Help! How do I support / get school to support socially anxious 12yo (poss mild autism)?

[HelloYouTwo]

So ds is just 12, in yr 7 of a small-ish private school. He was diagnosed as borderline autistic a couple of years ago with advice to keep a watching brief to see how he copes with teen years / secondary. I haven’t made a thing of this with school as before he started he seemed to fine.

He loves lessons but oh how he struggles to cope with the social side. He seems to have one good friend and a few other sort-of friends but is unsure if they like him. He struggles to join in and is often excluded or teased. He doesn’t understand teasing and cannot give as good as he gets (I’m not talking about “banter”, just gentle joshing). He is incredibly sensitive both in terms of his feelings and pain threshold. To the point that even I get frustrated about hearing all his woes and am running out of sympathy.

I have raised one instance of actual bullying with school, they dealt with it brilliantly. I have also spoken to his form teacher to alert them to the fact that he’s struggling to find his feet socially. They had some advice but I really just wanted to make them aware.

He’s still not very happy and I don’t know what to do. I’m reluctant to be that parent; I’m aware this is secondary not primary and he’s going to have to fight most of his own battles now.

But I wonder if I should be revisiting the ASD issue and if I did and the diagnosis was formalised, what would this actually achieve? Would it mean his peers would be given more direction on “being nice” to him, would he get more supervision or help at break or lunchtime? He finds school very loud at times. He’s terrified about next year when his birthday will be on a weekday because everyone drums the tables at lunchtime if a birthday is announced! Both the noise and being the centre of attention are things he dreads. He presents more as quirky, nerdy, only-child rather than having any additional needs. I had hoped he’d find some kindred spirits but it’s the usual tale of the football-playing fortnite-loving rowdy cool gang who notice him only for their own entertainment and then drop him again.

Sorry for the essay. Any support, advice, encouragement or experience would be so gratefully received as I’m so for my lovely boy right now.

It may be different in private schools, but I used to open my department at lunchtime to students who found social interaction difficult. Some of them would talk to one another, others just ate heir packed lunch, sitting alongside, but not chatting.

Difficult to manoeuvre children into playing with one another though, but you could perhaps get them to say to a group that hellojunior is feeling a bit lonely and would like to have people to chat to at break times.

That’s a lovely idea Foxy. His form teacher did say he could pop up to her office if things got too much, but he’s the child who’d always stay behind to “help” the teacher at break in primary and I really want him to form some sort of friendship (even if just eating lunch next to one another in silence!) with his peers so I’ve held off on telling him that yet. Finding ways for him to connect outside of the cool gang is hard.

We are going through similar with our Ds. He is 14 and year 10 but is incredibly socially isolated at school and out of school. Spends every break and lunch alone. He has no friends.

He is actually being assessed for ASD at the moment. He really started to struggle at secondary and things have got progressively worse. Last weekend he was incredibly low about the whole situation. I have decided to email the school after Easter as we are so close to the holidays now I can see it getting forgotten if I email this week (school has form for ignoring our emails) I'm hoping that they might have some ideas so he is not alone at lunch.

People have said to me that a diagnosis won't really get him much help but I feel it's an important thing for him. Ds is waiting for a speech and language assessment (it's a long wait unfortunately) and I'm hoping they might be able to make some recommendations to the school on how they could better support him.

Could you contact the senco for advice? They might have some ideas on the social side and also whether you should pursue the ASD assessment again.

Oh Punxsutawney that’s so sad for your ds. It’s heartbreaking seeing lovely children just struggle to fit in. The issue of the diagnosis is whether it will help in school. Will they actually gather up the other kids and say, right this boy has ASD and you’re damn well going to make an effort to include him even if you don’t understand his random jokes or he’s a bit annoying. I just can’t see that happening but perhaps I’m wrong. Would it help outside school, as in open up groups to join? ASD exists on such a massive spectrum, I feel it’s more about finding a shared interest and taking it from there. Could be anything from board games to cadets to karate. But DS’s confidence is low and his sense of self esteem is suffering so joining a group doesn’t feel that easy right now.

You are right it is heartbreaking to see our children so unhappy. I don't think my Ds will tell anyone if he gets a diagnosis. He has been picked on and called names for using learning support. He is entitled to use a laptop in school but is hesitant because he doesn't want to look different and be vulnerable to teasing. The school have him on an individual plan at the moment but I don't think it's much help. So no, don't think the school will tell any of his peers about his difficulties only the staff will know, some of which are supportive and some not.

Ds would love some friends with shared interests or just a group to attend. I think he would be happy with anything that made him feel like someone valued his company. I don't know of any groups that are suitable for teenagers with high functioning ASD.
The low self esteem is difficult though once they feel low in confidence its very hard to boost them up again.

I hope the school have some ideas to help your Ds. Being unhappy at school has such a major impact on the rest of their lives.