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Original poster

I’m not sure what to do (re dc’s dad)

19 replies

MummyCool19 · 11/04/2019 07:11

I have two older (9&11) children from previous marriage. Their dad has had nothing to do with them for a good year. He pays nothing and when Iv tried to claim he quits his job. He moved over an hour away with his new gf and has has children with her.

Anyway, last month his mum rang me. We haven’t spoken since I left him (abusive marriage) 6 years ago.

She sad she’s coming down to see exh and they are staying in a caravan. They want to pick Dc up on good Friday and bring them back Saturday evening.
Now I would love Dc to have a relationship with their grandparents. I would even willingly drive them to see them. But I feel sick about the kids being round exh. The last time he saw them he was calling me names, telling them I stopped him seeing them etc which isn’t true at all.

I don’t know what to do 😩😩

OP posts:
Littlefish · 11/04/2019 07:16

After a year without seeing them, I would say that they are welcome to have them for a day, but not longer, and not overnight.

What do your dc want?

Josiebloggs · 11/04/2019 07:24

I would just say no, after a year of not seeing them he can't expect just to appear in their lives again.
Do the grandparents see them regularly? It sounds like none of them are thinking of the effect this has on the children. Can you see a solicitor and put a contact plan in place for your ex and his parents? See if they stick to it and actually want a relationship with the children rather than just on their terms.

PoptartPoptart · 11/04/2019 07:45

No. He hasn’t seen them for a year. And the last time they saw him you say he was putting you down and calling you names?
Not a chance op! Why would you willingly put your children in a position where they have to hear that? It will upset and confuse them.
If he wants regular contact, fine... tell him to go through the appropriate channels. You know what? I bet he can’t be bothered! Does he pay you maintenance?
Children are not toys to be picked up and put down whenever he feels like it. He can’t just see them when it suits him.

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Lobsterquadrille2 · 11/04/2019 07:53

Totally agree with @PoptartPoptart. My DD's father has had nothing at all to do with her for the last16 years, and maybe 10 hours total throughout her whole life (21 years), no maintenance ever. I have a good relationship with his mother and have maintained contact and used to see her once or twice a year, speak to her regularly, DD writes to her. That's completely outside my ex - she adores DD and his absence shouldn't impact on her. Ex lives in the US but I know that she wouldn't involve him.

Gizlotsmum · 11/04/2019 07:53

Are his parents going to take the kids to see your ex? Would you be comfortable in their company to spend a day with his parents? Have they seen the kids since you split?

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 11/04/2019 08:52

He refuses to pay csa for children he doesn’t see🙃

Grandparents haven’t seen them over a year either. I would love them to have a relationship with the dc even though they haven’t bothered either.

I just feel sorry for Dc, they don’t have anyone other than us 😔

Csa rang me last night to tell me they had found exh work details so are working out how much he has to pay now.

I’m guessing they rang him too as I woke to a message of him telling me that meeting me and having children with me are two of his biggest regrets.

Nice fella.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyCool19 · 11/04/2019 08:54

Sorry, yes they have seen the dc, but normally by exh taking the dc to them. This is the first time they have asked to come and collect the kids. The dc will be the only ones sleeping with grandparents in their caravan.

I texted ex mil and said the kids are worried about seeing him, and she texted back saying to tell them not to worry about him and they will make sure everything is ok.

OP posts:
MumUndone · 11/04/2019 08:57

I wouldn't let them stay overnight, no chance.

Georgiemcgeorgeface · 11/04/2019 09:04

What do the DC want to do? It's a horrible situation op I really feel for you

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 11/04/2019 09:11

They want to see their grandparents but they don’t want to see him. I could never ever say I regret meeting him because I wouldn’t have my Dc, I don’t know how anyone can say that.

He said today that he would rather quit work than pay csa as he’s earning enough to live comfortably but nothing left after and he’s not getting into debt to pay for kids he doesn’t see.....

OP posts:
Georgiemcgeorgeface · 11/04/2019 09:16

Could you speak to the grandparents and say that you're all happy for hem to have a relationship with DC but you don't want them seeing the ex until he can behave appropriately and be consistent as it's too upsetting for DCs?

FuzzyLilac · 11/04/2019 09:20

Day out with GP yes. Overnight stay I would say no. Simply due to the length of time that has passed.
I would offer regular contact so that the relationship between DC and GP can be rebuilt and trust can be earned then overnights are a possibility.

GarthFunkel · 11/04/2019 09:24

Can you invite the GPs to your house so they can see the kids. Say their father was not pleasant last time they saw him a year ago and screen shot some of his delightful messages saying although you haven't mentioned any of this to the DC, their father was always very keen to tell them all about it and you'd prefer they were not upset about it.

letsdolunch321 · 11/04/2019 09:32

If the grandparents have not bothered seeing the dc I would NOT be accepting of them seeing the dc now.

Foodylicious · 11/04/2019 09:41

Just nope.
I cant see what value it will add to their lives at the moment.

She hasn't had any contact with you for 6 years.
No contact with DCs for at least a year.

The best she could hope for eould be a pub lunch together somewhere with you and without exH.

If that goes ok and you felt comfortable with it, maybe they could have lunch with her and exH in the future.

TBH I would want to be in the car park or close by for the kids.

LindaLa · 11/04/2019 09:42

Can you forward the text he sent you to his parents?
Show them why you doubt their intentions.

They need to see what he is capable of.

You had an abuse marriage to their son, you don't want your kids being his victim too.

PoptartPoptart · 11/04/2019 10:46

I’ve just read that the grandparents haven’t seen them for over a year as well.. and they want them overnight? No way!
Your poor kids, this is going to be so unsettling and confusing for them.
I would say they can see the kids for the day but can you be there too? Who knows what they might say to them about you if they have them alone?
Like I said in my previous post, children are not toys to be picked up and put down whenever they choose.

LindaLa · 11/04/2019 10:53

As the kids want to see them suggest a lunch or even a day out?
Somewhere you can keep a discreet distance but that the kids know you're near (just incase).

Explain that after such a long time, there has to be baby steps in place.

Talk to your kids, ask them what they want to do.

Come to a compromise.

OKBobble · 11/04/2019 11:19

I would send the gps the message he sent about them being his biggest regret and ask that they just visit the kids in your home with you there instead.

If they really want to see the kids they will do this. If they don't and want to only see them by taking them then it would indicate they are facilitating him seeing them.

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