Difficult child at soft play

[Wallabyone]

I took my children to soft play. My four year old was playing in the 2-4 section and I was watching her and holding the baby. Two girls (approx 7/8) came in and started stacking the big soft shapes, no problem. My dd was playing with a few too, and one of the children went to take them from her (they appeared to be building a den).

My dd started to get cross and I told her not to worry and there were plenty of the shapes for everyone. One of the girls then looked at me, and I smiled. She then proceeded to glare at me and at my daughter, in a really unsettling way She kept it up for ages, so I asked if she was ok, she then replied 'we want the shapes and she took them'. I explained that she's four, that there were lots, blah blah (she didn't take them). I'm a teacher, and I wanted to say stop glaring and being so mean! But I didn't. The mum came over and heard the tail end and said 'you shouldn't even be in here.'

I was surprised at how bolshy she was in her interactions with me, an adult. She was making me feel uncomfortable as it was so prolonged. And then I wondered whether I should have said anything to her at all! Children can behave so strangely away from their parents, can't they?

Who was the mother talking to? You or the child?

To her child, she didn't say anything to me.

Some children are very confident. I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with a child being confident in confronting an adult. If anything it’s a good thing. Her problem was being rude and greedy.

No, I agree that children should be confident @GregoryPeckingDuck, it was more the glaring and sulky daggers towards my daughter and me that weren't so good.

I find a lot of kids these days are quite rude to adults who are not their parents.

Ah, I just thought you were more surprised that it was directed at you. It’s common though. A lot of children are absolutely horrid these days. I avoid talking to the glarers (or any children I don’t have to tbh) for this reason. I’ve had a few brats come up to me in these situations and start complaining about my child. I’ve always responded with a very honest ‘do I look like I care?’ Too many children are used to adults giving them what they want all the time or adjudicating their playground tiffs and are used to asking for it. Golden rule is don’t engage.

Many years ago my friends child was like this even at the age of three. I stopped looking after the little girl because she was so strong willed and precocious. I found her quite unnerving and dare I say it, sinister.

However, she has now grown up and is a delightful adult.

I've seen this, I'm also quite shocked at how rude some children can be to grown ups. Makes me wonder what their home life must be like. I've taken my 2yo into the toddler bits before and been told by older kids (too old to be in there) "get out, we're playing a game" I won't be pushed around by kids except my own and tell them no don't be so rude.

Luckily in my town there's a soft play with a beast of a woman working there who boots out any older kids from the toddler bit, she's amazing we just go there now!

I find this so awkward at soft play. I’m really precious about other children upsetting DD and it’s shocking how unkind some of the children can be. Then it’s awkward because do you tell off someone else’s child when they’ve hurt your one?

Golden rule is don’t engage.
I don't agree with this. I have seen some awful behaviour in soft play and it is because there are no adults there to tell them off.
I go on the frame with my daughter sometimes because if pushed she will hit them back (she is 3) and have seen a boy be grabbed by his collar, another be put in a headlock and choked, a boy jump on a little girl until she cried and many minor things too. I always call them out on it.

Don't engage is bad advice. It takes a village and all that

Then it’s awkward because do you tell off someone else’s child when they’ve hurt your one?

I've discovered that I do, because I've started before I even realise Especially when it's intentional (as much as can be for young children). Things like "hey now, we don't play like that! We share. Why did you do that? That's not kind! No, we don't hit/kick other children. He's only little, don't be rough. Would you like it if someone hurt you" etc. I've thought about whether I should, but once it happens the words are out immediately before I've even registered! Especially when the parent is absent.

I'd never call a child a name ("you're being naughty") but call out the behaviour, every time ("that's not kind. We don't do that.")

Rereading the OP, I think I'd probably have tried staring daggers back at her. In a really dramatic, excessive way. But I struggle to take small children particularly seriously, which can be a problem in its own right! You are correct that you see some strange behaviours away from the parents.

She'd either have backed off and left the area, or possibly tried to tell her mum- at which point you can say, oh sorry, I thought we were playing game! She was staring at me so much, I thought I'd play back! innocent smile

@iamthecaptainnow - a kindred spirit! Outglaring bolshy children especially my own is my specialty

Then it’s awkward because do you tell off someone else’s child when they’ve hurt your one?

Yes you do tell off someone else’s child if they hurt your child, if it was deliberate or through being rough. If not you just comfort your child and tell them it was an accident. You don’t need to be rude or unkind to the child who did the hurting, but I will point out if the child is too old to be in that area, or they were being too rough, or that their behaviour was unkind and not to treat others like that.

I don’t care if a child gives me daggers, or if a parent doesn’t like me talking to their child. I’m doing it because I don’t want my own children to feel like people can be unkind to them and that I will just stand by and watch.

I avoid soft play places like this now, for this very reason. It's so bloody awkward. I'd like to call them out on it but it happens so much I feel like I would constantly be calling kids out on their behaviour. I'd be mortified if DD behaved that way.

@grincheux Mine is only little (15mo) so not too much staring yet, but plenty of playground politics with older boys and footballs in playgrounds. Less in the U.K., people seem better as sticking with their own toys here- but we lived abroad for 12m and there it was a free-for-all. You leave your toy around, it's fair game for anyone who cares to grab it! More fun, but also required more parental involvement at times. Anyway, I digress.

I honestly don't understand this don't engage business. Even before having a child I would cheerfully tell off children in public for littering and other anti-social behaviour.

Children need to know that all adults are watching their behaviour and being away from parents is not a licence to misbehave.

I find it really difficult not to engage-I am a teacher through and through, and it's almost instinctive to talk to children when they're being difficult. Whoever said soft play can be really rough-so true! I kind of hope that decent towards other human beings behaviour is instilled in my kids so they don't suddenly behave like hyenas when unsupervised!