Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!

[FFSOMG]

I have a wonderful caring, hard working 100% supportive husband. Sweet well behaved children. A large detached property which we own in the country. I don’t need to work but, until my suicide attempt, did work very hard (probably definitely too hard) in an area I am passionate about. After my suicide attempt I was admitted to hospital and underwent 10 ECT treatments. I’m now on home leave. I’ve taken a sleeping tablet but taking my life is on my mind.
My kids were asking about how I got my self harm scars tonight, and I wasn’t able to blithely mumble something out that usually satisfies them, they were pretty insistent and I just didn’t know how to say that I hurt myself when I was poorly (they know I have an illness called bipolar).

Argh.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this right now. Please reach out to someone tonight OP.

Hi OP could you talk to someone in RL as you sound very upset.

Hello OP, we are all really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we do usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. Which might be of help.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We hope things look a lot brighter for you soon and do speak to real life medical professionals to access support.

I’m with my husband, I’ve taken zopiclone so will be asleep soon. I’m ok. Last night I had to sleep on a bare bed with no pillows and no clothes in my room as the hospital stripped my room due to ligature risk, but I’ve been allowed on leave for the weekend as long as DH is with me.

Just wish I could fix myself.

OP

That's good your husband is there OP. Hope you have a peaceful night's sleep and things seem a bit better tomorrow

The thing is, you're still here. You've posted, you're being so brave, and you obviously want to get well and care for your family, so, although you're having these awful thoughts, you're not going to "give in", you are being strong!
Just hang on in there minute by minute, and get through.
Your family love you (even if you don't) and you can do it.
You may never be "cured" as such, but that doesn't mean you can't keep going, and who knows, one day that "little switch in the brain" just might flip and let you be ok.
Wishing you luck and sleep and long life lovely.
You can do it!

I’m so sorry to hear this.
Please hang on in there. Your husband and children would be devastated if you take your own life.
I really don’t know what to suggest, just to keep on getting through every minute and speaking out about your feelings.
I don’t know much about bipolar but I did wonder if you have any unresolved grief or anger issues that you keep swallowing down. This can all lead to depression.

What does life look like when you have an upswing?

Have you tried writing a journal each day.

I found this very therapeutic when going through the marriage breakdown from hell when I was being gaslighted. It does help you to gain insights about your thoughts and feelings.

Maybe this is something you could try.

I only once had a suicidal thought in my head when I was so low and depressed that if I had a gun in my drawer I might’ve used it.
I look at my lovely children and grandchildren and think you wouldn’t have been here if that happened.

Please, please keep reaching out to people. Also do you eat well? Good nutritious food . Good quality supplements that make up for what our denatured food lacks.
I’ve just had a sunshine holiday and feel so much better for it but take vit d3 with k2 every day when I’m not on holiday.

Thinking of you.

Hope you are feeling better OP. Keep on hanging in there lovely, you can do it.

Thank you lovely mumsnetters I’m back in hospital now for the week.

@FFSOMG - I've been where you are - severe depression, multiple rounds of ECT, sectioned to a mental health unit, on 1:1 for ligature risk etc etc.

I can promise you now - things CAN AND DO get better in time. You just need to take time out to rest and take stock.

One excellent resource on top of the ones the mods have provided on their link is Suicide Prevention UK on Facebook - they offer a 1:1 free messaging service.

Don't give up. You can do this. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat x

Thank you squiff, that means a lot x

Hopefully you'll be feeling better soon FFSOMG.
It's hard, but you can do it, I know! I am cheering you on!

Sometimes we all feel rubbish and there is no quick fix. Sorry to hear you're in hospital OP and wishing you a speedy recovery and long term positive mental health. Hope you have good support to hand too 🌷

Tryo take one day at a time

@FFSOMG, how are you feeling?

Had a bad week, had all my clothes and bedding removed again. But have a discharge planning meeting tomorrow morning with my husband. I don’t think they know what to do with me anymore and are just giving up.

Thank you everyone, your support means a lot x

@FFSOMG - just out of interet, have they given you any kind of diagnosis (it's fine if you don't want to say) or medication?

Sorry to hear you're having such a shitty week. Take it ten minutes at a time.

My diagnosis is mixed bipolar. I’m on lithium (increased last week), venlafaxine (increased yesterday), chlorpromazine and gabapentin.

@FFSOMG that sounds extremely tough. Keep us updated with how you are when you can please. Things won't be this bad forever. Keep fighting