Supporting friend whose child hurts my child.

[mummyhaschangedhername]

For background: I have 4 children, two of which have additional needs, my eldest was very violent when he was younger. School were very resistant to supporting him, I guess they just didn't have the knowledge or resources to deal with a child with issues my child was having, however we moved schools and new school has worked with him and us very closely, my child hadn't put a toe of out line here, he's very popular, teachers absolutely adore him, it's honestly a different world and I am so grateful to the school.

I have a neighbour whose child also is in the school but in class with my youngest (both aged 4), the child is very violent. She lashes out a lot. She hurt 15 children in one week, she has caused bleeding to several children. Lots of parents in uproar, going in and complaining. Mother is understandably upset her child is acting in this way. I have tried to be supportive, after all I have been in the same boat.

She has told me a few times that her daughter had hurt mine, my daughter is really chilled out but also as some speech issues so she doesn't really come home and say much, although she can answer questions and explain things if needed. She told me several times her daughter hurt mine and then immediately told me why, reasons have included my daughter trying to be in front of line at dinner time, or my daughter laughing after her daughter has a strop with another child and pulled a funny face in a sulk. I spoke with my daughter about this.

I have been called in a few times and I have spoken to the teacher after my daughter has been hurt. The teacher tells me my daughter is one of the most easy going children she has ever had, she gets on with everyone, never any incidents or trouble. My daughter has been hurt a lot lately and the teacher has told me it's completely unprovoked form my daughter. I questioned if my daughter had pushed or jumped the line and she said no, "honestly, it was a completely unproved attack". I questioned the teacher because she can certainly hold her own as the youngest of 4 at home.

Anyway, my daughter was badly scratched down the face last week by the same child, again teacher says it's unprovoked, it very deep and had bled several times since. Parent came into me the next day, told me the girls had had a "fight" and my daughter had started it. I stated that I knew that wasn't the case and that I had spoken to the teacher. She responded that her daughter had told her what happens and never lies. I stood my ground about it, she eventually said maybe her daughter was mistaken and she realised her daughter was the one that hurt mine anyway. However she very upset by the whole thing.

I feel bad she's upset, I am under no impression my daughter is innocent, but there is no way the school would have said it's unprovoked if it wasn't because it would have looked better for them. I wasn't going to blame my daughter when I don't think she had anything to do with it. However I'm not sure how to help my friend, or what I should do really. I think she's fairly isolated, it would be easy for me to just keep my distance but I'm conflicted, a lot of my group of friends are angry her daughter has hurt their children, but I've been in her shoes, however, I never tried to negate blame, so I'm unsure how to handle this.

Sorry, for the novel. 🙈

I think you did the right thing.

It’s totally normal for a child to give a reason as to why she hurt someone and totally normal for their parent to believe them.

For it to be unprovoked is really quite concerning but I think all you can do is what you’re doing.

What is your friend actually doing to change things ? Has she made any changes with her dd ? Any visits to gp or SS? Any tips she’s taken on and tried ?

@Longlostperson - she thinks she may have some additional needs but it's hard to put a finger on what it would be. She acts out a lot at home. She did ask her HV to refer for support for social services but when asked what she wanted from that referral she said a friend had them and they organised cleaners to come every week, she said she would like the same so she could focus her energy on her daughter (she has fibromyalgia).

I'm always a bit suspicious with mine as it's like a war zone at home, so I'm always surprised they are so good in school (now at least).

It almost broke me being the mum of "that" child, but I never tried to excuse away his behaviour and I fought constantly for the right support, he has a statement of educational need now. I want to help, but I'm frustrated that she tried to blame my daughter and didn't seem remotely bothered about my daughters face. She then posts about having a rough day and needing a drink on Facebook. I am finding it hard to find the right ground between being a friend and protecting my daughter.

I did give her numbers for a support service who I have used but she finds it all too exhausting so hadn't done it as far as I'm aware.

Fibromyalgia is a hellish condition.
Maybe with her constant you could contact the support services on her behalf and get the ball rolling. Then let her know that obviously it’s extremely hard for her but if she wants to help her dd she has to find a way to fight through the pain and get her to place where she’s getting the help she needs so she can concentrate more on her own health.

Fifteen in a week! She is in denial and it is helping neither her child nor anyone else's. You have been successful with your own SEN child by fighting his corner and being aware of his aggression. I've been there too, including massive apologies to the parent when mine hurt another. By insisting that her child is always provoked and is therefore blameless she is able to ignore it. So what if another child laughs! My SEN ds had to learn not to over react (and is now mostly lovely!) If she won't learn from your experience and advice you probably can't help her. Will the school exclude her for a day at this age?

It's difficult for me to do too much. I'm a governor at the school, so I can't over step the bounds of supporting her with the school stuff. I've been trying to signpost her, but like I say she finds it difficult to do. I can't really call her HV or GP etc as that's not my place. She had private health insurance etc through her husband's work which I suggested might be a good idea to speak to, but her husband apparently doesn't like to use the phone and like I say she finds it exhausting. Such a catch 22 for her I suppose.

@BlatheringOn - yes sounds like our situations were similar. She has had two half day exclusions as far as I am aware. School have put her in "nurture" where they do social skills in small groups and referred her to challenging behaviour team. Mother isn't happy about both of these, feels child isn't getting anything from nurture and, well I'm not really sure what she wants really.

I was always painfully aware it was my child, yes sometimes he was provoked but it was because he reacted the way he did. In this case, no one is provoking her child, she just seems really sensitive. Mother seems to sometimes see it and other times not, one of the incidents where her daughter hurt someone, the reason the child gave was because the other child said her name. So she knows that it's normal behaviour.

It's odd though, my eldest triggers were all sensory or routine based, whereas no one can put their finger on what her daughters could be.

Sounds like everyone is trying to help except the mother. It was difficult being the parent of 'that child' but I was amazed how supportive other parents were when they found out that he was Aspergers. SEN girls are apparently harder to diagnose and it may be that she has triggers no one recognises yet. However, if the mother won't step up, the school needs to protect the other children. (In ds's case age 5-7 was the worst).

I think you are empathising with this woman too much because of the previous situation with your son. The circumstances sound very different and there is nothing in your post that suggests she actually wants support from you. In fact it sounds like she is actively blaming your dd which isn't ok.

In your shoes I would focus my energy into making sure your dd is safe in school. The situation cannot continue and the school have a duty of care to your dd and the other children.

Thanks everyone. She has asked for support several times and made comments both privately and publicly that she is grateful for my support. It was such a dam time for me, that I think your right I have empathised too much!

My daughter told me this girl hurt her again, same situation in the lunch time line, but I think she just grabbed her and hadn't left any marks or anything, unlike her face. I have spoken to a few friends who all say she just isn't facing reality and unfortunately there are a lot of unhappy parents.

I agree though, I need to focus on protecting my own child. Thanks for the perspective.

As a governor should you not be raising this as a safety issue for the other children? Can this child have more supervision in school ? Is the senco involved?

I've mentioned informally but governors don't have a role in the day to day running,so unless a compliant or exclusion happen we don't have much involvement. Senco is involved, they have a educational plan in place, they are referred to challenging behaviour team, they have put in extra support at difficult times and they the child in a nurture group which is small group social skills stuff. I obviously know this via the mum not the school.

But no, it's not a governors role or position to get involved in these sort of things, although we would be involved in the safeguarding policies but not involved with individual cases.