How would you respond to this from your Mother?

[Littlebees]

I've got a strained relationship with my mother with various things she's done to me over the years.
She only lives 20 mins away but since our relationship has been strained we have only had contact once a month (if that).

Since having my baby 3 months ago she's wanted to see us A LOT more which- although I do understand why, it's driving me up the wall.
I've told her to back off a bit and that she can't expect to be all best friends and texting, ringing & visiting everyday after everything that's happened. Now she's telling me I'm being selfish because I won't indulge in her constant contact.

What else can I say? I've tried to tell her that I have plans a lot of the time and that I'm not willing to drop things for her.

It sounds like you’ve been pretty straightforward with her already. Is she calling you selfish and carrying as she was, or backing off and just getting the hump about it?

You don’t have to respond to her calling you selfish. It’s ok to be selfish with your baby and your time.

Would you be willing to drop baby off to her for an hour or two so you can go shopping or whatever you want to do?

Perhaps that might be better though when your child is older.

That way your child and their grandmother can build a relationship but you don’t have to be around.

No chance I'm leaving baby with her!
Not least because I'm breastfeeding and yes cluster feeding atm but also I don't trust her.

how often are you willing to see her? Would putting a date in the diary for a sunday afternoon several weeks from now calm her?

At first I said every 2 weeks but she outstays her welcome and stays for hours and to be honest it comes round so quickly.
I also find her so negative she makes me anxious so I'd prefer to stretch it to once every 3 weeks

I could have written this OP and if your mother is anything like mine she won't take no for an answer and sulks in the most manipulative way when you do say no.

Don't answer the phone, keep telling her to back off - it's only going to get harder as your baby gets older and nanny starts to say in front of her "do you want to come for a sleepover at mine" etc. Bio it in the bud now and lay out firm boundaries. For example "I will come and see you once a fortnight" and that way you have the control, can leave when you want and changes plans if you don't feel up to it. Don't give her free reign on your house or invite her over.

What else can I say? I've tried to tell her that I have plans a lot of the time and that I'm not willing to drop things for her.

With mothers like mine and yours what you say is irrelevant. They do what they want. Your needs are irrelevant to them. It is all about the actions. Only your actions can protect you, not the words. Have no fear of name-calling and similar nonsense. Massively limit how much you say anyway. Be unavailable. Make her leave.

Decide in your own mind how often and for how long she can visit then use actions not words to enforce, do not permit her words to change your actions.

I suspect 3 weeks is still too much but you are hoping 3 weeks might make her words less horrible to you. Sod that. What do you actually want?

Can you go to hers so you can just leave when you've had enough?

littlebees I have NC with my mother. If I was to see her she would continuously push boundaries.

If you sends you messages pushing and calling you names, just disengage.

Your mother is pushing in where you don’t want her, and someone tells you to leave the baby with her? Er, no.
Set boundaries. Keep them. Turn off your mobile, unplug the house phone, lock the doors and don’t answer when people knock. Do what you like. Your way.

Could you arrange to meet her out somewhere for lunch or coffee so you can leave when you've had enough?

I was going to suggest meeting her away from your home and hers too. Arrange a time so that you can do anything you want or need to beforehand then leave when you've had enough.

Be strong .

Great suggestions from others. But I would start with "what do you want?"

If the answer is never to see her then go NC.

If the answer is truly to see her once a month, because you want to see her once a month (which I find hard to believe) then tell her. As you have, which is great. Stick to your guns. Do not reply to any other contact from her. If you have an arrangement in place or a promise to contact to see her, then she needs no other contact.

She will have to get used to it.

She thinks you are being selfish. Who cares what she thinks? Look after yourself and your baby.

She has created this relationship , this is what happens. Consequences.

And Palominoo who would leave their baby with a woman they have an awful relationship with???

Thanks for all the advice. You are right, she calls me selfish and I've always thought of it as a negative thing but actually it's a good thing to be selfish now I have a baby to care for. I'll start taking her name calling as compliments from now on!!

Good idea to meet somewhere neutral for a coffee then j can make excuses to leave, I like that idea.

I suppose it's my issue that I need to try and forget about her sulking and being manipulative when I tell her we can't see her. She seems to enjoy the drama whereas I just enjoy looking after my baby

Part of becoming free is when she sulks and manipulates that you learn to think "This shit is exactly why I limit contact with her. I definitely made the right choice."

The sulking and attempts at manipulation reduce your guilt not increase it.

You'll get there. Practice makes perfect.