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Original poster

Emotional vampires

14 replies

Andromeida59 · 08/04/2019 22:18

MIL is an emotional vampire. She seems to feed off any negative emotion and makes it about her.

MIL recently made some really hurtful comments. She was going on about being worried about my DP, when I tried to reassure her she said "Well you wouldn't know, you're not a mother". This is despite the fact she knows that we're desperate for a family.

I've blocked her and am avoiding her.

I just don't understand why she uses any emotional situation to make it about her. It's almost like she gets off on it.

Why do people behave like this?

OP posts:

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 08:35

She was going on about being worried about my DP, when I tried to reassure her she said "Well you wouldn't know, you're not a mother". This is despite the fact she knows that we're desperate for a family

Sounds like she wanted you to join her pity party and when you wouldn't, she bit back. Glad you are setting up strong boundaries. It's hard to be around EVs - they just suck you dry. They don't change either - they just move onto other victims.

pictish · 09/04/2019 08:41

It might not have been a specific dig at your situation but rather she’s so self centred it didn’t occur to her that her comment was ill conceived. It certainly sounds as though it’s all about her.

Don’t think there’s much you can do to alter the way people like this think. It’s intrinsic to their personality. I wouldn’t have blocked her over that...it’s just another way in which she can be hard done by. I wouldn’t have given her the satisfaction.
Rise above.

Eateneasterchocsalready · 09/04/2019 08:44

OP I'm confused and genuinely don't understand what she's done wrong

She's worried about her child.... fine ... we all will it seems.... people on here at 50 say their parents go to grab their hand!!

You tried to reassure her and whatever you've said has illicted an insensitive comment.

Not nice mil and v insensitive I agree.

But where is emotional vampire stiff

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 08:51

Yes, OP - have you other examples? Was this latest one just the last straw for you?

Palominoo · 09/04/2019 08:53

She shouldn’t have snapped at you but if she is really worried about her son then she may have felt you were being dismissive about her fears.

I can’t see how that comment makes it all about her.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 09/04/2019 09:01

Thought this thread was going to be about Edward Cullen 😂😂

Your mil sounds like she was a bit insensitive but from the little you've said she doesn't sound that bad, just worried but maybe there's more...

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 09/04/2019 09:15

This is by no means the only comment. I've had it for 14 years. I think it's just been the drip effect.

Frankly, there are too many to list. I've always tried to be positive towards her but it's hard when she constantly makes any digs about me, my home and just everything I do.

I've had a really bad time recently, my mental health has been horrendous and I'm in A dreadful situation with work. She is aware of all of this yet continues to talk about death and be generally morbid about things. She talks about her wanting grandchildren on DP's side but then when I say were hoping to start a family (not recently but in the past (she says really hurtful things).

She also borders on hysterical if we don't call her back or message immediately. She tries to visit every week and it leaves both of us emotionally exhausted. She is in complete control of her daughter's life and I think she's trying to do the same with DP.

OP posts:

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 09/04/2019 09:16

Not sure what happened with the brackets there

OP posts:

Palominoo · 09/04/2019 09:33

What does your husband say or do when his mother makes these comments to you?

Why hasn’t he stepped in years ago and told her to treat you with respect if you feel you’re being disrespected?

To be honest with you she just sounds like your average cantankerous, strong willed woman who has been allowed to dictate to everyone in her family and when you married her son it has extended to you.

With people like this you have to nip their behaviour in the bus right from the start as now you’ve let it go in for so long it’s goinf to make you look like the unreasonable one if you start standing up to her.

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 09/04/2019 10:10

He's never in the room when she makes comments like this. He's absolutely furious with her.

I agree that she's been allowed to get away with things for too long. No-one has ever said anything about her behaviour so she just carries on. This is why I've blocked her. I don't want any contact.

DP visits them so as to avoid them coming here. I don't want to go completely NC because of FIL. He's lovely and comes to ours often to get away from her.

I've had comments about everything from why I'd want to pursue anything above a level 2 qualification, I'm doing a masters and she has said that she doesn't see why as her daughter has a level 2 qualification and she's fine.

She has also implied that I've cheated on DP because when DP and FIL went away together, I stayed with a friend and her family.

OP posts:

honeylane · 09/04/2019 14:17

"She has also implied that I've cheated on DP because when DP and FIL went away together, I stayed with a friend and her family."

WTF. Carry on as you are, let your DP deal with her from now on.

Palominoo · 09/04/2019 14:20

She sounds jealous of you, reading between the lines. Also jealous in her behalf of her daughter which is why she doesn’t want you to be ‘better’ than her daughter.

You’re doing the right thing by blocking her.

Triglesoffy · 09/04/2019 14:42

It doesn’t matter that other PP are saying she isn’t an EV. She has upset you and you have every right to have your hurt acknowledged.

If you can, try a bit of CBT. Imagine there is an invisible protective shield around you. Imagine that you get an nice warm glow around you when you think of it. Now imagine that there is a plastic dome around your MIl so what she says in her dome stays in her dome.

Now imagine that all her nasty little comments are trying to land on your shield but they’re dropping off and landing on the floor.

Now, finally, imagine that you’re saying to her “Thank you MIl, thank you for showing me how not to behave.”

Original poster

Andromeida59 · 09/04/2019 15:32

Thank you for the replies. For the past few years I've been able to handle her it's just been difficult because there's a lot going on at the moment. She just seemed to hone in on my weakness. Until my shield are back up, I'm having no contact with her.

The phrase "emotional vampire" came from DP not me.

DP feels he can't talk to his Mum because of how she behaves. The comment about "not being a mother" came after a conversation they'd had about us not being able to have children at the moment.

She is a horrendous woman but presents herself in such a way that you don't realise you've been stung until afterwards.

OP posts:

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