way would she be bringing her puppy round to me! This is your baby, so your rules. If she comes round without being invited, just don’t answer the door (very mumsnet!) Block her from your social media so you don’t need to see her stupid updates/photos as it’s a bit late to ban her from posting pictures now. Don’t send her pictures and don’t allow her to take pictures. Do not let her ruin your experience of your first baby.

@AuntMarch don't tell them when you're in labour. They can only trample over boundaries if you let them; by withholding the info they won't know to go to the hospital.

Stop trying to explain things and justify things just tell her the rules, it's your way or no way.
You have the right to set the terms and conditions.

Thanks for feedback. I have asked bf to confront her ,however he doesn’t want to upset his mum. I have now said I don’t want her round the house.

Just wanted to say re the turning up at hospital *despite being told clearly not to*is exactly what happened to me, I feel your pain. Instead of basking in the wonderment of having our newborn baby me and OH were arguing about his fucking mum. I’ll never forgive her for ruining that time for me.

You need to stand firm. Tell your BF to grow up and put the mother of his child first. His DM has had her turn at parenting.

So he doesn’t want to upset his mum but he doesn’t mind upsetting the mother of his child just after she’s given birth and been stitched up?
You don’t have a MIL problem. You have a DP problem. You’re a couple. You decide your boundaries together and he makes sure she doesn’t overstep them.

Just curious what rules you had for your DM?

My family have always been respectful and ask for my permission concerning my son. However she always acts like a third parent. It not only pictures on fb she post it stupid quotes about how she going to guide my son through life and how she is part parent. On one occasion she even said “come to mummy” then quickly said it was a slip of the tongue.

@GalaxyRipple I feel for you.

I have an ex-MIL who is still continuing to do this kind of stuff to me - and I'm not even with her son!

Your bf needs to step up and stand by you and your child. He has his own family now and needs to take into account your feelings / wishes regarding your child.
Failing him stepping up, you are going to need to be firm and put some boundaries in - I'm still working on this myself - as I seem to have a rule for everything with my ex MIL

Congratulations on the baby

Come to mummy
a 'slip'
That tells you how she really feels, what's really in her mind
she feels that she is equivalent to you in relation to your child, she feels that she is equivalent to this child's mother

You need to tell your DP that he doesn’t want to upset you!

No she can’t come round, no she can’t take photos, no she can’t post FB updates

Lock the door and ignore

When she’s not around we are a happy family . The only thing we argue about is her! I think he’s a bit scared of her tbh. And it’s difficult as their family is so close and all live near.Once you upset one you upset them all! I don’t think he wants it to blow up and everyone to get involved.

Change your language - it can make a huge difference

I’m upset because I feel suffocated
I’m anger because I felt pressured
I’m disappointed because I wanted a family afternoon

Rather than MIL this that or the other, make it about you and your own feelings

Knowing what they are like, I don't understand why they were told you were even in labour, let alone had given birth ?

I didn’t want them told I was in labour. I said to my bf before not to tell them. But as my mum was one of my birthing partners ,he said it would cause more problems that my family knew and not theirs

If she didn't respect my feelings she wouldn't be allowed anywhere near my family

When he said it would cause problems what he means it's it would cause problems for him!

Your bf needs to sort this out.

Your bf is the problem here, he lets himself get pushed around and manipulated and now you are too. I'm guessing he was feeding her the labour updates for her group chat. Why?

You need to be strong here and tell him what your limits and rules are. So, no unannounced visits, door will not be opened to them if they just turn up.
If mil can't refrain from posting pictures on FB then she won't be allowed to take any pictures, if she takes them anyway then she won't be trusted with contact.
No one to one contact with baby until you are ready.

Have a few phrases ready to combat mil if she questions anything.
"This afternoon is for our new family, we will let you know when we are free for visits."
"No we are not available now, it doesn't work for us"
"We have decided that we don't want pictures of our baby on social media, you are free to take pictures for yourself though"

Congratulations on your baby OP.
I sympathise with you as I too had the hospital situation. We said in advance that we didn’t want family at the hospital as we wanted those first hours to be just me, baby and DH. My family were totally accepting, his mother not so much.
Fast forward to the birth (traumatic and really wasn’t well afterwards), his mother laid the pressure / guilt trip on him. The next thing I knew there were four members of his family in my hospital cubicle (two of them sitting on my bed!) and they stayed ages. Following their visit, they made their own FB announcement and posted photos of me and my DD over social media. I was so upset as we hadn’t even had the chance to tell all my family about DD’s arrival yet.
MIL continued to be overbearing and it wasn’t til I went batsh*t at my DH did he listen to how I was feeling and deal with his mother.

It’s the old MN adage - you don’t have a mil problem you have a dh problem. Yes your mil is a pita and totally overbearing controlling know it all BUT your dh(dp) should have you and your baby as THE most important things in his life. He MUST step up and sort this out- it will only get worse if not!

On a more pleasant note - many congratulations on your little one💐- and according to the press and recent mn threads think yourself lucky you’re not Meghan Markle !!