Tricky situation with a 'friend'

[chuffnstuff]

I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to put this together and have it making sense and not being outing, but here goes...

We know a couple who we tend to go for a drink with, as a larger group on a Friday. Apart from me and the female of the couple, the rest are blokes, which inevitably means we get left to have girl talk, for want of a better word.

I've known this couple for 5 years, my husband longer.

Now the woman is an 'expert' on everything. She is harmless in her intent, but has a tendency to always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, butt in to everyone's conversations when they are mid flow and repeat herself at least 5 times.

Over the past couple of years I swear she's been getting worse and it started to grate on me, or maybe I've become more aware of it, I'm not sure.

She's been told politely before, by someone in the group, that she needed to pipe down to which she burst into tears. 'Oh, poor 'Mary', she's had a tough life and doesn't mean any harm', was the response from someone.

So here's the thing, my dad died suddenly a few months ago. Whilst seeing this couple a few weeks lately, he passed on his condolences, she didn't, not sure if that's relevant. They guy asked me what had happened, and as I explained, she jumped in and started with 'ah, but that's hard to diagnose' I.e what he died of. Why oh why would someone say that to a friend whose dad has recently died? She said it in such a way that she had clearly been there in the hospital.

This was the icing on the cake for me after putting up with it for so long.

I should mention at this point, that up until a few years ago she used to type up handwritten doctors notes onto computer.

Yesterday evening the same thing happened with another set of friends that popped in to the pub. They had lost a dear friend that morning, and she just had to give her 'expert' opinion as to what had happened.

So, if you're still with me... I am at the stage where I no longer want to drink or have anything to do with the female of the couple. I'm more than happy for my husband to carry drinking with the group, that is no issue for me at all.

My husband thinks I owe an explanation to her before I do that. If I was to do that I know she'd cry and I'd be the bad person, even though the others know what she's like but only go on to say she didn't mean it, she's harmless, blah blah blah.

At work, I follow their rules etc. In my personal life I have my own rules and the older I get the less tolerant I am of people like her, even if they don't bloody mean it!!!!!

Wwyd?

I don't think you owe her anything! She's not harmless if she is constantly upsetting people. If your husband is that bothered then he can explain if she asks.

That's how I feel about it @ShutTheFridgeUp , thank you!

Sounds to me like she's more socially awkward than saying stuff to be a 'know all'??

It depends if you want to continue going out with the group or not. If you do, then next time she is out of order just call her on it. It may be that she will decide not to come any more which would solve your problem without you missing out on the nights out.

You could also make sure you don’t sit next to her and join in the conversation with the blokes so that she gets left out.

If she is out of order but you are polite in the way you pick her up on it, then you won’t come out as the bad guy.

Well done for putting up with it for so long, life is too short for tolerating idiots, I would have said something well before now!

Agree with @shutthefridge

I’m with you OP. I’d wash my hands of her. Let your DH explain if it’s so important to him that she gets an explanation.

I have very little tolerance too.

No, I don't think you owe her an explanation. And the reason your DH does is because he knows when he shows up without you, she (or others in the group) will be asking where you are. And he does't want to have to explain provide an excuse for your absence.

I'm probably the female in this scenario.

I wouldn't explain, she can't help it and maybe won't have the awareness to get what the issue is. Or she may do but talking about it will send her into a hole of shame. Some gentle ghosting will do.

If you want a mildly passive/actually possibly helpful video on what she's not doing, Brene Brown's animation here is lovely.

I think I missed the "aggressive" out above, now what was that I was saying....

:-)

Yeah I'd move on. No explanation needed.

If you are friends with the entire group, then I don’t see why you let yourself get stuck in a ghetto with this socially inept bore, just because you’re both female. Sit somewhere else. You’re allowed to talk to the men. No, I don’t think you owe her anything.

I wouldn't explain, she can't help it and maybe won't have the awareness to get what the issue is. Or she may do but talking about it will send her into a hole of shame.

What does this even mean??

OP, you don’t need to explain anything to anyone.

If dh wants an “excuse” tell him to say you’re taking a break from socializing as you’ve stuff going on. He doesn’t need to explain and nor do you.

Ha, ha, it means you know you go on a bit and try not to. However, if someone points it out, you feel really bad for ages.

I had a friend like this and also washed my hands of her. She worked in a medical capacity but wasn’t a doctor. However that didn’t stop her imparting her “medical knowledge”, as she called it.

If you like everyone in the group why can’t uou just sit with someone else?

Ha, ha, it means you know you go on a bit and try not to. However, if someone points it out, you feel really bad for ages.

But how do you know that’s what friend is like? And if you know you go on a bit, just stop?!

What nonsense, Whatdoyouknow. If you’re aware of acting like a dick, just stop it without having to have it pointed out to you.
You have no reason to suppose you know what the op’s friends motives for her behaviour are, either.

She's definitely not socially awkward, she honestly believes she's right about everything.

Example me 'dogs shouldn't have chocolate', her 'well we always gave our dogs chocolate', me 'it's poisonous for dogs', her 'no it's not', me 'yes it is', her 'no it's not' and so on, whereby you have to google the scenario to actually prove she's wrong. And then she'll just say 'ah, I always believed it was ok'.

It's just exhausting.

I don’t think you owe her an explanation, by the sounds of it she wouldn’t listen or take it on board anyway. I struggle with know it alls (they never do!), so l think you have been more than tolerant

You don't owe her an explanation, your DH can provide one if she asks. I'd be more annoyed that it seems you're semi-forced to chat to her simply because you're both women. I wouldn't be going out with DH if I was expected to be left talking to someone else I didn't really want to talk to just because I'm female and so is she. I'd want to chat with the group like everyone else.

While she does sound like hard work, your update makes it sound like you think arguing back will change her mind or teach her something, and with the best will in the world you'll be arguing with a brick wall. I totally get it - people who insist they are right when they really aren't are absolutely maddening at times. If she's arguing black is white again, I'd just laugh at her and say 'ok, whatever!' and then talk to other people. DH had a friend like that at uni, he used to argue at me and my housemate (he knew more about her degree than she did according to him, despite not ever taking the course) until we decided to stop answering and just laugh at his 'facts' instead. He loved the drama of a 'debate' when in fact it was just his way of making himself feel more intelligent and important, so when we stopped engaging it made everything more pleasant and he stopped being so much of a twat. Eventually.

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule That's a really interesting perspective, thank you. I'd never thought of it that way!

If you enjoy going out on a Friday with the group then don’t let her dickishness stop you.
Like Zelda I’d just agree with her shit and then talk to someone else.
Twat: yes so Edinburgh is actually in England
You: that’s interesting
Twat: and dogs live till they’re 30 if you shave them
You: oh really
Twat: and although your dad died of a heart attack my extensive knowledge of typing up medical notes would tell me that it was in fact an infected leg
You: oh right ok

Just don’t engage, don’t argue, don’t get rattled. Her behaviour is borne out of poor self-esteem. The only recognition she gets in her life is from her apparent “knowledge”. So just go with it and move on. She’s never going to change. Why should you ground yourself from an evening out because of her?

@cauliflowersqueeze,

please be my personal life coach until the end of time.

Brilliant post

;-)

That made me laugh @cauliflowersqueeze and you are spot on!!!