Feeling sad about not even 1 date for the last 1.5 years :/

[LottaBerry]

I know there's always this thing of you don't need to be in a relationship to feel happy, content, etc. but I'm just one of those people that does - everything seems less satisfying without it...

I'm mid-20s, haven't dated anyone in the last 1.5 years as all the people I meet in real life are at work (wouldn't date anyone at work and anyway 95% are married) or at the shops (but obviously wouldn't randomly date someone I bumped into at the shops and the ones who usually ask people on the street are very odd anyway).

Have been on the dating app for years on and off, and have about 300 matches yet most of them don't say hi (even some where I've said it first). Have been messaged by about 30 of them over the year and each of them had a clear red flag even in those intro convos.

I only go on a first date if I think there's a high chance I'm interested in them - usually every first date has turned into at least a few months thing but recently, went on a first date which turned into nothing (last week) for the first time ever.

Find it very difficult to make proper friends - people are nice enough and willing to make small talk but never keen on anything more as they've already got either friendship groups or busy with their family, children etc.

I know I'm always way more productive when I'm dating someone, as it gives me extra motivation in everything (fitness, career, etc.) but yes, I know it shouldn't be this way and I am generally quite independent and a bit of a loner so feel alone time and time with the person I'm dating is enough (not the type to crave having 100s of friends etc all the time).

Not looking for marriage, kids or even to move in with the person but just someone attractive and fun to hang out with at the weekend. It's dull having a 5 day 9-5 at work and then 2 days just doing errands, chores, etc. and then back again doing 9-5.

I have 2 degrees, a highly respected job, car, not terrible looking but just feels so crappy. I'm smiley, friendly, lively, etc. but seems to get me nowhere and seems a lot of men look nervous around me.

You say you haven't dated but had a date last week.

This isn't meant to sound arsey, but it's not that odd that you have had one instance of only having one date with someone.

I didnt do online dating. Scares the shit out of me. But lots of people will go on a date and it doesnt lead anywhere. That's only happened once.

I do sympathise with the 'men looking nervous'. I often find men like that. Even my boss at work is a bit nervous of me. Mainly because I wont just accept something because he says it. If I think it's the wrong thing, I will debate my point, make a good solid argument and he usually changes his mind. Gives a nervous laugh then admits o am right. But it makes him nervous.

I am not rude, but dont mind speaking my mind if I feel it's the right thing to do and isnt going to hurt anyone. But it does make people nervous.

I met my dp in my best friends kitchen, didnt even realise he was there for the first 10 mins. Totally unexpected. We became friends, then dated and now live together. He isnt perfect but perfect for me. He isnt nervous around me, in fact he can debate with me all day long. He loves the fact that I dont just back down as well.

What I am saying dont be disheartened by the recent dating no going anywhere and if men do seem intimated but you are happy with who you are, that's their issue.

I think a lot of people are online dating for an ego boost. They dont ever message anyone. I dont think the issue is you.

Its circumstance (ie really only meeting new people at work) and the world of online dating. You need to fine more things to do that have a social aspect.

Failing that, Bob round to your best friends....see who is hanging out in her kitchen

Good luck

@Jessgalinda
Thank you for your detailed reply - what you've said does make me feel a bit better.

I meant I hadn't had even one date for 1.5 years until that one last week - I've just never had it where things have died down after one date I suppose, even though it was me who ended the date after 5 hours and him saying we should meet again, yet very hot and cold in the days after which I found off-putting and cut contact.

Yeah I hope you're right about the ego boost aspect - just kinda thought it'd be the men who are usually super keen on the pursuing initially (not all of them but many of them) so find it odd they're more stand-off-ish and less desperate/keen than what I'm used to lol

Nice story of how you met your DP - unfortunately even that kinda thing is very unlikely to happen as moved to a new area a few years back for work and as everyone at work is married, socially busy etc. I've never made any friends of the "go around to their house type" friendships.

Jump on the dating thread on here. Online dating is not for the faint hearted but I think you’d do well to go on more dates instead of waiting for men who you really think are suited to you. You could meet someone you think is less suitable but instantly click with them. Or get to know them and have the attraction build from there.

It's been about 10 years since I had a date. About 5 years since I stopped trying to get them. I realised I was complete Wanker magnet and decided being single was a better option.

I am glad I helped a little. But

Nice story of how you met your DP - unfortunately even that kinda thing is very unlikely to happen as moved to a new area a few years back for work and as everyone at work is married, socially busy etc.

I met my best friend at work I was her manager. You never know

Yea that's true @MIA12 ... just easier said than done sometimes :(

Thanks Jessgalinda and TaliZorahVasNormandy for your replies too.

More replies welcome :)

What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Could you join a group related to something you're interested in? I've used meetup.com in the past for going to gigs for example. Don't think of it as a way to meet a man, but a way to make friends and do something enjoyable.

Honestly though, we come into the world alone and leave it the same way. While a good relationship is wonderful to have, there are no guarantees in life. I don't think it's healthy to be so reliant on finding a man in order to be happy with yourself.

I know it's a cliche, but in my experience I never met a significant other when I was looking. It was always when I was happy in my own skin and not fussed about a relationship that they appeared!

What about one of those local dating groups where you meet up in person at a local venue, not speed dating as such but I’ve seen them advertised where you sign up and then receive an invite to a restaurant etc.

I don't know if this helps, but I was pretty much single throughout my twenties (or in relationships so rubbish I might as well have been). No reason, it just never happened. But I met DH when I was 29 and knew within a month we would get married, 10 years on very happy.

So don't lose hope.

Also - although you shouldn't make finding a partner the be all and end all of your life, the need for companionship (of some kind) is pretty universal, so please don't beat yourself up about wanting someone. It's ok to feel that way. (Learnt the hard way from experience!). All the best to you. X

Thank you all for your helpful replies so far - I really appreciate it :)

@Sakura7
I've looked into the meetup website a while ago actually but in my city, it seems very quiet and like not much is happening or are there many people on those groups for some reason. I just sit around reading the news and articles etc during my spare time mostly or just going to the shops etc.

@Palominoo I've not ever heard of that concept - I know of online dating and I'm sure speed dating etc. exists but never of what your describing... is it just in particular parts of the country?

@BlueBrush Aw I see, nice to hear a positive story - where/how did you meet your DH?

I did actually meet DH online dating - so it can work!

@BlueBrush Aw that's nice, on what website/app if you don't mind me asking?

Did you have to go through chatting/dating a lot of awful men before meeting him?

In the nicest possible way, OP, you don’t sound as if you have a lot going on in your life other than work — don’t you have any interests, or friends, even if you do like spending time alone? It’s just that you sound bored by your own life, and I wonder what you’re bringing to the table other than smiley, solvent and decent-looking?

Hi @LottaBerry. It was match.com but this was quite a while ago now so I don't know what that site is like now. I met DH pretty quickly as it happens, but agree with PP that OLD isn't for the faint-hearted. Also think there's something about just getting out and meeting people (as long as they seem nice). I thought DH and I were going to be totally wrong for each other, but I thought he seemed a nice guy and maybe we could be good mates, so decided to meet him (I was open with him about that). But then I met him and was massively attracted to him! So you just never know. You could spend a year kissing frogs and not getting anywhere, or you could strike lucky immediately. The older I get the more I think that having a successful longstanding relationship is partly about the hard work you put into it, but a lot of it is down to massive good luck in finding and being attracted to the right person!

No one ever met the love of their life sitting around at home OP. Either you hit the dating sites and kiss some frogs (and hopefully meet someone), or you make a serious effort to go out and get engaged with some activities in your home area. Personally, I'd rather meet someone in person than on a dating site, but I'm not of the 'dating site' generation. I like to look someone in the eye, see if we have any chemistry, etc. You're so young - surely there are people your age going out on a Fri/Sat night and having some fun? If not, I suggest you make an effort to widen your social circle. Join a gym. Do an evening class. Join the local running club. Just do something! You're mid-20s FGS - I was out several nights a week doing stuff at that age.