Ok....get a cuppa before you start, this is going to be long...
My parents split up and divorced last year after over 40 years of marriage.
My dad has been psychologically and emotionally abusive to my mum for years. They had got into a cycle of enabler/abuser and it was horrible to watch. He has depression and it is very cyclic between highs and lows. We think he's got bipolar but it's never been diagnosed as this.
Some of the time, they would be ok but tended to lurch from one holiday to the next with a lot of shit in between.
My dad has episodes of almost psychosis where he gets totally obsessed with certain subjects. Just before my mum left him last year, it was the state of the NHS after a short stay in hospital for a minor issue. He was vitriolic and utterly critical of the NHS, his care whilst in hospital, the consultant and also his care provided by us, his family, on his release from hospital. It was all he would talk about and there was absolutely no reasoning with him.
My mum left him at this point because she couldn't cope. I offered her a roof over her head as she had nowhere else to go and she lived with me, my partner and son for 7 long, painful, torturous months but that's another story!
I contacted my dad at this time immediately after she left and offered support - offered to do shopping, popped round because he thought he was developing sepsis (he wasn't) but avoided visiting for long because of this constant anger and vitriol.
He wrote both me and my brother letters which he hand delivered (a journey of almost 30 minutes to each property) telling us he was disinheriting us and no longer viewed us as his family because we hadn't cared for him in the way he expected and he accused me of trying to get him sectioned so I could steal his very limited money. I contacted his mental health team as I was concerned about his mental state and there was never any suggestion of sectioning from anyone.
When asked, he was not able to tell us what he felt we should have done.
I went low contact but continued to allow him to see my son, who he adores and who adores him but only had contact with him about this and avoided anything else.
Fast forward to now....my dad has just spent 3 months abroad.
Whilst away, his father (my grandad) became unwell and died. They didn't have a great relationship and my dad was very bitter towards my grandad for perceived slights that have happened in the past. Admittedly, my grandad could be a bit of a bugger!!
My dad didn't come home, didn't contact his dad even by phone despite being told very clearly that his dad was asking for him and chose not to come home for the funeral either. He has said he wants nothing from the house and does not want to visit my grandad's house.
So....he began contacting me to speak to my son a week or two before he came home and has organised to see him over the Easter holidays.
He's been sending me friendly emails as I made sure I kept him in the loop about my grandad for my own peace of mind and to ensure he can't come back at me in months to come to criticise and has bought me a gift from abroad to say thank you for all the work I put into looking after my grandad, sorting his funeral (all with help from my mum). I've told him I don't want anything but he's ignored this.
He's messaged me this morning congratulating my son on a recent achievement and also congratulating me on a personal achievement, both which my mum has told him about and finished the text "wow, what a family!".
I feel like he thinks we can go back to how things were before all the shit of early 2018 but I don't want to. I don't want to ignore his awful behaviour and the fact that he sent those poisonous letters which he could have not delivered and thought about his actions in the 30 minute drive to deliver them. Unfortunately, in the past, we have minimised his behaviour and blamed his mental state.
Do I:
- Ignore all the shit and be nice because he's my dad....
- Call him out on all of it and stay low contact...or go NC
- Space here for your suggestion!