if you're a sahm what does your dp do around the house/ kids etc

[salesmanager]

I'm a sahm and dh works mon- Fri
He has a long commute and he pretty much is very tired after work. So this means he does very little in turns of helping with the kids/ other jobs. If he has a bit of energy he will try and help out with bedtimes etc but basically I don't expect/ rely on him to do it. If he helps me that's great but the "responsibility" is still mine.

On the weekend, things still aren't that much different. I have to plan / organise what we'll be doing as a few family. He rarely suggests anything. He doesn't do homework/ reading with the kids. He doesn't play with them. That's all me. I have a baby and I'm finding it difficult to spend quality time with the older dc but dh doesn't even fill the gap either so Im feeling so guilty about the other DC.

Housework- baby is very clingy and so housework is gone to pot. But again dh doesn't really pick up any responsibility because I can't do as much anymore.

Basically if I don't do anything, nothing gets done. I'm getting ready frustrated. When I broach the subject he gets defensive saying he does help out but it's just such basic help it's not any responsibility offloaded from me.

I don't know how to deal with this. I'ts really upsetting me. Recently I was ill and even that didn't make a difference. I never got more help as I was ill. I just carried on doing what I always do.

Our 'rule' is that we both sit down at the same time, so I feel that I have a working day the same as DH, and I do treat it as a working day...I rarely sit down. In that time I tend to do all cooking/ laundry/ childcare ( we home ed)/ cleaning/ dog walking etc. One DH is home, or at weekends, we both do jobs that need doing until they are finished, then both collapse in a heap at the same time.

I would sit down for a proper discussion about this and how you feel with him.
Like you say, with an unputdownable baby, it is not like you have the whole day to swan about at leisure.

Maybe a list of everything that needs to be done per week together, then go through and see what's possible for you during the day, and what you can either do alone whilst he occupies children or he does whilst you occupy children.

Is a cleaner affordable once per week, or even once every 2 weeks? they could then do the deeper clean that is awkward with a baby, and then its easier to maintain a general clean on top daily in between. Thinking things like elbow grease clean of the inside of oven with chemicals, and then you do easier ie hoover and wipe surfaces.

Regarding activities with children, what to buy and where to go, yes he should take 50% of that mental load off you at the weekend. Can you make it that you arrange Saturday and he organises Sundays or similar

Nothing but mine are older. As you have a baby who is Velcro it wouldn’t hurt him to step up. My eldest was like this but the youngest always napped a little when the eldest was at nursery - that’s when I did housework.

My Dh does loads but he works from home.
I agree with pp, aim to sit down together most nights, if there's still stuff to be done, he should be doing his fair share.
On weekends you should both have equal down time. So if he needs a few hrs to himself, fine, but you should also get a few hrs to yourself.

DH is out the house 8-6, office job.

He gets up with DS and gets his breakfast / gets him dressed, or I do it, but more often him.

I do nursery run, lunch, afternoon childcare and dinner prep.

Once DH is home I finish tea and he plays with DS. He takes him to bed and I wash up and tidy up. If I haven't finished tidying up DH helps.

Weekends we share. I tend to cook, he tidies, I clean. He does bedtime every night.

If I want to go away for a weekend, he steps up and does it all and vice versa

I do all childcare, school runs, laundry, cooking, general house stuff and at weekends he hovers. It's a big bone of contention as he says the house is a tip. Had a cleaner coming once every two weeks because I have 3 kids with extra needs and not a huge amount of time. My organisation skills are rubbish too.

Causes a lot of friction if I'm honest.

My DH hovers too - over the kitchen table waiting for me to make him a cup of tea.