Sudden change in friendships - advice needed.

[VerenaR]

Just here for some friendship advice really. Recently, two of my friendships just seem to have fallen apart - not in a big way, as there has been no falling out or disagreement. Instead, the friendships seem to have distanced and I’ve realised I’m putting all of the effort in.

Friend A I have known for ages and we’ve always been great friends. She went through a tough time around 2 years ago, but I supported her through it. She always used to be keen to meet up and it used to be a mixture of us arranging things. Recently, I have to always be the one to get in contact with her to arrange to meet, and she never replies to my messages. If she does, it will always be days or a week after I originally sent the message. I’m finally getting a bit tired of always making the effort.

Friend B I met at university last year. We saw each other a lot last year and still saw each other a lot until about Christmas. We are very similar people and got on well. After Christmas, something seemed to change. Despite living together this year, I barely see her! She seems to be in her room all of the time and barely replies to my messages. I have asked her whether she is alright but she just dodges the question. Sent her a message a week ago, and she still hasn’t replied. She never messages me anymore, and we hardly ever go out. I see her replying to things on Facebook so I know she is on her phone and must have seen my message. And she makes the effort to go out with a different friend - is it time to distance myself, is she simply not bothered? Difficult thing is we are on the same course so may be a bit awkward, but next year we are not living together.

Just to clarify, I don’t message them all of the time as I can see that would be annoying. But when I do, I’m always the one making contact first and organising meet ups.

I’m a bit annoyed at always having to put the effort in, especially as I don’t know why things have changed and they won’t even reply to me until days later, if at all. Should I distance myself from both friendships ? The thing is, I don’t have that many other friends, only 2 other good friends I’d say. Can anyone offer advice on the situation, as I’m really trying my best here to keep the friendships afloat.

Sorry - I didn’t realise how long that post was. Feel free to skip parts of it, didn’t realise I was rambling so much!

If you feel you have made the effort continuously you may need to leave it to them. Have you any hobbies that you could meet people?

I know I should just leave the friendships to see if they reciprocate. But I don’t have that many other friends, so that what makes me hesitate, as I still want friends!

To be honest, quite a lot of my hobbies are ‘things done on your own, like reading and drawing. Maybe a book club or something?

I wouldn't write these two off, keep in contact but perhaps ease off suggesting to meet up for a bit? Sometimes people are busy, tired, stressed, etc and if the expectation is you always contact to arrange something they may hold off replying to you - if that makes sense?

I'm only suggesting to meet up with them because I know we would fall out of contact otherwise. I only see friend A in the university break, so I contacted her as it is coming to the end of both of our breaks, I arranged to meet as I knew we wouldn't otherwise. Do you think I should have left it? Before contacting her this week, I last contacted her in early March and that was just a 'hi, how are you' chat, last saw her in December.

My uni course is fairly low contact so I used to just go out and chat in a cafe with Friend B as we have the spare time. We used to arrange this but now I rarely see her for coffee...probably 3 times last term?

I'm just confused and don't know what to do as I don't want to feel pushy, I'm just trying to keep the friendship going (not doing it very well 😅)

I feel for you I really do, no words of wisdom from me I’m afraid! I can struggle at times with this also, I think I am just socially awkward 🤷‍♀️ And overthink things!

Yes, I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking things and just being a bit grumpy about it. It’s just changed so much from the beginning of both friendships - it definitely used to be a mutual conversation, not just one-sided.

Do you think one or both friends might have met a new partner recently and be so wrapped up in the new relationship that they are not that interested in other friendships? Not saying that's a good way to behave, but it might explain the change in attitude.

If you've not actually had a fall out, I wouldn't abandon either friendship altogether, but you probably need to adjust your expectations and view them as friends who you meet up with occasionally rather than close friends. And I definitely don't think you should make any plans with them which would involved real upset to you if they cancelled at the last minute (eg going on holiday, expensive theatre tickets) as neither friend seems very reliable.

They’re definitely not in new relationships, either of them. Friend B was in one last year but broke up with them, hasn’t met anyone new yet.

I see Friend A probably about 5 or 6 times per year , I call that quite occasional?

For Friend B, because we are at university together, I think I do need to adjust my expectations. When I return to university after Easter, I will wait until she gets in contact to arrange something and that might make the friendship, and where I stand, a bit clearer hopefully !

I haven't rtwt but the one thing I would say is that very few people I became friends with at university are still my friends today. In fact, I'd say I only have one friend - my best friend - and we will go weeks without speaking and months (sometimes even over a year plus) without seeing each other. However, if I was going to call someone at 3am in the morning in absolute hysterics, she would be the one I called.

With these two friendships you probably don't know the full picture, everybody has their own shit going on and may not feel comfortable sharing or want to burden. I'm guessing as you're still in university that there's a lot of work on for these people as well so it could be just a case of streamlining things. I had a good friend that I lived with during uni, and had actually known for years prior (total fluke we ended up at the same uni and living together) I had this idealised version of being flat mates and then I barely ever saw her.

Friendships are certainly trickier to make as you get older but often I think looking at other people around you and how the media portrays friendships gives us really unrealistic views of how they should be. I can assure you that as you get older you will get close friendships but won't necessarily see them all the time. If you feel like you're making all the effort and the benefit isn't outweighing the effort maybe hold back a bit. A true friend will be there when needed and while friendships and relationships do take work, there needs to be equal amounts of give and take. Don't waste effort on people that don't give back.

Thank you for your advice. Yes, I think I’m just worried as I don’t have too many other friends,
So I’m trying to hold on to the friendships I do have. I totally agree with you about the idealised picture of having perfect friends/a wide social circle as an adult, people just don’t have time anymore!

I think come the summer, I will know where I stand better with both friendships. With Friend A, we will be back at home so I’ll wait and see if she contacts me at all, I won’t contact her first
And for Friend B who I won’t see over the holidays (I did last year but I don’t think that’s going to happen now!) I’ll wait and see if she gets in touch with me.

Hopefully I’ll find a summer job and meet new people.

The one you are living with, I'd kick on her door, ask "can we talk" and hopefully you get invited in, and can have a heart to heart about if she's ok, how you're feeling about the lack of contact, have you upset or offended her, etc.

The other - hmm. Maybe don't bother contracting her about a may half term meet and once it's summer hols give her a ring?

*knock, not kick 😁

I really doubt she would answer the door to be honest, she seems to have retreated a bit lately but whenever I ask her if something is wrong she just says she is fine. I think she just prefers the other friend to me in all honesty - if there is something wrong, I hope she has confided in her other friend.