Mum in law is dying... what does my husband and family need?

[Tuesday9th]

She has had terminal cancer for a while but her condition has deteriorated quite suddenly.

How can I best support him and family? I don't know what to say. It's so sad.

She has become confused which in some ways he feels is a blessing as she is less upset and doesn't have pain anymore. She still has quite a few periods of lucidity and replies to my What's App messages etc as normal but she is also hallucinating, sleeping a lot and having difficulty eating.

Posted too soon.

Her MacMillan nurse is visiting regularly to review her condition and pain relief etc and she is being looked after at home by family.

What can I do for my husband? I guess just be there for him and the family but I feel helpless

Just be there for him. My MIL died a couple of weeks ago. OH and his sister sorted out the arrangements and I was just there for support.

When my dad was dying, my DH basically took over the household. He made sure I had food, drink, clean clothes, money and the house was clean. He hugged me when I came home from hospital, and held me when my dad died. This continued until well after the funeral.
Basically, he just looked after me.

Agree, I just wanted someone to look after all the things I usually did so I could do what I needed to do. Bills, food, cleaning anything would have helped.

Be around to listen.

It's undervalued, but it's so, so important. Listen and care. And stick some food on the table and make sure they eat it.

I'm so sorry for all of you.

Try to fend off any unwanted visitors. Often at these times, lots of people are of course desperate to get in contact or visit a lot as they are sad but it can often become too much for the family. Be an awesome gatekeeper to try and take the pressure away from them as they'll feel guilty turning people away.

Also, just do stuff, don't ask constantly what they need, that can be more taxing for them emotionally.

You sound like you'll be doing a great job

DH's mum died two years ago after a short, serious illness and he was devastated. I couldn't do anything to help, to be honest. All he needed was for me to listen to him, and either be there for him or leave him alone depending on the day.

It feels bloody unfair that he lost his mum at 27, I see how much he misses her and my heart breaks for him. We spoke about it on mother's day and he said that the feeling is there every day - it comes in waves.