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Original poster

I feel like the shittest mum in the world today. DS 'escaped'.

37 replies

OfMe · 03/04/2019 17:32

DS3 (8, ASD, speech and language delay, LD, special school - you get the picture) was off school with a temperature today. Seeing as he is normally on the go, running, bouncing on the furniture, climbing up shelves, bannisters etc. all the time, we knew he wasn't well because he didn't get up in the morning, and has spent most of the day quietly playing in the bedroom. I was due to go to uni, but as DH had some deadlines, he was working in the small office upstairs, and I was covering downstairs.
So at about 3.30, my phone rang in another room, and I got up to go and get it. And the back door to the kitchen was wide open, key in the lock. We keep all our keys on us 24 hours a day, as no matter where we find them, DS3 finds them. He has escaped before and run into the garden and houses of neighbours, and once got as far as a garage at the end of the road. But not since we put a keycode lock on the front door.
So of course, I ran outside, calling out his name, (no shoes) and got round to the front of the house, before DH had come out the front of the house, and overtook me to go down to the garage. DS2 was still in the house (10, also has ASD and in a special school, but no SALD, just LD)
A woman passing by said she'd seen him in the garage, and tried to catch him, but he was too quick. Another chap said DS3 had run into his home and they'd tried to talk to him, and then he'd run out and run down the road, so he must have been gone for a good few minutes. I came back, got DS2 to put his shoes on, got some myself, and we were heading down the garden path when DH returned carrying DS4, who had managed to get in and out of the garage, stolen a chocolate bar, and then had run to some traffic lights further down the A-road - we think he was heading to the park.
Obviously I was out of my mind with worry, angry at myself for leaving the keys on the side, and upset, (still am). But I win on the Shit Mother front today, don't I?

OP posts:

OrchidInTheSun · 03/04/2019 17:34

No you really, really don't. He's fine and you won't do that again. It's a continual learning experience parenting kids with SN and they keep us on our toes!

I think you sound like a great mum

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/04/2019 17:36

No, you win on the Had The Shittest Day front and nothing else. You cannot beat yourself up over this; all you can do is move forward and work out if there's anything extra you could put in place to prevent it happening again, but as a parent to a child with ASD I know first hand that sometimes you just can't prevent everything.

He's ok, you're ok. Just breathe, relax and let today be done with. Fresh start tomorrow and no more beating yourself up over something that's already been and gone. That anger at yourself is normal, totally, but it won't reverse time or change the fact that it happened.

Verastsnhope · 03/04/2019 17:36

No! How the hell were you supposed to predict and prevent that happening? You reacted immediately and everyone is safe. You’re just suffering that “torture myself with what could have happened” thing we all do.

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Families SEN

DaisyDreaming · 03/04/2019 17:37

That’s an easy mistake to make when distracted and your actions show your anything but a shit mum!

Stinkytoe · 03/04/2019 17:38

You manage every day, caring for your family despite all the added complications life has thrown at you. I’d say you’re the very opposite of shit.

blueskiesovertheforest · 03/04/2019 17:40

No you really don't. Most people never have to deal with escape artist children, you're doing the extension paper on the advanced parenting degree, not the basic version. You're dealing with things on a different level of intensity.

We're all allowed to make mistakes, and you're making mistakes doing something more difficult.

MitziK · 03/04/2019 17:40

Look on the bright side - at least you know he's feeling better now.

Original poster

OfMe · 03/04/2019 17:43

Thanks, everyone. Made me tear up a bit. Doesn't really help when you're also on a VLCD so it's chocolate milkshake for tea, when you'd rather have half a veggie pizza and a couple of glasses of wine! That'll have to wait a few months! This SEND parenting takes it toll, and it gets very lonely, doesn't it, so that's really helped me!

OP posts:

HotpotLawyer · 03/04/2019 17:43

What a fright! I think you win Mother Most in Need of a Cup of Tea / Glass of Wine Award!

Good team work by you and DH.

Glad he is safe.

HeyJude81 · 03/04/2019 17:43

I think u sound like a wonderful mum!! Just a mum that had a shit day. Hugs and flowers 💐 xx

colehawlins · 03/04/2019 17:46

Not your fault. Nobody can maintain 100% vigilance 100% of the time.

Gazelda · 03/04/2019 17:48

You've got your hands full 24/7. DS got the better of you for a split second and between you, DH and the neighbours you got everything back on track. A little adventure for DS, a frantic few minutes for the rest of you. No shit to declare!
Give yourself a break. You do a grand job, day in day out. Be proud.

Spudlet · 03/04/2019 17:48

Oh love, what a day! No, you are not a shit mum, you're just a mum who has had a shit day. Have a glass of wine / tipple of your choice / cake / chocolate / whatever floats your personal boat tonight - you deserve it.

Original poster

OfMe · 03/04/2019 17:49

Actually, blueskies, that's not a bad idea for a YT series - 'Advanced Degree Lectures on Parenting Challenging Children' .
And yes, MitziK - he's back to tearing around the house again, and just came up to me with 'cuteface' on, saying v quietly 'we go to shops and get baby wipes'. He knows we have wipes, but he's trying to wangle some sweets! And ooh, that reminds me - I mustn't forget to go and pay for the chocolate bar he stole.

OP posts:

Spudlet · 03/04/2019 17:54

Hah! He's not daft, is he? Bless him!

DS today managed to thwack the poor old dog hard enough to make him bark again despite me being right there, and I shouted at DS and hurt my throat doing so, so I reckon I get both the shit mum and shit dog owner prizes today actually. The double! Go me. Hey ho.

justthecat · 03/04/2019 17:55

Don’t beat yourself up about it, I think you reacted very quickly and there was no harm done in the end.
You must be on constant alert all the time which must be very tiring 💐

Original poster

OfMe · 03/04/2019 17:58

No Spudlet - it's very hard having pets with SEND or young children. We have a couple of cats who seem to spend their lives either reminding us to feed them (when they have bowls full of biscuits) or running away from the children.

OP posts:

Original poster

OfMe · 03/04/2019 17:59

We rent, and are have just had the OT adaptations unit round, who are going to apply for a Disabled Facilities Grant for us, but I'm guessing the process is going to take some time.

OP posts:

Spudlet · 03/04/2019 18:05

Well I'll stop kicking myself if you stop kicking yourself

It's bloody hard work for me with one child and one dog, you are doing heroic work with multiple children with SEND, and cats as well! No harm was done in the end - to any of the small reprobates - so now we move on to tomorrow and whatever the next thing is.

OrchidInTheSun · 03/04/2019 18:08

Tbh, every time I think I can predict behaviour, I'm wrong. It's like having a baby - when you know that every development - good or bad - is only temporary.

EggysMom · 03/04/2019 18:17

As somebody else said - shit day, not shit mum. When our son learns about keys in a lock, we're going to have to keep the front door locked and keys on a hook at a stupid height so he cannot reach!

Original poster

OfMe · 03/04/2019 18:23

Shake on it, Spud.

And yes, Orchid - it is entirely unpredictable from day to day! Have just had some Aldi pea and mint soup, so feel a bit better for not being hungry. And DS2 has just described cut-up sausage pieces as 'meaty marshmallows' - have to love their different perspective on things sometimes, but not so much DS3's description of today, where he said 'go to the shops such fun'!

OP posts:

Original poster

OfMe · 03/04/2019 18:29

Eggys, that's what we used to do - we have slidy-bolts on the kitchen, bathroom, our bedroom and the office, but they're all useless now he knows he can just pull up a chair/stool/hoover and stand on it. We had a heavy big slidy-bolt on the front door but had to change it to a 4-number padlock as he could undo that as well! They keep you on their toes!

OP posts:

N0tfinished · 03/04/2019 18:32

Oh God, how terrifying! My youngest (similar diagnoses) got out through an open window in his Granny's house & ran down a busy road. Neighbor luckily recognized him & brought him home. Absolute corker was when he crept out of the cabin on the ferry to France when we were all asleep. He can move like a ninja when he takes a notion.

You're definitely not a shit mum. If you were, you wouldn't care xx

FriarTuck · 03/04/2019 18:39

You need to read 'George and Sam' by Charlotte Moore - her son Sam did the same escape trick (he's autistic too) only when they were out somewhere and he ended up by a river! Trust me, read that and you'll feel much better (it's a great book anyway, I highly recommend it)
It happens. You're not the shittiest mum. You're a good mum with a child who'd give Houdini a run for his money.

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