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Original poster

12yo going mad because I won’t let them have Instagram/Snapchat

24 replies

EleanorLavish · 02/04/2019 18:43

So upset, genuinely feel like the worst parent ever. All the research says don’t let kids get it, my sis is a VP and says please don’t get it, my BFF says deffo don’t get it as it has ruined her relationship with her son as all they do is fight over the phone now. The headmaster has recently sent out a letter saying please reconsider allowing your kids social media as it is causing issues in school.
DS is also incredibly immature and not street smart in the slightest. I just know he would post something inappropriate.
We have had a horrible row, I feel like utter crap.
Parenting is so hard sometimes.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2019 18:47

Don’t row.
You say no.
If they throw a tantrum about it then issue a consequence.
Set the precedent. There will likely be lots of things you say no to over the teen years.

Samind · 02/04/2019 18:48

I don't have teens but I feel for you and you're absolutely right to disallow these types of apps. These days, there's a lot of bullying, coercion and harrassment etc on these types of social media.

You're doing the right thing which won't always make you popular.

Original poster

EleanorLavish · 02/04/2019 18:55

Trying to ignore but he is doing that thing of following me around, making comments, making mess, being horrible... agh! Trying not to rise to it.

OP posts:

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Original poster

EleanorLavish · 02/04/2019 18:56

Thank you for words of encouragement.
6yo som just gave me a hug and told me to spray myself with perfume,.

OP posts:

Palominoo · 02/04/2019 18:57

Always remember you are their parent not their friend and some decisions you make on their behalf will make them hostile and resentful.

Stick to your guns.

BelleSausage · 02/04/2019 18:59

Stick to your guns. 12 is far too young to understand the ins and outs of social media and avoid its pitfalls.

Can he even rationalise why he wants it? If the only argument is that all his friends have it then I cannot see the benefit. But make sure you put all the extra parent locks in his phone to stop him creating an account secretly. There are ways and means.

Original poster

EleanorLavish · 02/04/2019 19:01

Luckily they hate me Palominoo so unlikely we will be friends now. Sigh.
If only everyone else in school didn’t have it...
I have an older teen who never wanted any social media which is infuriating 12yo even more, as they are saying, you don’t really need it, who cares etc and that is scuppering his plea that he needs it.

OP posts:

Original poster

EleanorLavish · 02/04/2019 19:02

I e told him if I find out he has set it up himself he is going pay to his old PAYG basic text/ring phone.
And I mean it.
And he knows I do.

OP posts:

Elizabeth2019 · 02/04/2019 19:03

Ha tweenagers are the worst 😂 stay strong OP ! Social media is truly terrible as most have no idea what they put is around forever

Singlenotsingle · 02/04/2019 19:10

You're the boss. Just say no.

Palominoo · 02/04/2019 19:10

It does get better. Mine are both adults now.

I like to remind them, especially my daughter of the tantrums and outrageous tweenage/teenage behaviour in front of their partners!

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2019 19:23

Following you round and and making horrid comments?
Bugger that.
Time to say pack it in or else.... pick your consequence.
It’s fine to try and argue your case but rudeness etc isn’t on.

keepingbees · 02/04/2019 19:25

I have a 12 year old who's not allowed social media either. And yes we are the worst parents ever in his eyes. It doesn't help that all his peers are allowed to do pretty much what they want so he thinks we are really strict. So just to let you know you aren't alone and as others have said stick to your guns!

W0rriedMum · 02/04/2019 19:27

Same here. I say they can't as it's banned for under 13s. I appreciate I need an excuse when they turn 13!
Instagram is the worst because it suggests dubious content based on age and their friends' content.

MaderiaCycle · 02/04/2019 19:29

Don't do it OP, stay strong. Sending best wishes.

Original poster

EleanorLavish · 02/04/2019 19:53

Thank you all for support. It’s really helped me stay strong.

OP posts:

Bobbybobbins · 02/04/2019 20:10

Well done OP- I am a secondary teacher and the amount of time we spend dealing with social media issues is insane

Fairylea · 02/04/2019 20:15

Going against the grain, why not let him have it but set firm ground rules? It’s such a huge thing for youngsters now, it’s how they all talk to each other and anyone who doesn’t have it is going to be left out of things, sad but true.

My dd is 15 now but at 12 we let her have instagram and snapchat on the firm understanding that she would only add people she actually knew from her own year at school and she would let us follow her and with the understanding that we knew her passwords and could look at what she was up to at any time. As she got older we relaxed the rules but when she was 12 we had a three strikes and it’s off permanently rule - she never even got a strike at all as she was so pleased to have it she knew it was a privilege.

I think adults hate kids being on social media and yes I absolutely understand the bad / dark side of it all but to ban it completely at 12 + is extremely harsh.

Persimmonn · 02/04/2019 20:46

Well I’m probably a bad parent, but my dd has been using social media from age 9. She’s had Instagram, tiktok and snapchat for years (she’s 11.5). She got WhatsApp last year and uses it regularly with her friends. Our rules are that her accounts are set to private, she always shows me what she’s about to post (if it’s her in the picture), and only school friends are added. I sporadically check her WhatsApp messages and phone. She fully knows not to talk to strangers. She accepts the rules and has never broken them, I mean why would she? She’s got open access to everything, and it would be lost if she posted something inappropriate. Her friends are nuts, but none of them post stupid pictures of themselves either and they’re all aware of internet safety. Dd’s Tiktok videos are hilarious and I don’t mind her doing them. She also has a YouTube channel.

It’s got to a stage now where she’s getting bored of everything. I think she’s used it to her heart’s content, which is just as well because she’ll be too bored to focus on social media in secondary school, where education matters most.

If you outright ban things, your child will find ways to use things secretly and I’d rather my child uses social media with me rather than secretly.

EstrellaDamn · 02/04/2019 21:08

In our school the entire P7 class is in uproar.

They're all on Snapchat and a girl dumped her boyfriend and the entire class has fallen out over it, picking sides, fighting in the playground, bullying over social media. My friends daughter has started throwing up with anxiet about going to school in the mornings.

And yet: they all still have phones

Don't do it OP. It's a door you can't close, even in your son's own home, which needs to be his safe place.

EastMidsGPs · 03/04/2019 07:35

Was at an induction training event at local senior school yesterday. A member of the Senior Management Team led the Safeguarding and Prevent overview.
They said that despite the school addressing issues as they arose, educating and regularly reinforcing messages in PSE etc. SM was the bane of their life, a big problem, with so many upsets, incidents of bullying and general misery caused by what is said/unfolds on SM.
Impacts regularly on relationships within the school and sometimes escalates way beyond the original comment - as often outside family etc also become involved.
As you say your son is still immature, I'd stay firm and stay no a while longer.

W0rriedMum · 03/04/2019 14:09

Tik Tok is the very worst of all, in my opinion. @Persimmonn

Back when it was Music.ly before the acquisition, it was very clear what was private and public and was a simple lip sync app. That has been totally eroded on the Tik Tok - it's all about the streaming of content (some live) which you can't seem to block. There is some serious weird stuff on there. We've banned the kids from using it now.

Persimmonn · 03/04/2019 14:59

Musically always had the option to stream live, and it was more popular a few years ago than it is now. I haven’t noticed any difference in the platform from musically to tiktok. You can still create private videos and still have your account on private and only allow certain people to follow you. I’ve never found anything weird on there tbh, can you elaborate?

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 03/04/2019 15:05

We’ve had this recently with my 12yo dd. We stupidly let her have things we weren’t happy with which led to her being involved with activities online that were potentially harmful. She shouted, screamed and argued so we took the phone away.

We said that we would be prepared to discuss her having it back when she was prepared to accept, without argument, our terms/rules for the phone. That lasted almost 5 months! Her choice though as she still insisted on arguing when we said no instagram etc.

She finally accepted our terms and so far, so good 🤞🏼.

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