Anger/ expressing negative emotions - I need to change and need help.

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I really have trouble dealing with controlling my anger. I don't lash out or go crazy or anything like that- more shouty, lose my calm. Unfortunately it's the kids that would be the receiving end of it. I regret it as soon as I've yelled and apologise.

I know that when I'm stressed/ got a lot on/ tired/ rough day etc I have less patience and I find it harder to stay calm. It's just like a knee jerk reaction. I regret it as soon as it happens and hatr myself for it for being a horrible person and shit mum.

I also have trouble dealing with others who've pissed me off. It doesn't happen often but when I do get annoyed at people I can't seem to express my unhappiness to them in a better way. I end up being quite direct, stern and probably coming across as rude which is not what I want. I can feel myself become quite emotional and I want to be calm inside.

I hope this makes sense. I want to become a better person and a better role model for my children. Unfortunately, I didn't get this from my own parents. My df has an incredible and very quick temper over anything. He was also violent. My DM was timid and lived in fear of him. I can see some of my behaviour is similar to df when I try to assert myself- but not as strong.

Does anyone have any tips/ books etc that could help.

I found The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters useful (I'm not an athlete!) and counselling. Good luck x

Becoming aware of it is a good first step. Now you need to recognise when you’re about become angry and change your behaviour. You can try some self help books, YouTube tutorials or counselling.
One way is to recognise the way your body reacts when angry and change it. If you clench your fists, then open your hands, if you’re scowling, raise your eyebrows or force yourself to smile.
Changing your body can change your reaction.

Alot of my body reactions esp when trying out assert myself with others are things like very rapid heartbeat, dizzyness. I feel like I'm having a panic attack. I very very rarely pull someone up on something and am not comfortable asserting myself.

It sounds like you feel angry when you’re not in control or feel you lack any power?
Work on empowering yourself.
Have a look at books like How to talk so kids will listen and learn techniques on how to be more assertive and practice them. YouTube has a few clips on that.
Ahaparenting is a good parenting site.

Could you go a to a weekly meditation class, a lot of Buddhist Centres run them all round the country.
Could you go to therapy? Maybe you need a safe place to vent the truly infuriating parts of your life?