Aren't folk strange?

[Borntobeamum]

After recently (February) been diagnosed with Colon cancer, I've had surgery (4 weeks Ago) to remove 1/3 of my colon. Despite it beibg major surgery, I feel I'm recovering relatively well and just bumped into some friends in a cafe.
We all sat together.
They had sent me a card and some flowers which I'd previously thanked them for but the conversation went like this -
Me - the flowers you sent were so pretty and lasted ages. Thank you again!
Them - Oh we've had such an awful few months. We had a water leak and the water company are trying to work out how much extra we've been billed. It's been a really bad start to the year.
My DH - Oh dear, not easy for you.
Them - I know! I don't think it could get much worse.

They then proceed to tell us about every little thing that's gone wrong this year, including being overcharged at Aldi for a Yoghurt.

Obviously in the hierarchy of world problems. Colon cancer is very low!

My fil passed away a few years ago after being diagnosed with a very rare illness.

When we saw him I always asked him how his treatment was going etc as he told me that I was one of only a few people who asked him and others ( including his own dw ) would not talk about it.
He needed to offload I suppose and I didn't realise how important that was to him until
he told me. He went into great detail which was petrifying for me as I have very bad health anxiety!
Everyone is different of course but I think it's insulting to compare a water "tragedy"
to what op has just been through.

Hope you are feeling much better soon op

Sometimes I'm afraid to ask people how they are in case they tell me they're going to die, especially if we're in a public place where I'd feel obliged to mute my response.

I think it’s one of those things that might vary a lot depending on the individual, and maybe also on the length of time one has been dealing with it.

Family and close friends might also feel more able to ask more searching or intimate questions, whereas acquaintances might feel they could be intruding on a very private experience or that they might make you feel uncomfortable by asking too much.

Slowknitter- I don't speak from ignorance. My son died. And 80% of people treated me for months after like cut glass. Hushed tones. Tilted heads. Knowing smiles. Once I laughed and a friend caught my eye, placed a hand on my arm and nodded sagely. Giving me permission to laugh, in spite of my pain. Before she did that - I was just fucking laughing!

When people are ill, terminally, cancer or otherwise. I treat them like I always have. Because really a their friend, they aren't a different person!

I definitely think things will vary with each individual...when bad times hit here I was upset when people didn't ask but then when a friend had difficulties she was upset with people asking....
Now I am in her mindset and would rather people carry on as normal and I want us to be as normalised as possible.
Overall most people just mean well to be fair.
I'm sorry to those who's family have let them down though in times of need..I cannot begin to understand how hard that must have been

I totally agree about carrying on as normal but for me that includes asking a friend who has had any major thing happening how they are,how it went? So they can tell me if they want to,offload if they need to,or just say "it's ok,(or much the same,or whatever), how are things with you?" at which point I would move on to telling them about my awful experience with the water leak!

Yes, I think is acceptable in most cases to address it. 'I'm sorry you've had a really tough time', their response will indicate whether they want to talk about it. If they are a closer friend then you can be more specific 'how was your appointment this week?' and again, take their lead on whether they want to talk.

To ignore it runs the risk of being very hurtful. Those who don't want to talk about it will make it clear.

reindeermama - so sorry to hear that. I get what you mean about acting normal, I just think that asking how things are going (whether that's with their chemo, their loft conversion their new job or their day-to-day life after a bereavement) is part of normal conversation. Avoiding the subject altogether would seem very forced and unnatural to me.