Nightmare in laws have taken it too far

[Bluebell7878]

Hi,

This is my first post on any kind of forum. I have never known a situation like this one I have been in and hoping there is someone who can assure me that what my in laws have done isn’t normal behaviour. Sorry in advance for the long story!

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years and we have a lovely little baby boy who is 15 months old. Our relationship isn’t perfect, it’s had its ups and downs, but we love eachother and our son dearly.

My MIL decided there was a problem with me after we had been together a few months when my OH’s sister decided I had a problem with her (I had done nothing, literally nothing. She just loves a drama and will cause it from anything). So since then I’ve had my guard up and rightly so as things just got worse and worse.
When I first met my MIL I got asked a lot of questions about my background and what I did for work etc and I feel like she basically decided I wasn’t good enough for her son and that was that. For the first 4 years it was petty things she used to have digs about which I just let slide cause it really wasn’t worth causing arguments over. She didn’t just do it with me, she did it with a lot of people. Every time I went round there she was slagging someone off for one reason or another.
About 4 years ago when me and my OH were buying our first property, he had a big falling out with his sister. They never got on but they came to blows and they fell out and the issue was never resolved. His parents, instead of banging their heads together and telling them to stop being so stupid, took his sisters side! Now I’m not biased, I’ve told my OH they were both as bad as eachother but I also think his parents never tried to sort the issue for years and this is why this happened. My OH, not wanting to upset his precious mother, accepted it and since then whenever he wanted to see them, we had to work around the sister. This is to the extent that when I found out I was pregnant with my son and my OH called his parents saying we wanted to come over and tell them something, (so it was obvious we had some news!) they told us we would have to speak to them on the drive cause his sister was there for the evening so we couldn’t come in! What even is that!?!
When the MIL found out I was pregnant she was all over me like a rash as I was carrying “the first grandchild” but to the point where she was trying to control me. Everything we bought had to be “approved” by her or she had to tell us what to get as she thought she knew better. I don’t mind being given advice, I was a first time mum, but there’s a difference being given advice and being dictated to.
When my son was born, it was unbearable. My FIL was just as bad, if not worse. I was wrong cause I bottle fed, I was told my son wasn’t hungry when he was, I was wrong for going out on a night out when he was 6 months and leaving him with my OH. I didn’t wind him right, wean him right, put him in the car seat right. You name it, I did it wrong. I admit I did show I wasn’t pleased with the comments a few times. It was all new to me being a mum and I was already paranoid enough as it was, I didn’t need to be questioned about every decision I made. And to make it worse, my OH never said a word in my defense.
6 months ago the golden sister got married. Now this girl hadn’t spoken to me and deleted and blocked me and my OH off of everything which suited me fine. When my son was born she told my in laws she wasn’t interested in her nephew and wanted nothing to do with him (nice ay). But then what happens, she sends a wedding invitation to me and my son but NOT my OH, her own brother. My OH hit the roof as you can imagine and my in laws said he was out of order for being cross and she was doing it so my son “felt included”. Can I point out that practically none of my OHs family ask about or have ever asked to see our son. My MIL proceeded to completely slag my OH off to me about a week later when she came over to see the baby when my OH wasn’t there. She said some horrible things about him (her own son!) and I defended him and then that was it, she stormed out and both in laws didn’t speak to me or see my son for 3 weeks. My OH even told them we had no hot water for 3 days and they didn’t even offer for us to bring my son over so he could have a bath! It took me having to go and apologise for it to stop. I really didn’t want to but my OH asked me to and I just couldn’t be bothered with the drama anymore. My MIL was so rude to me it was unbelievable and how I didn’t slap her I don’t know. She then told my OH that was I was a terrible GF to him and had been for years and that I didn’t deserve him. Really!?!? I’m the only person who has ever defended him! Not saying I’m GF OF THE YEAR or anything, I tell him when I think he’s being an idiot but I adore him and she knows that. It was just her dripping her poison in to make herself look better. My FIL will never ever tell her she is wrong and doesn’t listen to anything he doesn’t want to hear.
Since the fallout with the sister I started to notice how spiteful my in-laws were towards my OH. They called him lazy, said he was antisocial, said he was getting fat, said his breath stank, said he was a nightmare child and ruined their lives for years. Weird things for a parent to say to their kid in my option. He even got promoted at work and instead of being happy for him, they basically said they didn’t understand why anyone would promote a lazy sh*t like him and they must have made a mistake. It was like any reason they got to have a dig at him they would.
Now recently we have moved again and, as I’m sure some of you have experienced, it’s a stressful time. Nevermind when you had a very active 1 year old. When I say moved, we sold our property but the place we were buying fell through so we are staying with my mum who lives in a small 2 bed house. My in laws live in a 4 bedroom house but there was no offer for us to move in there (which I wouldn’t have wanted to do anyways but for the sake of my son I would have done it so he was in his own room). It was Mother’s Day the other day and I went out with my mum to see my Nan who is in a nursing home. My OH called his mum and said he was going to pop over with her card and flowers and she said to come over later on as she was going out with the sister. She didn’t get back to him til quite late on so he called her and asked if she wouldn’t mind if he brought it over the following morning cause our son is incredibly unsettled and was asleep and he didn’t want to wake him up. Well, she went ballistic. Started slagging me and all my family off, said she didn’t know why I even went to see my Nan as she wouldn’t even remember that I had been (my Nan has dementia). Said she didn’t see the issue in my OH taking my son there and it “doesn’t matter” that his routine is interrupted cause “that is parenting”. That poor baby is so unsettled it breaks my heart every day. So the MIL put the phone down on my OH and he text her and said he would come over when I got home but she told him not to bother cause she was going out. Clearly she wasn’t, but she was just being pathetic. He went over the Monday morning on his way to work and tried to explain and apologise and she threw it back in his face and told him he puts me and my son before her and that he bows down to everything I was and told him to “F off and die”. This has broken my OHs heart. He called my FIL devastated and he basically said the same thing. My OH in his anger said he thought they were bad parents and couldn’t believe how they were behaving and said they have treated him badly for years.
My OH gave it a few days and contacted them again today and they have told him they are done with him and they want nothing more to do with him. My FIL then called me (while I was at work can I add and he knew that) and told me their son was my problem now and I’ll have to deal with him cause they are done with his s**t. Said it was clear me and my son would always come first and they’ve had enough of it.

Now, I could be wrong but my son and OH come first in my life, I think that is pretty standard. Also, yes ok he called them bad parents but how does what he did justify how they treated him and have done for a while?

There’s loads more I can say but I will end up writing a book on here lol. I just wanted to know I wasn’t going mad here and this was ridiculous behaviour on their part?
Also, I don’t really want my son around them anymore but do you think this is out of order on my part to say this?

Your in laws are crazy. Avoid, avoid, avoid. They are unkind to your OH, they clearly have issues with him, so I would decline the wedding invite and get on with your lives without them or until they make contact and apologise.

They sound like horrible people. They have chosen not to be in their sons life so by default they have also chosen not to see their grandchild imho. Keep well away and support your DP as well as you can.

Complete no contact with them and the sister. Be prepared that OH will likely be sucked in to the MILs vortex of drama but stay firm and you and DSS will never see or speak to them again. They are unstable and inconsistent which you dont need around your son, nor do you need them slagging off his dad. I would encourage your OH to start counselling as he has a lot of healing to do. My in laws are difficult but this is beyond bat shit.

What do you mean by came 'to blows'?

Thanks for your comments. I felt like I was going mad but I’m glad you agree I am right that this is not normal behaviour.

Wotsittoyou - they basically had a massive argument and it was the straw that broke the camels back. She told him she couldn’t wait for him to leave cause his parents didn’t want him around anyways and everything would be better off when he’s gone. After that he told his parents he hated her and I don’t blame him. That girl is just an impossible as her parents.

What hasn’t helped is when the FIL called me today he asked for some money back which they had lent us which I knew nothing about and then I got accused of lying when I said I didn’t know what they were talking about. Turns out my OH run up a big cc bill and asked to borrow it but lied to his parents for what it was for! He told them it was to pay for nursery fees for a few months. He said he didn’t tell me cause he thought I would be mad but I just feel like I’ve been made to look a complete idiot! Not that I care what they think of me but I was so upset that my OH kept it from me. Also, the nursery fees come out of my wages and they knew that!

I would also like more information/clarification on who was hitting who?

Aside from that - why are you still in contact with these people?

I'm so sorry to hear that it sounds like a really difficult situation! They are horrible people and although they are family nobody needs that in their lives. I hope your husband can come to terms with what's happened and possibly go no contact.

Blackcat86 - I agree re the counselling and will try to encourage this as I am worried about his mental health. Especially after all this!

Cuppycakey - sorry, I shouldn’t have said “came to blows” it was the wrong expression to use. They were screaming at eachother but there was no hitting involved.

OP, no it's not normal behaviour. It's deeply toxic and dysfunctional. Your OH is the scapegoat and his sister is the golden child. There is nothing either you or him can do to change his parents, no amount of reasoning will work, and I would strongly advise you to distance yourself as much as possible. Stop answering phone calls.

Get MNHQ to move this thread to the relationships topic where there are many people who have experience of toxic families and who can help you.

This is crazy.
Your OH will have been major mentally fucked up by them.
It’s going to take some work to undo the damage they have caused him.
You all need to cut these nasty nasty people out of your lives immediately.
And he’ll no don’t have your child anywhere near them.
They don’t exist,they are dead.

I honestly can't believe you have put up with them for aslong as you have. I've been with my OH for the same amount of time as you have and I thank the Lord every day for the in-laws I have! I read stories like this and i genuinely wouldnt have the patience. It's very sad for you OH but it's only natural for him to put you and your son first, you're now his immediate family. Why they see it as some sort of competition is ridiculous. If they don't want anything to do with their son then it's their loss. They will need him before he needs them. Support your OH and keep your son away from that toxic environment. As for the sister.....people that attention seeking and needy will never be happy.

You need to go NC. At the very very least you need to keep your dc away from these nut jobs

I'd have given up with them a long time ago! You're a saint for even trying but I would stop now, they're hot and cold behaviour will leave your DC as confused as your DP.

And your DP was right, they sound like terrible parents!

I stopped reading at the point where you said your OH had bought flowers and a card for his mum for Mother's Day. Why?? No seriously, WHY?? She's insane and abusive! You should both have stopped interacting with her years ago. Cut ties now while your son is still small enough not to be screwed up by this mad family... And it sounds like your OH could do with some counselling to deal with whatever guilt he has that makes him buy flowers for this appalling woman!

My goodness me! All three of them sound utterly poisonous and I'd personally go NC with them all and encourage your partner to do the same.

As for the loan which "FIL" made to your partner. How large was it and has he been able to pay anything towards it so far? Can the two of you sit-down and have an honest conversation about a) the way forward with his family and b). Finances. See if he can get the loan refinanced elsewhere so you can both wash your hands of them.

In future there needs to be transparency and honesty between the two of you as your OH has thrown you under the bus a bit, lying about the loan you knew nothing about and which you are being held accountable for.

You both need to be on the same page and have each other's backs with regard to his family. Stay strong as a couple as you will need each other. Good luck OP.

I'd say you're all better off without them and the sister too - nasty people!

Definitely keep your DS away from these people. Sounds like there is a lot of ingrained behaviour you are going to have to be very wary of also - like keeping secrets from you. You are going to have to be very wary of repeated patterns. None of this behaviour is normal or healthy!!!

Just tell them whatever we do is wrong so what does it matter what you say...let them know it won’t bother you

If they want to have drama let them

Very strange for parents to think they should come before the wife and child of their son. They sound quite unreasonable and childish.

You are all better off without them but it will be terrible for your son to have to cut contact with them. He will feel very rejected and should seek counseling.

I’m usually jealous of people that live near their parents and in-laws but if I were you I’ve move to the other side of the country!

Good God.
Go no contact. Get dh counselling. Accept that your sil is also a product of your in laws dysfunction, just a different version of it.
Protect your son.
Remember you can't reason with the unreasonable.

I can’t thank you all enough for your comments and support. It has made me feel a lot better and I will make sure I am a lot stronger with them going forward.

We have had a discussion about the money and he assures me there is no other secrets. He just didn’t want to tell me cause he was embarrassed and knew I would be cross, which I would have been but not as much as I am finding out this way! Its done now and we will get past it. We will be giving the money back immediately.

To put the cherry on top of a stressful week, my darling boy was up with some sort of sickness bug all last night!

OP

Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward is a helpful book.

it sounds like you will both be better off with them out fo your lives, although its going to take a lot of time and self reflection to work out that you/he are worth more than the shit they are giving him, i assume the sister is the golden child and hes the scape goat, never can do a thing right, always take anyone elses side over his?
maybe pop on over to relationships and have a read of the long running thread "but we took you to stately homes"
there are a lot of linked resources that reading might just give you both some insight to their behavior and help you both to understand its not him it is them and no matter how hard he tries he will never be enough to them... but it is not him! IT IS THEM!
and once you understand that you can let them go without guilt, and start to rebuild your lives in a healthy way

They have done you both a favour by cutting you off. I would not engage with them at all, op. Offer support to your OH and help him look into counselling. He must have had a pretty difficult upbringing.