different treatment between children

[SchoolOfLife2]

Hi,

So I have grown up as a golden child by one parent, neglected by the other, even though privilaged in some ways but damaging in many other ways. I have always detested it, always tried to bring my siblings to the attention of the parent who is favoring me.

My DH, same thing, golden child by the alpha parent and resented as a result by the other parent. Siblings now toxically compete with him but I blame the parents. It took him longer than me to realise the route of it all. He didnt hate it as much as me growing up and in fact he enjoyed it. Only now is he starting to see why its toxic as I bring things to his attention. Before that he just assumed its 'deserved'.

Today we had that discussion, Im pregnant with a second child and the comparison started already with how the first would b favorite and love for him deeper. So I realised we need to nip things in the bud and I need to prove how this is toxic parenting for DH. He agreed to discuss it as he says he feels its just natural to love a child more than the other if theyre more special.

Can you help me idenifying how to tackle this?

Bump

That is not an acceptable way to approach parenting. Children should be treated equally, regardless of whether he thinks he'll love one more than the other. He might change his mind once he meets your second child. You'll have to explain to him that you won't accept one child being favoured over another.

I'm quite shocked he could think this is ok. children should all be cherished and treated fairly (not necessarily always equally e.g. you don't have to buy both kids new shoes at the same time just when they need them but they should get treats equally) you should never openly favour one child over another. if you are secretly favour one child then this should be a red flag that there a problem you need to address. its incredibly damaging and very sad. your dh needs to give his head a wobble.

Yes I agree with everything pp have said. In fact, im glad that im not the only one horrified by this. For me it is a natural thing that I too am overwhelmed by the worry that this doesnt come naturally to DH. For a long time it caused me anxiety but now that im pregnant with a second child i feel empowered to have this conversation.

Knowing his background, he had an incredibly toxic childhood. He doesnt realise this until i bring it to his attention. His mother has mental issues and this completely defined her paarenting style because she received notherapy and was the one calling all the shots inthe marriage.

So i think he is willing to be open and examine things from my perspecitive. Today i managed to explain why competition isnt always healthy, and love isnt the right way to reward a child as it needs to be unconditional.

please just help mein how to approach this scientifically and factually

Yes, I suggested to him to speak to his siblings. unfortuntely his siblings arent at the stage where they want to see him having a good life yet so im worried they might use it against him. tehyre still attched to their mum.

need different avenuees

He agreed to take cognitive behavioural therapy hope that helps.

I dont see it as his fault wether itcomes naturally or not. Parents can really crew their kids up and he is being open and honest about it and about wanting to know whats right for his kids. If he was insisting that it his way or the highway then thats different. Right?

• Parents can really screw up their kids

That’s really worrying and I’m a bit shocked. Must of been awful for your siblings !

Well yh must’ve been but I also always carried the guilt and never enjoyed it. So believe me it was awedul for me too. Especially now as an adult when I’m the outcast.

I’m not sure who is the winner in this equation. Treating kids differently is so awweful.

Was hoping someone can recommend good books or articles to read with DH

Actually I have always grown up feeling ashamed of standing out. Lowering myself so my brother doesn’t feel bad. Giving up opportunities to him so he can also be acknowledged.

I still feel that was the right thing to do. Not sure what made me like this as s child.. I guess as a girl I grew up seeing mum as a compassionate giving person and it didn’t sit well with me that my brother should be made to feel crap about himself.

However, as we grew up, my brother never reciprocated the love and in fact let me down and loved watching me suffer... I can’t blame him but it hurts to be the only person giving.

So while being a golden child gave me such high self esteem and confidence, it did isolate me as an adult.

I’m glad you’ll be having these conversations, OP. Education from you is your DH’s best hope. It’s great that he’s learning from it.

Tbf though, I can remember wondering while pregnant how I would feel about DC2, when DC1 was of course such a perfect child - so that aspect of this is entirely normal IMO. (We went on to have 2 more & none of them is a golden child.)

@AttilaTheMeerkat is excellent on toxic parents - I hope she’ll be able to give you advice

" he says he feels its just natural to love a child more than the other if theyre more special"

I would ask him what exactly he means by "more special".

One pattern I've seen in 'golden child families' is that the parent often favours the child who reminds them most of themselves - whether due to looks or shared interests. Does this fit with your DH and DS?

I only have one, but I've heard a lot of people say that they can't imagine loving their second child like they love their first. But then they do. Is that maybe just where he is at? He probably won't feel like that when your second arrives. Maybe just reassure him that's a common feeling and re-address it if you feel you need to in the future.