Does anyone else find it difficult to pay attention to what their kids are saying?

[Fairyjuice]

Sahm to 2 preschoolers and a toddler, and along with all the cooking/cleaning/shopping drudgery, I go to college part time so have a stupidly large mental load. Because of this, my attention span is fairly shit. However, it is even worse when it comes to my kids. I constantly find myself zoning out and going into my 'stuff to do' list in my mind while they are talking.

This isn't helped by the fact that my eldest DC talks NON FUCKING STOP and asks a bazillion questions an hour (mostly questions I have already answered 100/1000/10000 times already). He can also speak in a very whiney tone (we are working on this), and I actually think that my brain has tuned the frequency out as I regularly don't even hear him when he starts to talk.

I get huge mum guilts for not listening to my kids, and I am aware of it when it is happening, but don't know how to stop it. I know the problem is my mental load, and I do try and practise a 10 minute mindfulness meditation daily, but it doesn't seem to help.

Never had this with my children but did with my last ex as he used to go on and on about how wonderful he was and how I wasn't!

From your post it looks like you could benefit from allocating some sit down time with each child individually to chat with them and hear what they have to say rather than them trying to take kn what they are saying at random times when you are thinking about what to cook for them for tea etc.

Yes and as they get older it gets worse not better!!!!

We have tried doing the sit down and talk thing, but ds constantly interrupts (we are working on this too), and it doesn't stop them asking questions/talking when I am busy doing other stuff 🙈

annasgirl 🙈

I do when 5 year old DS is explaining in great detail the plot of Lego Movie, with added side notes about his favourite WWE wrestlers. I am always interested in what he has to say, but when it turns into a stream of consciousness ramble when I'm trying to cook tea or park the car it's difficult to concentrate!

I read a child rearing book that said basically, it's OK not to give them your full attention the whole time, as long as you do when they need it. Especially with littlers, when they're just chatting, a lot of the time they just want to take part in the rhythm of conversation, and you can get away with going "mm-hm" and "oh really?" in the pauses. They don't notice the difference, they're more interested in what they are thinking about than your reply. (This also seems to apply to my DH a lot of the time - they all talk at me and don't listen very much at all. I find myself introducing them to each other like a hostess. "DH, I'd like you to meet DD2. She is very interested in what the scariest shark is. DD2, this is your dad, he knows a lot about wars. Ask him about cannons or something.")

With repeated questions from my 3 yesr old I just say "what have I already said?" He doesn't necessarily know or care to answer but it breaks the flow of him asking and always getting a response. Sometimes I distract him or redirect to something else so I can carry on with what I was doing.

It is super irritating though, I just don't validate the repetition which is sometimes effective.

Oh god yes I zone out all the time when my DCs start rambling about their latest obsession and I’m in the middle of something. They’re sadly quite aware of it now and ask me to repeat what they just said to make sure I’m listening

They need to learn to self-edit so if they start going off on one I will say “you lost me at xxx, what was the next bit?” so that they know they’ve gone on a bit but I am interested

Mine are all teens now though so should know better and be able to read social cues. I do make a point of switching off my phone and turning to face them when I’m ready to listen so they know they have my full attention and I’m hoping that will help to differentiate between a good time to talk and a bad time to talk!

One of DS1’s first full phrases was “no more ‘qestions’! ” as he could go on a bit even at that age!!

Omg I am the exact same! My daughter will ask the same question over and over and she is literally constantly talking or making noises (I know kids do) but it's hard to always be listening because if you were then you'd never get a thing done! 😂😂 I constantly forget to do things because got her rabbitting on in my ear 😂 don't feel guilty, aslong as you're trying to listen to the important stuff and sometimes the silly then don't beat yourself up :) let's face it..... kids don't listen to us half the time haha otherwise they wouldn't need to ask the same question twice 😉

I feel your pain. When DS (4) asks the same question on repeat, I say "You asked me that before. Do you remember what I said?" and he can repeat the exact answer I've already given him. But when I say "So, do you think you really needed to ask again?" he will say "Yes! Because I want you to tell me again!"

Some days I just give up listening.

Oh and conversely, if they go "what?" in response to every. single. fucking thing you ever say, rather than tire yourself out answering, you can just go "what?" back in the same voice. Then they do it again, and you do it - "what?"
"what?"
"whaaat?"
"whaaat"
and soon it sounds like a bunch of seagulls. It's kind of fun.

God yes, my 3yo Ds literally talks constantly. Incessant questions about everything and nothing. Today's was what day is it? Is it the weekend? When is the weekend? How many minutes until the weekend? How many of my birthdays is it until the weekend? Is it Easter at the weekend?
I know he's making sense of the world, and he's very bright and he doesn't understand the concept of time and days and weekends but I do find the constant twittering very draining, especially as he doesn't actually understand my answers so it's irrelevant whether I answer him
Or not. I now say 'I've answered that question already Ds, so try to remember what I said before'

He then gave me a very thorough description of friction and explained that because his boots were wet he had no friction on the floor and that's why he was so fast and fell over. I did for 2 minutes think I'd created some sort of miniature genius, then realised it was from blaze and the monster machines!

What?

@thenewaveragebear1983, are you me?! He sounds just like my 3.5 year old DS. Who also gets worse when tired. 2 hrs 40 in the car on Sunday (and believe me, I was counting the minutes) just me and him and I swear to God I think he has gills, I'm not sure he paused for breath. "When did I get that sticker? When were my jabs? But what day? Is January before or after Christmas? Is it before or after my birthday?" Etc.

Put it this way, there's a reason I sit and rock quietly in a corner some evenings.

Franklin I actually wonder whether there is a limit to the amount of times a person can be asked the same question without it actually permanently damage part of their brain. I feel like I'm the experiment that will prove it once and for all.

I shouldn't moan, he's gloriously uninhibited and fascinated by everything, and of all my dc he's the one who asks me about things that interest me. But the interrogation is constant sometimes.

He went round Lidl last week singing happy birthday to his willy. It was not his birthday. Or Willy's.

What?

What?

@thenewaveragebear1983, I have found my people. Here, have some (or a ).

Mine has four stock questions that he falls back on when tired/bored/wanting a reaction. Mainly centred around what key people in his life who are not present might be doing.

I actually banned him from asking about his childminder at the weekend as to be asked on average every seven minutes (but at one point 9 times in 12 minutes) was simply more than I could bear without the urge to drive us into the central reservation to just Make It Stop.

His other obsessions include birthdays, months, days of the week and teaching himself how to tell the time. I would be a rich woman if I had a pound for every time I had to explain whether an event is/was before/after Christmas or his birthday. Or for every time I say "stop fiddling with your willy".

Franklin or when you're driving and say 'just let me concentrate on this rather dangerous island' and you get
Why do you concentrate?
What's concentrate?
Why is it an island?
Why do I need to be quiet?
Why is that car bigger/faster/ more green than our car?
What's more green, a tree or a crocodile?
What rhymes with concentrate- doncentrate, monsontrate, lonsonstrate....

*Please be quiet or we're going to crash!!
*
Ps. Whichever bit of the EYFS curriculum that encourages rhyming nonsense words for talkative 3 year olds needs removed and burned at the earliest opportunity. And the man who wrote it (because it was a man, I'm sure) has a special place in hell.

Oh God, we haven't even got to that bit of the EYFS! In fact, I think it's going to get worse before it gets better because we're still stuck on "what" questions rather than "why" yet, although "when" is the current speciality.

OTOH, I was left red-faced after a parking incident: "Driving difficult, Mummy. You have to say "shit"".

A less scrupulous parent than myself could have great fun with the rhyming words... what rhymes with duck? do you know any words that rhyme with pit? What about trap? Or Hollocks?

But alas, I don't dare.

Plus, although I am technically from Birmingham I don't have a strong accent, and we don't live there - one of the playleaders does though, so we don't just 'rhyme' we 'roi-ummm'

We need some sort of support group I reckon!

Support group, you say? I'll see you at the bar! Ironically, I think you must definitely be living my parallel life as we have accent issues - I don't live in the area where I grew up so DS is developing the accent of the area and is constantly commenting on the difference in Mummy and Daddy's pronunciation of words....

Trough I did draw the line when he told me "it not tea, it dinner". Nobody has ever made me a cup of dinner. End of.

Between the ages of about 3 and 5, my kids could tell if I was zoning out....they both used to quiz me on what they had said and if I didn't get 100% on my 'test' they would start over. Very funny to look back on now.

Glad I'm not the only one then

Omg yes the questions about what people who aren't present!!! Another favourite of ds is to point out random cars and people and ask where they are going (usually while I am doing a particularly difficult driving related thing )

what people who aren't present are doing

It's their ages, don't worry. Yes of course you should listen to them and not just dismiss them all the time because you're laying the foundations for them being teens and confiding stuff in you then... but it is also totally human to need to zone out the Paw Patrol/Minecraft nonsense.

I did manage to teach DS1 when he was about 4 "I'm sorry Mummy just isn't very interested in Pokemon..." and also "I can't listen to you right now I'm concentrating" it has got better as he's got older and wants to have long discussions about other things (Harry Potter, I'm on that :o ) And sometimes there would be interesting discussions inamongst the drivel so it does pay to half listen and engage if it's going off on a related track.