Being ghosted by a friend

[ScruffyBlankey]

I feel immeasurably sad at the moment that a person I have been good friends with for over thirty years no longer seems to want a friendship. We met at Uni and became friends there. When we both had DC the DC socialised with each other . The DC are older now (both our eldest have left home and we each have 16 year old DDs at home.

We didn't have any arguments or any problems at all that I was aware of. We used to see each other (along with our respective DPs and DCs) about every eight weeks.

I received a text from her over a year ago saying that she was ashamed that she had been a bad friend and had not been in touch, but things had been difficult and she would explain when she saw me. I replied immediately by text confirming that i would love to meet up and never got a reply. I didn't press at the time. This was probably a mistake. I rang some months later as still heard nothing and she sounded totally shocked to hear from me at first and not in a good way. We had a normal conversation and she said that she appreciated that I had rung and later sent me a Christmas card saying about meeting in January.

After this, I tried to ring to arrange a date to meet, but the date we set she cancelled and didn't contact me regarding the second date we had spoken about. Really I have initiated all contact (phone calls and by text) and she has avoided meeting up. I can't really keep trying to make contact as it's pretty obvious that she is being elusive and doesn't wish to see me.

I feel absolutely awful as I genuinely don't know what went wrong with our friendship. We were never "Best friends" but always firm friends over three decades. We didn't have an intense relationship, but just enjoyed each other's company fairly regularly.

I don't think that there is much more i can do at this point. If someone doesn't want to know, they are unlikely to tell you why as they probably want to spare your feelings. It just hurts so much to lose a friend with no explanation as there is no closure.

I don't have a history of falling out with people. I am still in touch with friends from school. I have had other friendships that have faded over the years, but never had anything happen like this.

Does anyone else have experience of being ghosted and how did you deal with this? I feel that it's akin to a bereavement.

It can be like a bereavement yes. I would write her a letter asking if there was anything specific that caused her to withdraw. You could say that the door is open to her but it seems clear she doesn’t want to be friends and you wish her all the best.

In a sense, you’ve nothing to lose and you get some sense of closure. If she wants to get in touch, or offer an explanation then it might prompt that.

Whatever you decide, take care of yourself and nurture other friendships.

Thank you for your kind advice Smelborp. A letter is a good idea and I am going to give some thought about what words to use. My friend isn't really techie so an old fashioned style of communication seems appropriate somehow. Thanks again!

Hey scruff.
I haven’t got any advice as such, but my childhood best friend did this to me just over a year ago. I was her DC’s class teacher and things became randomly ghosty.
I’m still gutted. But I feel more at peace having heard on the grapevine what I have/haven’t done. It was the worry that killed me. I hope you feel better soon

Sorry this happened to you also Bamchic. I imagine that being teacher to your friend's child could be a bit of a minefield. Glad that you feel that you have come to terms with it s bit more now.

Is there anything going on in her life that may be difficult right now? She may be struggling with something, mental health, anything really, that means she's just not up to engaging? Doesn't make it any easier for you, obviously.

Something similar happened to me many years ago and it really does hurt.

This has happened to me.

Also with uni friend. We shared flats together, travelled together, we're very close.

She moved abroad about 10 years ago and always comes home to visit family friends once or twice a year. She'd always come and stay with me on these trips, until about 4 or 5 years ago she stopped telling me when she was back home.

I'd find out from other friends that she'd been home and seen them,but not been in touch with me.

She's one of my oldest friends and I'm so upset. Like you OP, there's no obvious reason for it.

I had this year's ago with a friend I went to school with
She moved away and we stayed friends for years after. We'd meet up when we could and always at special occasions.

After she had her first child (she was young) we kind of drifted apart. She stopped answering my messages and never called me back. I looked her up on fb etc but she wasn't on it and so I let it drop.

I was sad. We're were such good friends. Anyway a couple of years ago I tried to find her on fb again and I found a death notice instead for a member of her family. I sent a card to her address and she called me. We met up for coffee and left on the promise we'd do it again and I never heard from her again. I think our lives just veered off in very different directions.

BigbreastsBiggerbeard
There could be issues going on her life affecting her behaviour. We don't share any friends so there isn't any likelihood of me finding out from anyone else. She hasn't ever had any mental health issues in the past. She has had a lot to deal with sorting out alternative accommodation for her elderly parent. It does feel though that she is specifically avoiding me rather not up to engaging IYKWIM.

Gottalovesummer and Badwifey; So sorry that this has happened to you too

There seems to so much of this going on these days.It happened to me last year.A close friend of 15 years ghosted me and another mutual friend at same time.The mutual friend was having relationship problems and the said friend emailed her partner telling him to leave her and dragged up all sorts of other stuff about her past. IT wasnt nice.She said was taking step back from her and i.She then removed both of us from FB,blocked us and got family members and another friend of hers to do same.

We do still have mutual friends and this weekend are going to50th birthday do where said friend and partner will be.My friend insists she is going to tackle her,but i say not time and place,weve moved on forget her,she isnt worth it.But shed known her longer and feels it worse than me.Its never happened to me before,im still friends with an old schoolfriend of many years,and i have to admit ive toned down some friendships over Brexit,im a strong Remainer,but id never ghost anyone.But people seem to do it so much now.Its sad.