Help me help my DD be stronger and resilient.

[Joebloggswazere]

She is 10, nearly 11. Nearly every day she comes home from school upset over something. The thing is, the somethings are so little to me but obviously big to her, What I want to say is get over it or stop being so sensitive. Obviously I don’t but I’m at a loss as to what to say that will help her.

The issues yesterday were 1) Emily kept pulling my hood down, 2) Emily was copying my work, 3) Joe was moving my pencil case. She came home from school in such a mood and these are the reasons why.

Also she’s very frustrated at a girl who she says always lies (big obvious lies like her sister is famous, and she has travelled the world) the girl in question is a lovely girl and they can be very friendly, it’s just my DD can’t get over the lies she tells. I’ve told her just to ignore them but she’s so black and white (lies are wrong) that she can’t get past it and be friends with her.

I am really laid back and not much gets to me so I find it hard to understand and help her as she is so highly strung. She is going to comp this year and I’m so worried she’ll end up either friendless or an emotional wreck. Please give me some things to say to her as I’m at a loss.

Little bump...

Honestly I would just tell her to get over it. It’s not important. I know it bothers you but you need to just forget about it, it’s not important.

Sometimes kids do get fixated, and personally I do feel that at nearly secondary age they need to understand when it’s worth getting annoyed and when it’s not. Pussy footing around it won’t encourage resilience.

I just don’t want to scar her for life!

I didn’t want her on mumsnet in 10 years time telling people what a bitch her mother was I am so anxious of saying the wrong thing and going about things the wrong way. It’s a mine field out there.

My 8 year old is like that, and I understand exactly how you feel. I don't want to belittle her feelings, but I do want to teach her that she's overthinking things a lot. It's tough to find a balance!

How did she respond at the time to these incidents? Does she stand up for herself at all ("stop doing that, Emily, it's annoying")?

Well, tbf, if all that happened to me at work I'd be seriously pissed off . Sounds a bit like the straws that break the camel's back.

Does she normally get on with Emily? The hood pulling and copying sounds annoying and it might have been easier to brush off if it wasn't the same person doing both.

Tell her people are sometimes dicks and you have to work around them in school and well as work?

Don't tell her to get over it. Look up HSP children and how to respond to them. Also, you could have a sit down talk with her and explain what resilience is and how she can do it. Maybe you can tell her you want her to be happy and it makes you sad to see her so upset, in an understanding way. Maybe talk about the idea that she can flip a switch in her mind and choose to be happy and ignore them. 're the lies of the friend you could explain that some people make up lies because they are unhappy with their lives and want to pretend instead. You could practice assertiveness skills with her in role play. You could catch her being resilient and praise her on it.

I have a DD same age, and similar. She festers on things. I pick my battles - best friend upset her, I'll talk it through, but random kid moved her pencil case then I encourage her to get over it.
It's hard though, by nature I'm much more a 'get over it' person so it took me a while to understand that these things really bothered her.
Best thing we do is put it on a scale - so how does it feature on a scale of 1 to 10. As she's got older she's got better at doing this herself - she'll often say XYZ upset me today but only a 3 so its ok. Equally if it's a 7plus I know that even if I think it's nothing, she needs help processing it.
And she came up with her own - 'and so what...' which is her way of asking if the outcome really matters
I have no answers beyond teach her rocks like that, which help her handle it. I don't think there's a way to stop the initial worry/hurt

I'm not sure she needs to be told to get over it.

I'd probably explain why some people lie. That perhaps they're unhappy with something in their life or that there's something going on and that's how they deal with it. That she shouldn't end a friendship over it.

As for the other bits... Are the children bullying her because pulling her hood down and moving her pencil case can certainly be the start of that. I say this from experience. I've even had a bully copy my work and I was too scared to say anything.

And if it is innocent part of me thinks why should she have to pretend to find it funny (the moving pencil case and pulling hood down) when it's obviously annoying...

Difficult. Hopefully someone will come along with better advice!

Please don't tell her to get over it. That's horrible advice.

This sounds exactly like my DD, who was diagnosed with ASD at 13.

Rocks ?
Tricks...

The thing is that when people are really unhappy and angry and you ask them why...they tend to list things. That doesn't mean those things are the real underlying reason for the emotion...its just what they latch onto.

If only X didn't happen I'd be fine! Its all bollocks. If X wasn't happening you'd find something else to fixate on!

As an example of that from my place of work, every year we will have multiple students claim that they were unable to recover from the death of a pet and hence flunked their exams. What has actually happened is that they have fallen into depression, don't understand what has happened to them and because a pet died in the right timeframe they think that's responsible. Its never about the pet!

So the key thing here is to find out what she is actually feeling. There may or may not be a 'why' that comes with these feelings....generally people suffering low mood are doing just that...suffering low mood...there is no 'why', any more than there's a 'why' for you happening to catch a bad cold.

So just talk to her, listen, work out what she is really experiencing...maybe help her to realise that the little things she's annoyed about aren't the cause but the symptom....

Immediately I wouldn't really say too much except saying something sympathetically like "sounds like you have had an annoying day" and then be silent and see how she responds. Sometimes, just being listened to is enough. Schools can be noisy, busy, loud tiring places after all.

Thereafter I think I'd be having a discussion with her (not too confronting, but when everything is calm and you are driving together or something) about how she likes school, what aspects she enjoys, what aspects she doesn't, does she feel she is being picked on? and try and guage it from there.

If she likes it and all seems well, then I'd try and distract and move on (maybe with humour)?

But as a pp said, low level bullying can start with this sort of thing. So if all doesn't seem well then give her "permission" to politely and calmly say "do not touch my things please". Maybe do a few role plays with her as to how to handle situations like this. Ask her if there is anything else worrying her?

As for resilience itself, I think it comes from having a bit of responsibility and learning how to handle it. Being good at something (boosting confidence). And having parents model it. (I'm a worry wart so I don't do well at this but at least she sees me trying!).

Maybe after listening to the negative news, you could ask her to tell you about some of the pleasant parts of her day.

My reports said I was 'highly strung' which was a convenient way of the school and teachers not addressing the persistent, insidious low level bullying that happened every day. My family had no idea.

The teachers were entirely complicit and would join in with subtle digs and mockery. I like to think that would never happen now, yes I was sensitive and a 'people pleaser' but that was all...also my face didn't really fit in that particular community. Actually that was a good thing although I didn't realise it then.

I spent decades thinking this was all my fault and I was over sensitive and 'highly strung'. None of it was my fault.

Once someone starts picking on a child and 'pulling their hood down' or 'moving their pencil case' it can be a green light and a free-for-all and it's very convenient to excuse it because the child concerned is 'too sensitive'.

It started like that for me and then it became a game to victimise me on a daily basis. Unfortunately, in any group human nature means a few are singled out as the 'enemy/victim/other' the weak ones to humiliate & then others join in, while a few others are lauded and worshipped at the other end of the spectrum. It's been really interesting to see that any group dynamic it seems to work that way.

Re: addressing the issue and building resilience, I think you need to see whether there are any underlying issues as I have mentioned here first. If you internalise a 'you are too sensitive/highly strung' mentality I don't think it's helpful. I'd keep that in mind.

Good luck to her/you in finding a positive solution.

I can be like this and the way I would be helped is just by someone listening to me and letting me talk it out, and understanding that I am bothered. Definitely do not tell her to get over it - all that will do is make her internalise it and not tell you any more, which is the worst possible outcome. Sometimes just telling someone can help me rationalise it because hearing it out loud can make me look at it from different sides. It helps if this is prompted by questions. Much like CBT works - e.g. ' so and so ignored me today" could be "so and so didn't see me today". So maybe "Emily kept playing with my hood" was "Emily really likes me and wants to play more".

My DD can be like this too and can get very anxious. However I have noticed that she is like this in the evenings, when tired, and then a lot better in the morning. So sometimes we'll talk something out in the evening, she can't rationalise, and i point out look it's nighttime this is when you get anxious so maybe in part it's that so have some sleep and see how you feel tomorrow. Then often she'll get up in the morning and feel much better about it.

But you can't deny her feelings - if that's how she feels - fair enough. Sometimes all you can do is hear her. Not everyone is the same. And I agree there could be some low level bullying going on here, which would be worth looking out for.

I like the scale idea too from a pp. That's a really simple way of helping to rationalise something. So xx happened and it upset me but actually if i think about it it's only a 3 on the scale. And then it's dealt with in my mind.

Thank you, these are very helpful. She does tell her to stop doing things but the girl carries on because she knows it gets to my DD. My DD hates getting into trouble so she won’t retaliate and bottles it all in until every now and then she will shout (at which point she gets into trouble).
I will try all of these suggestions and see what works. Thanks so much.

Does your dd have a sibling? How does she react when they annoy them?

My dd reacts in a similar way when her brother winds her up to get a reaction. She is unfortunately a magnet for bully’s, always reacts and is too nice and thoughtful to stick up for herself. If I catch him doing it I’m on him like a tonne of bricks. I’ve gone from telling her to ignore him, to saying give him a good wallop if he starts getting physical. And now if she wants to she doesn’t put up with his crap anymore and if he’s lying crying on the floor because he snatched her squishy and taunted her with it, and he’s been shoved to the floor because she had enough, I just tell him to get up and that he deserved it. He has his own middle child issues going on. And interestingly my youngest dd would never stand for his shit and she always gets her own back on her brother and he never taunts her because he knows she will hit him and she is half his age.

I know it’s probably not the Mumsnet thing to do, but I learnt after many years of being bullied that not standing up to the bully just made the bully attack me more and more. The day I finally got my own back and they were laughed at instead of me was the day I realised you have to stick up for yourself.

If Emily is genuinely being malicious for the thrill of winding your dd up then I would suggest, speaking to the school and finding out what’s going on.

I might also consider:

Joe moved my pencil case - in that case empty his on the floor.

Emily pulled my hood - pull Emily’s hood back when she’s not looking.

Emily copies my work - stick your hand up and shout out’ “teacher, Emily needs help she keeps copying my work!”

Of course like I always thought and my dd thinks too, “but I will get into trouble and it’s not nice or kind.” And I always say That’s right it’s not nice and the teacher might tell you off, but if you were genuinely sticking up for yourself against a bully you would not be in trouble with your mum.

Isn't that low level bullying then? I know you want her to sort it out by herself but she might need you on side to agree that it's not acceptable before she'd talk to a teacher if you don't want to.

Teach her the difference between the small and the big things. Children often live in the moment - anything that just happened can be a "big thing". Explain the difference between good-natured teasing, and sustained bullying. If you can, point out when adults tease each other good-naturedly.

I say this as someone who was in the same situation as your DD - my brother would constantly wind me up to get a reaction, as did people at school, even people I thought were friends. I too was very black and white about the whole thing: in my ideal world, nobody would tease each other, ever, nice people don't do that. I remember the shock of some light-hearted teasing when I was at university: I thought that sort of thing stopped when you became an adult!

As for the retaliating - yes, it's very easy for us to say "do it back", and with hindsight, there were times when I could/should have done. But I remember the terrible fear of incurring teacher or parental wrath for doing so. Once, during the subsequent talk from the teacher, I explained exactly why I had retaliated, and was then yelled at for being "rude". (There were also occasions where I was punished for standing up to my brother, which made me never dare to stand up for myself at all, but that's another thread. I'm still bearing a grudge about this.)

I'd also be wondering if all these little annoyances are part of low level bullying.
I find role play helpful for my DD at a similar age - that way they get to work out the answer better for themselves. I would also freely admit it's much easier after the event to come up with the perfect come back!
The other thing I've found helpful is for my DD to have other circles of friends outside of school, she has a club she goes to and also goes to Guides which has amazingly good for her social self esteem. I do think growing confidence outside of school is important.