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Original poster

Meeting a friend I haven’t seen in a year and I’ve gained weight

21 replies

tornintwohalfs · 04/04/2019 16:00

I’m mortified and I’m so worried she’ll be silently judging me . We are both HCPs and I know she will understand the reasons why , but I weigh 22 stone , am a size 22-26 ish (depending what I’m wearing) and I’m so embarrassed . Last time I saw her I was 6 stone lighter . Weight has soared following a severe depression (suicidal) and physical illness .

Literally just going for a drive and coffee but haven’t seen her in a whole year . My self esteem hasn’t been so low in a very long time and I can’t understand why she’d even want to see me - she’s driving a 100 mile round trip just to meet up which seems crazy .

I’ve bought myself a nice new outfit in the desperate Hope I won’t look too dreadful but I’m understandably worried . I think maybe I should see this as the motivation to look after myself but instaed I’m just using it as a tool to further beat myself up with .

OP posts:

shakeapoo · 04/04/2019 16:09

If she's coming that far to see you I'm guessing she's a pretty good friend? I'd be honest if you feel comfortable. No one should be judged for gaining weight for any reason but following severe depression it's completely understandable.

SwimmingKaren · 04/04/2019 16:14

If she’s travelling that far to see you then she obviously cares about you. She might notice the weight gain if it’s quite sudden but like you said, she knows the reasons and you could mention something beforehand so she isn’t surprised but I doubt she will care about it in the way you are thinking, I definitely wouldn’t if you were my friend. You’re being too hard on yourself.

Alwaysgrey · 04/04/2019 16:15

I’ve gained a lot of weight and it makes me feel very low. But it sounds like she’s a good friend to be travelling so far to see you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2019 16:16

My love for friends bears no relation to how much they weigh.

Try to talk to yourself more kindly.

haverhill · 04/04/2019 16:17

A friend of mine gained lots of weight in a short period, as did one of my siblings. My only concern was whether they were happy and well. Why not broach the subject with your friend? She must care about you to come so far.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 04/04/2019 16:18

I couldn’t care a jot what my friends weigh.

Hope you have a lovely time with her!

pasturesgreen · 04/04/2019 16:18

This is probably going to sound a bit trite, but I'd she's going to judge you based on weight you put on, she really is no friend.

ems137 · 04/04/2019 16:18

I've met up with friends after not having seen them for a long time and sometimes they've gained weight or lost weight. Because they're my true friends I can't say that I ever think any more about it other than "they've gained or lost some weight". Just exactly the same type of thought I'd have if they'd have gone from blonde to brown or long to short hair.

Your friend obviously cares about you and wants to spend time with you. It sounds like you've had a rough time too and would enjoy it once you get over the initial nerves.

Helpel · 04/04/2019 16:24

Agree with PPs that she shouldn't judge you at all. She will obviously notice though, so to take pressure off that 'moment' when you first meet, can you message her in advance and express how you feel?

HeyJude81 · 04/04/2019 16:26

I think if she’s travelling that far to see you then it’s because she’s a good friend. Good friends don’t judge. Your weight isn’t who YOU are. Like you said, perhaps you could use this as motivation to lose some weight-for you, not for anyone else’s approval. I understand how you feel though, completely. After my DC3 I put on a lot of weight and was petrified of bumping in to old friends in case they judged me...but now I’ve lost weight and feel confident in myself and much happier.
I hope you enjoy the time with your friend x

Bluntness100 · 04/04/2019 16:32

She's not going to care what you look like, that's not why people are friends. She will only be concerned about if you're happy and healthy, and if not how she can support.

However I do understand your discomfort, but remember that discomfort is about what's going on in your head, not hers.

Be kind to yourself.

RedForShort · 04/04/2019 16:34

Does she know you have had an incredibly tough year?

I met a relative who'd had an awful year and she'd put on a lot of weight. I felt far more concern about her unhappiness than weight or what she looked like.

Original poster

tornintwohalfs · 04/04/2019 16:40

She knows yes , I emailed her a while back explaining . My self esteem has just plummeted completely and I don’t know how to get it back up . Series of problems one after the other that has left me feeling a bit useless . I think she will understand ... and yes if she’s willing to drive that much I think she does care a lot . I’m just struggling to understand why a bit .

I had already booked to get my hair done a the week before , so maybe that will help too - I’ve got a month before I see her.

OP posts:

Original poster

tornintwohalfs · 04/04/2019 16:40

Thank you

OP posts:

Palominoo · 04/04/2019 16:45

Your weight gain is a symptom of an illness just the same as if your hair fell out or you had skin problems.

For all you know she had put on weight!

A good friend is there to support you.

Original poster

tornintwohalfs · 04/04/2019 22:48

Thank you so much (all) , I think I needed to hear that - family have been very much ‘lazy and not trying hard enough’ , ‘can you not just decide that you want to feel happy and get on with it?’ etc etc .

Hopefully seeing friend will help , be the first semi normal thing I’ve done since becoming unwell . Be good to see her .

OP posts:

EnidButton · 05/04/2019 01:02

She obviously really likes you. No-one would travel a long way to see someone they're not that bothered about. She wants to be in your company because of you as a person not what you look like.

She'll notice probably but then that's it. No judging. I don't notice what anyone looks like beyond the first minute of meeting up with them. You're too busy chatting and enjoying each other's company.

Please don't worry. Your family sound a bit thick tbh. Life doesn't work like that.

MsWoolf · 05/04/2019 01:06

I have so been there. So many times I've nearly cancelled on things like this but honestly, it's always been great when I end up going. You are so so much more than your weight, always.

Original poster

tornintwohalfs · 06/04/2019 00:02

I think she does , well I hope she does . I haven’t been able to talk to anyone else very much about things of late so will help just to have a laugh and relax for a few hours or so ! Definitely won’t cancel on her .

OP posts:

Original poster

tornintwohalfs · 06/04/2019 00:02

Well - if I can help it I mean (cancelling)!

OP posts:

YouMaySayImADreamer · 06/04/2019 06:38

Totally as others have said, it will be no more than a passing thought for her when she sees you. No true friend would care or judge and she will probably just want to be there for you.

I've had friends and been the friend who have gained and lost weight between meet ups - one who like you had gained a lot in similar circumstances despite always having been very slim. My main feeling was guilt that we hadn't been in touch enough for me to know what she was going through.

Have you told your friend that you've gained a lot of weight? It might just take some of the pressure and anxiety off yourself to message her before hand and mention it. I find that sometimes it helps just to come out and say/acknowledge what you're worried others may be thinking.

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