How does somebody with weak social skills find an employer who's ok with that?

[AndAHappyNewYear]

I've been doing AAT with the hope of having a career but there's such a big emphasis on excellent communication/interpersonal skills in job adverts that I've only applied for two jobs in 18 months. One offered me an interview and I withdrew my application in a panic over the possibility of having to talk about a time when I communicated well.

I've always struggled socially and I had a really bad experience in my first job where people talked about how shit I was behind my back, extensively, for months, making a big list of minor issues, rather than mention them to me. Then, when I left, my boss's boss told me I should get a job where I could sit in a room on my own all day. It badly knocked the little confidence that I had.

My current job in retail, nobody cares that my social skills aren't the best and I'm very nervous about the idea of leaving a job that's fine for the unknown. But I can't imagine stacking shelves in 10, 20, 30+ years time.

I don't properly fit in anywhere and I never have but how do I figure out whether a potential employer is going to be ok with somebody who's on the edge of the team rather than part of it?

It's tricky but I would lie! They don't need to know that's how you feel, fake it till you make it...
Once you get a job you can naturally find your place in the team.

Don't know what type of retail you're in but surely you are given customer scripts? e.g. how to welcome a customer to the store, what to say you can't help them

Write your own for the new job. Write them on paper and practice them at home. e.g. customer asks question about specific accounting thing, how I would respond.

*talk about a time when I communicated well.
This can be as simple as , "a customer came in the store, I greeted them to make them feel at ease/welcome, I made sure I correctly understood what they were needing, then I clearly explained where to locate the item they were looking for, and checked they felt able to go locate it themselves"

What type of job do you want to do? I work in an office and there are people there that I would say are definitely on the ASD spectrum and/or socially awkward. they are great at their job and you just know they like to keep quiet and keep themselves to themselves.

It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. My Ds is 14 and is currently being assessed for ASD. His social skills are really poor, I'm do worried about how he will cope in the future.

He has work experience in a few weeks time, the place he is going to are aware of his difficulties so that's not too bad. It's such a shame though as he is bright and hard working but I can't see him being able to get past the interview stage when looking for work. I think I read somewhere that only 16% of adults with ASD are in employment.

I was going to say if you work in retail, use that as an example of communicating well. You speak to different people in all walks of life working in a shop.

Most places now ask for interpersonal skills and communication skills. One thing I've learned as I got older is that having good communication skills means being able to say the difficult things in a reasonable way rather than the nice things. It doesn't mean being liked and popular. In my current job I spend a lot of time telling people things they don't want to hear. Yes I am polite, but I'm not going to make friends doing it!

Are you able to work on your social skills to improve them?

Hi I have been the same as you I worked nights at a supermarket so i didn't have to talk to anyone for quite a while. I was mute at school so it's taken alot to get me talking to people. I now work in a school since becoming a single mum and not being able to do nights anymore so have to deal with people quite alot. I found that going into interviews thinking "I already have a job so it doesn't really matter if I get this one or not" took alot of the pressure off. I never in a million years thought I would be doing something like this. I know it's not exactly a high flying career but it's taken me completely out of my comfort zone in more ways than one and it can be very hard when you aren't a brilliant communicator. I have also tried to drum into my head that other people aren't better than me and some are probably "faking it" too and I just don't realise as I'm too worried about myself.

AndAHappyNewYear Can I ask how old you are?

I'm very very quiet and shy. I have social anxiety. I loathe interviews and literally hate them but you know what, most people do! For your interview have some examples for them for when you've used communication skills effectively. I'm sure there's something in your current role you can use. Basically just bldg it at the interview stage. They'll know that you're nervous etc just like anyone else. I know it's really really hard. I've turned down loads of interviews myself so know how you feel.

It's not just about verbal communication, it includes written communication too. Today's world of work is email heavy - communicating in writing with people you never or rarely meet. So tone of voice in written communication and clear writing are important. Do you have any examples of that?

Accountancy, like engineering, is one of those jobs that suits people who would perhaps not make a good sales(person). So don't worry - you have made a good choice.

Don't be defined by the past. Communication, in this context, can include written work - for example clearly laid out reports - doesn't have to be verbal.

Don't rule yourself out of things before the interview - that is what interviews are for :)

(I am an FD, btw)

What happened in your first job sounds awful. But it was toxic place to work, and not a slight on you. Like you have said a good company would’ve informed you about little mistakes and offered training and guidance.
Looking for a job can be very demoralising, but it looks like you are putting stuff in place to deal with rejection. There are so many variables that it mostly isn’t personal if you get a rejection.
Can you start doing mock interviews with friends? Volunteer in a setting where you will communicate face to face? Or maybe over the phone. This would give you a experience and confidence.

Hmm, I find that in my office the ones with allegedly good social skills are chatting all day, get involved in unhelpful gossip and are less likely to get their work done.

I think the ideas above about outlining an example from retail are good. Communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about setting expectations, conveying the appropriate level of information (not necessarily verbal) and being available for further questions should they arise. In retail, a glance to show you’ve acknowledged a customer goes a long way in my option.

Also, I find that people’s written communication is often appalling: emails are rude, sloppy and give an unfortunate record to all and sundry if you say the wrong thing.

I have days where I like to spend the whole day on my own (lots of people enjoy working from home) but that gives me the headspace to be focused about what needs to be said rather than a constant stream of chatter. My employer is happy with this as I get my work done!

I think at interview we often focus on what we are not good at, rather than what we are. And panic that the employer will all about the one specific weakness that looms large in our minds.

You say your social skills are not the best, that's not exactly the same as communication and interpersonal skills.

For example you communicated your skill set in writing in your application and convinced the employer to call you for interview!

Communication might be listening, analysing what the other person says and responding to the most important points, it can be explaining something clearly, it could be writing reports with relevant/important information near the top so it's easy to find, it could be persuading/convincing someone to do something they are unsure of, it could be making sure you keep your team/boss updated with the things they need to know without being asked (e.g. telling colleagues when stock is running low, or the till system is acting up, handing over at the end of your shift etc). It sounds like some jobs wouldn't be right for you- an events organiser where you have to mingle with large groups sounds like my idea of hell!- but it's unlikely you are bad at every form of communication.

Similarly with interpersonal skills: are you good at reading people/picking up on body language and knowing when they are anxious/worried/upset without them saying; are you good at de-escalating sensitive situations (e.g. customer complaints), are you caring towards your colleagues and willing to help out when things get busy etc

Brainstorm all the things you do well at your current job then see if you can find a way to link them to communication and interpersonal skills e.g. "my colleagues know they can rely on me to organise the stock quickly and logically. It's important to me that I get this right for my team as I want us all to be able to access what we need and do the best job we can. I always pull my weight"

Talk these examples up, an interview is a place to be a bit over the top!

If the actual interview is causing you lots of anxiety could you practise with a trusted friend or family member first to get your confidence up?

Good luck

I work in finance, there's many people who work with numbers who are really not natural communicators .

I think there's also a much better appreciation in the workplace now of diversity of thought and background, we're not all the same, each of us brings something different to the mix.

One of my kids find social skills problematic. I know this is going to sound a bit obvious but they targeted areas where you didn’t really need them. In fact this wasn’t even purposeful most of the time, most areas they were naturally interested in you don’t really need to be strong in this aspect. There are actually jobs where employers even have a basic expectation that you will have less developed social skills based on the historical profile of people who have been successful in the role. I’m talking about highly specialised technical or analytical roles in the main.

Excellent communication is also about pitching things correctly depending on the audience. To a very busy senior manager, I might make an email concise as they have little time for waffle or time to waste. To recent graduate trainees I would make the email friendly and make sure they knew they could contact me with any queries for example.

Reading your very clear original post, I think perhaps you are overestimating the skills required! you certainly communicate well in writing.

I'm extremely disorganised. in interviews I am quite bold about that and talk about the ways I have developed to combat my base disorganization. you don't have to do that but just a suggestion.

I'd agree 100% about doing practice interviews if you can.

This got more replies than I thought it would. Thanks all :)

I'm in my late 20s. I don't have any friends. I've been very isolated for a very long time, which obviously doesn't help the social stuff but I've read all sorts of books, done evening classes, meetups... I don't have poor social/communication skills through lack of trying and I have got better as I've got older. I think I could do really well in the right place with a bit of understanding and patience but it's finding that job.

I guess my question really is how you figure out how important social/communication skills are to an employer when no employer is ever going to say 'we're asking for strong communication skills because everybody does but awkwardly polite and helpful is fine'.

Accountancy, like engineering, is one of those jobs that suits people who would perhaps not make a good sales(person). So don't worry - you have made a good choice.

Are there particular roles/areas that you'd suggest as a good match? I assume industry is better than practice since a lot of practice job adverts mention building a rapport with clients and stuff like that?

Bear in mind that the skills you demonstrate when you're doing a job can be very different from your interaction style when you're off duty. You have probably built up a rapport with customers when working in retail, i.e. you've smiled, said hello, had a little chat with them if they want and then said goodbye. That all counts. And it's much easier to build that rapport as a background to doing their figures for them than it is working a room pretending to enjoy the party. Don't undervalue yourself.

@andahappynew year - I work in 'industry', which in my case does mean a factory with forklifts and stuff - but in the context of accountancy would include all settings other than an accountancy firm.

The advantages are that you are in one place each day - with (typically) your own desk and things about you - and also the chance to build relationships with the same colleagues over time.

I can see how in an accountancy practice they may emphasise the social skills a bit more - but to be honest I have had fairly shy individuals visit me over the years as part of the audit teams and it has not been an issue.

My DH works at a major American bank. There is absolutely no talking allowed between the team all day as they work on their computers. All communication between them is online even though they all sit in the same office. You can leave at lunch time or go to office canteen.
So there are jobs in finance where being a talker is a disadvantage.
If you are presently studying could you get onto a grads course?
I think all jobs say that communication thing as standard but it's less important in some careers. Also if you work in retail you have loads of examples of good communication and they will presume you are well able to communicate. Don't let that stop you.

Funnily enough, AAT have just shared an image on Facebook saying that 1 in 5 employers think interpersonal skills are the most important thing when hiring.

I've seen a level 4 apprenticeship that I'm going to apply for. I've been in retail for nearly seven years after taking a temporary contract for just a few months while I figured out what I wanted to do. If I don't take a risk, I'll still be in the same place in 37 years. Worst case scenario, I get another job and it all goes horribly wrong, I'll just get another job in retail. There's plenty around.

Good luck with the job.

Remember interpersonal skills does not mean life and soul of the party. It means you can communicate effectively.

A lot of the people I know who struggle socially / with communication seem to work in finance or something computery like software development / web development. Have you thought about something like that? I know you can do online distance learning for development roles too.

I think sometimes in interviews you think you have to have an extra special example of something. I'm the same, and then struggle to think of something for every question.

I sort of follow the star technique, so situation, task, action, result.

Communication can be anything, I'm much better at written than verbal, as I speak fast and don't seem to be able to think on my feet as fast as the conversations going.

As others have said, if they ask for an example of communication, it doesn't have to be verbal. I often talk about how I adapt my communication to who I'm speaking to and then hypothesise what different people I might speak to in the role I'm applying for.

For example, my current role I arrange recoveries, so I have to adapt to speaking to worried customers, "rough" speaking recovery operators and then insurers. How I adapt the terms I use etc.
I then might go on to say I expect that in an accounting role, I'd have to adapt how I spoke to my colleagues versus a sales manager who "may" not understand all those accounting terms.

I'm sure you'll have examples about how you've spoken with the delivery driver versus a customer or even different customers.