When did you know a friendship was over....

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

...and how did it end? Fading away or formally finished?

I am in a situation where I have one friend who I truly believe is having a shit time in her relationship but I haven’t seen her in 10 months and we live one hour from each other and worked 10 mins apart.

After 11 cancellations and no shows she claims that she’s in a bad place (I believe her and I am sympathetic, I am) and wants to stay pals but my wits are at an end now and I can’t keep making time for her for it to be pissed on.

The other friend is in a similar situation, also live > 1 hour away but has a very lovely sorted life with her NCT mummy’s and I don’t feel my face did anymore. She cancelled on me twice, the date has never been rebooked and if I’m honest I don’t care.

The clincher is I am away to move to the other end of the UK. Friend #1 I’m unlikely to see again but that’s because we are literally 4 weeks away from packing our life up and weekends are now all booked. I also think, “well, you had your chance...”

Friend #2 I don’t want to tell as I’m not fussed about seeing her again but she’s acted like a scalded cat before about my not contacting her about “big things” and it totally floored me. It was like she cared, but not enough to actually make time to see me it even have a trip to the park with the kids all together?!

Anyway, I’m rambling but if you were moving away in 4 weeks how would you manage the end of the friendships; one where the friend is unreachable but obvs having a bad time

typo above should say “I don’t think my face fits”

For me we started to see each other less and then texted/phoned less until neither of us made any contact.

Then I was blocked off WhatsApp etc so I'd imagine she was feeling some sort of hurt by it but had made no contact with me either 🙄 received a text message not long after that followed by a whoops wrong person. I doubt it.

So it started gradual and ended awkwardly. Would you like to see either of them again? If not, then don't make contact as more cancelled dates will annoy you.

Moving is stressful and exciting so don't worry about people that haven't bothered with you! Good luck with your move 😌

I think I'd send both (separately) a text saying you're moving away / got new job, leaving on X date - would live to catch up before you go, you're busy packing etc but will take a break whenever suits them (or as flexible as you can be), let you know if they're free sometime. Then the onus is on them.

I've had similar and come to realise some friendships ebb & flow, some are intense but not long-lasting, others low maintenance etc. It's good if you've got a decent mix.

I've got one long-standing friend whose company I really enjoy, but I barely see once a year - she said we'd definitely meet up st Christmas as she had 2 weeks off work so she'd let me know when she was free .... it's now April and I'm assuming the 2 weeks holiday has been and gone 🤔 I'll enjoy meeting up as & when it happens - but I've adjusted my expectations as to how often.

If I were you

Friend 1 - I would say I am always here for you when you have things sorted and are able to catch up, or if you need my help. Then let her arrange any meet ups. I would text and check in occasionally.

Friend 2 - ditch her. Just dont contact her if she has chosen to drop you. However when I had dc1 I assumed child free friends would have better things to do than soft play etc. So if you dont have a young child could this be the reason? (I was wrong because now my children are a bit older i still want to see my friends with young kids and understand it has to be toddler friendly)

I'd probably email the first friend explaining about the move but being friendly and saying you're still there for her etc. The second one I'd probably just send one of those 'we've moved' notes with the new address, she probably won't bother to keeping touch anyway.

I dropped a friend last year, who had been a colleague. We'd both worked at a place about a hour's commute away and were the only colleagues who lived in our small town. We got on really well at work, supported each other and I thought we were quite close.

Over the years we made countless plans to meet up outside work, 90% of which she'd cancel at the last minute. One particular time we were going to attend an evening event, she cancelled in the morning, changed her mind in the afternoon then cancelled again in the evening just before the event. It was ridiculous.

Last year she got married. I went to the hen do and didn't hear from her afterwards until the wedding date. We were invited to the evening do. A close family member (our babysitter for the eve) was rushed into hospital that evening with heart problems so we couldn't go and messaged her an apology. I dropped off her present a few days later and spoke to her new husband who was lovely and very kind about my emergency. He invited me and dh round for coffee sometime and told me friend would message me.

I heard nothing from her. 3 weeks later she messaged me saying she'd thought she had replied and how was my sick family member. I was pretty shocked it had taken her so long to ask after them. I gave a brief reply and decided to initiate contact no more. I haven't heard from her since and its a relief tbh. One sided friendships are not friendships.

Thanks for the replies; agreed that friend #2 can de facto fuck off. We do get on well and we have 10 years+ history but I feel quite cast out by her. Ok, if I do get a “screaming harpy” response to the “we have moved” then nerrrr snerrrrr to her. I’m really not that bothered plus I’ll be MILES away.

This is naff but I truly “feel” for friend #1. We have a great rappor and 10 years+ as well but I just feel I’ve spent all my caring tokens. I miss her but so many cancellations and fuck snouts means I’d honestly rather move and not meet before so that I can grieve the friendship fondly rather than give her a “last chance” and feel like killing her when (if but on evidence when) she’d not be able to make it.

Feels punitive but I’ve got to think of my own feelings at some point in the equation and weigh friend #1 I care but I’ve nothing left to give now.

When I realised that each time we met up she always managed to make me feel worse about myself. It took me a long time to realise that she didn't like me anymore, if she ever did?

For me it was when I realised I wanted to escape her company after 5 minutes together. She was always quite tight fisted and self centred also but I persevered, in the end it was more hassle than it was worth, meeting up.

For me, it was a sort of straw that broke the camel’s back moment.

It’s a long story, but essentially I was part of a group of four who had been friends for many years. One of the group had twins and asked the other two to be god parents a didn’t tell me. She tried to dissuade me from coming to the christening and suggested I should just come to the party afterwards. I didn’t know what was going on, and turned up to the christening, where i had to fight back my tears during the service and fend of many questions along the lines of “mermaid! Why on earth were you not god parent? I thought you and X were really close”. It was horrible.

Clearly there is a lot more to this than I have recounted, but this is the bare bones. I really identify with what you say about friendship 2. I am certain that, like you, my face didn’t fit anymore.

I would just let that one drift. You sounds like a really nice person and very perceptive and kind. It’s her loss! Good luck

When I moved the friendship plummeted. Her dc ft school, I had a toddler yet she refused to drive to me. Even after an emcs my dh collected +dropped her home!! 45 mins max driving. Our meet ups in her town were dictated by her exh's plans for the day!! If he needed something for the dc she had to be in . He had a key - and used it but still demanded she hand over the items!!
Got sick of a 3 way friendship so I ghosted her I am not ashamed to say.
8 years of friendship gone.
No regrets.
Imo friendships should be on the whole a balanced thing.

When she asked me if I could be a guarantor for a £10k loan with 49% apr. When i asked her what it was for she was really cagey saying she needed a microwave, a washing machine and to pay council tax. When I refused she got really funny about it. She has also disowned her mother because her mother also refused to be her guarantor. We don't have much to do with each other these days. I maybe she her once or twice a year but whenever I do she always tries to borrow money.

When I saw your question in the subject line two friends came to mind.

One was a girl who I met at collage, stayed friends after and then became colleagues as we ended up working at the same place.

At the time I thought we had a good friendship but as time went on and now on reflection the friendship was toxic. She basically wanted me at her beck and call and resented me having other things going on.

When I made plans with other friends she would says bitchy things about them and when I got a boyfriend she would take the piss out of him. Just things that would make me feel bad and make me question myself. Once we stopped working together we drifted apart naturally. She did try and arrange meeting up for coffee after we bumped in to each other but I never followed it up then when I got a new phone I didn't let her know my number.

Number two was a girl who I worked with. We hit it off and became good friends but eventually she became very needy. Wanting to meet up all the time and if I said no she would get in a mood. I stupidly asked her to be my bridesmaid but she would drag her feet responding to my texts making arrangements bridal fairs etc and then get in a mood if I chased her up. I basically told her to f* off and we haven't spoken since (10 years). On reflection my reaction wasn't as constructive as it could've been but I was so upset that she didn't seem to think my wedding was important.

Friendships take alot of effort that I don't have the energy for so by choice I have no friends. Just me and DH. The DH by the way is the guy friend number one took the piss out of and said it wouldn't last. Now been together 17 years

You make an interesting point @MrsKipling1980

One of the things I fear is ending up with no friends; I love my DH dearly but for me he isn’t enough; I need the emotional closeness of female friendship and always have (maybe because my mum died ages ago).

Since having baby #1 some friendships have fallen, now I’m pg with baby #3 it’s game over. I just don’t have the time or energy or mental bandwidth anymore.

Where we are moving to is my home city and I desperately hope to reconnect with chums who have had families of their own in the 15 years to try and find a way to join the reality of being a parent and working with actually fostering friendships.

I miss the closeness I had with my friends here before I had my children and it hurts that it’s slid so far. So I hope for a positive new beginning back “home” with mates old and new.

Without mates I completely wilt. It’s not weird to need a proper natter and a laugh (and someone to talk about Line of Duty to) but it’s all gone for me with those two friends in a way I never guessed it would and it’s sad.

God this is therapeutic

For me, it was a sort of straw that broke the camel’s back moment.

I have a similar story to mermaid though a wedding not a christening.
Friend used to blow hot and cold with me, one moment telling me what a great friend I was and the next being really standoffish and moody.

Then another woman joined up with us and we became a group of three. I was essentially wendied by 2nd woman over a period of time.

But the straw that broke the camel;s back was Friend was getting married and told me that the ceremony was for family only and I could join the wedding group in the pub after. However when I arrived at the pub I discovered that she had invited all her other friends to the ceremony and so I spent the first hour or so either being asked why I hadn't come to the ceremony or being asked if I had enjoyed the ceremony, wasn't it wonderful blah, blah, blah.

I also spent the evening fighting back tears and knocking back the prosecco and ultimately could not forgive and forget such unkindness.

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut I'm sad to say I have very few friends these days. I wasn't happy where I grew up and left those childhood friends behind when I left home for uni. I moved around over the years for work, and friends were always colleagues from work.

Since giving up work to raise our son, I've found it tough going. I've always been really sociable, but found it hard to find mums who I connect with. Most seem to rely on their childhood network which neither DH or I have round here. I've made a couple of friends but feel very isolated. DH is not very sociable, and neither are his parents (who have made not one local friend despite living here for 15 years. That's a choice btw , they seem deeply suspicious of people and rarely go out at all).

We also have a rescue dog who goes nuts at visitors so we don't invite people round as it's not pleasant for anyone. Money is also tight so we don't go out much.

It's not good for my mental health, I need friends in my life too, just like you say. I've started my own business working from home which doesn't help me to get out either, and baby no. 2 is on the way...

Therapeutic is right! I'm a friendly person who needs friends but for the life of me I've never before found it so hard to make them! I feel like I'm turning into a depressive hermit.

she claims that she’s in a bad place (I believe her and I am sympathetic, I am) and wants to stay pals

I can be exactly like this. For me it means: I really like you and truely want to stay friends but I'm so distracted by my own problems that what I need is to be alone (or away from friends) for a while. Can we just not be in contact till I'm in a better place and then catch up again please? Don't want to lose you, but really can't deal with people right now. Please understand and help me by giving me some space.

An old uni friend from 20+ years ago (we were great friends at uni, but fell out - sort of my fault, although she completely cut me off when I was at my lowest and took our 2 other friends with her, which I've never quite forgotten of got over, esp as one of them was my best friend). Got in touch several years later - over 10 years ago now - when we lived nearer each other and I thought it was the rejuvenation of our life-long friendship. Sadly, I was wrong.

So to answer your question, I suppose I knew it wasn't looking great when her replies to me on Facebook started dwindling a couple of years ago and she ignored my suggestions of meeting up (I'd moved several hours away by then tbf, but I'd always have made an effort). But then sometimes she'd comment on a photo so I could never be sure and like a twat I always responded (& hoped we'd be able to rekindle things properly at some point... but it was just nice to have her in my life, however distant). Anyway, one day she just deactivated her Facebook and I haven't heard from her since. This was a few months ago and I still keep hoping she'll turn up again.

I feel you @Littleandoften

I may end up having to work for myself after this baby is a few months old as my skills won’t be as in demand where I’m moving to as they are where I am now.

Hopefully I’ll get a PT role in an actual office with actual other humans as my brain would snap without the (questionable) human interaction I get in my present role (which I have to give up).

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut - I totally get where you're coming from and at times I feel sad that I have gone from at one time a very sociable person with lots of friends to someone who lacks the energy to maintain friendships.

I think over the years I've just got beaten down by people that I question everyone and if they are worth the effort.

I've had friends who have used me, taken advantage and made me feel bad about myself so now I'm skeptical of investing my time and energy just incase I'm let down.

I'm a kind and thoughtful person who will do stuff for people but then find they aren't quick to reciprocate when it's the other way round which ends up making me feel like shit.

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut and @MrsKipling1980 please move here and be my friends

@LittleAndOften - Thankyou for the friend request ... made me smile

@littleandoften

A few of my friendships ended when I woke up to the fact that I was always being the one to make an effort, and in one case I was outright being used.

After that I had a few years when I had no friends at all, which was lonely. Then one 'friend' who I met through a newspaper ad (many years ago ). She wasn't a proper friend, but was someone to go out for a drink with/go on holiday with. That friendship ended when she started to be a real bitch to me.

Now though I have two 'best' friends (one of whom is half my age) and a good solid wider group of friends. I cherish them all dearly because I know how it is to be lonely.

Someone wise (one of my best friends actually) said to me that people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. I realised how true that was and it made me relax about friendships, instead of wondering why they ended/if I'd done something wrong etc.

@MrsKipling1980 I could have written your last post myself bar the first paragraph.