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Original poster

How do I handle this situation re dd and some daffodils?

50 replies

Stompythedinosaur · 02/04/2019 13:44

Any advice welcome!

We live in a small and rural village. The village is arranged with houses on either side of a rough green, where many of the dc, including my two, play.

I was approached by a neighbour this morning to say a group of kids including my dd1 had stomped through a patch of daffodils on the green yesterday while playing. Another neighbour, who can see this patch from her window, is very upset about it.

I saw the patch this morning, and I can see why she is upset and they are definitely quite flattened, but have not been pulled up or anything (the flowers had already died before the stomping took place).

Normally I'd be taking dd1 round to apologise, but the upset neighbour has been awful to is a couple of times - on one occasions several years ago she threatened to get us and the dc beaten up by her sons, another time her dog got out and bit dd1 quite badly (needed stitches) and she refused to apologise when I approached her about this.

But, on the other hand, there she is an older lady and her husband died a few years ago, so I do think she is vulnerable. And I do expect dd1 to be careful about stamping on flowers.

So do I take dd1 to apologise, just talk to her about it, or something else?

OP posts:

Aquilla · 02/04/2019 14:31

Bugger that!

itsinchicago · 02/04/2019 14:32

Perhaps you could mildly ask your dd if she knows what happened to the daffodils and see what she says?

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 02/04/2019 14:37

Tell Dd not to crush flowers on purpose. Tell neighbour to fuck off. Unless I read it wrong she threatened to have two babies beaten up and didn’t give Ashitey when her dog seriously hurt your child.

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NoParticularPattern · 02/04/2019 14:37

Am I missing something? Do the daffodils even belong to this woman?! She might like to look at them and she could well spend time maintaining them, but if they’re on the village green they don’t belong to her any more than they belong to me or you! If your DD had jumped into her front garden and decimated her own flowers that might be different, but I don’t think she has any right to an apology for damage to flowers that aren’t hers. I’d just have a word with DD and make sure she knows that trampling flowers isn’t ok- different if it was an accident, but not if it were intentional.

Original poster

Stompythedinosaur · 02/04/2019 14:47

The daffodils aren't hers and aren't in her garden, but I think she might have spent time looking after them.

I think that dd1 should have known better than to trample them, and I will be speaking to her about it after school. It just seems a shame to ruin something nice!

I do accept that apologising when you upset someone or damage something is a good life lesson for dd1. That said, I really dislike this woman!

OP posts:

Ringsender2 · 02/04/2019 14:47

Your neighbour sounds horrible.

I'd mention to your DD not to step on living things then leave it at that. Sod flowers /card etc to this particular woman

Do you even know for sure what happened? (Ie what has your DD told you about it?)

Original poster

Stompythedinosaur · 02/04/2019 14:49

I haven't spoken to dd1 yet as she was on the school bus before I was told about it. I will see what she says when she comes home. She doesn't have form for damaging things and is generally pretty well behaved. She was playing football with two lads a couple of years older last night so I suspect they have trampled through the flowers to get the ball.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2019 14:49

I do accept that apologising when you upset someone or damage something is a good life lesson for dd1.

So I'd not being a complete mug and basing your actions on the opinions of others rather than your own moral compass. A more important one, I'd argue.

SosigDog · 02/04/2019 14:51

Her unpleasant behaviour towards you doesn’t justify you being inconsiderate towards her. It sounds like your disagreements were some years ago. I’d drop a card through the door to say sorry it won’t happen again, and speak to DD about respecting public flowers and other civic property that belongs to everyone.

Eliza9917 · 02/04/2019 14:51

I wouldn't send her to apologise. And I'd have reported her to the police for threatening children and for her dog biting your DD. What if your DD was 2 or something and the dog took her finger off or worse?

Magicpaintbrush · 02/04/2019 14:52

Let me get this straight; 1- this woman threatened to have you and your children beaten up 2 - her dog bit your dd and she refused to apologise, 3 - the daffodils in question aren't her daffodils. For goodness sake, why the actual f@ck are you even considering taking your child round there to apologise to this horrible aggressive woman? I wouldn't be taking my child anywhere near somebody who had threatened them. By all means teach your children not to trample flowers, but no apology to that woman is required here. I can't believe you're even considering it given the circumstances. She sounds like she is looking for excuses to pick a fight.

Noobcrumble · 02/04/2019 14:54

So...she wasn’t upset about her late husband committing fraud, in fact she threatened to have your young children beaten up!?
..and she wasn’t upset when her dog bit your child (which should have been reported to the Police) but she IS upset about some dead daffodils being walked over which aren’t even her property....................................................................I smell utter bullshit - she is far from vulnerable

Cafeculture · 02/04/2019 14:54

It's always important to emphasise to children the importance of being careful with plants and not playing on them or damaging them even though it's not deliberate, but absolutely no apology, flowers etc to the neighbour.

BlooperReel · 02/04/2019 14:58

So she is a vile woman who has threatened you and your DC with physical harm in the past, and the already dead flowers were on a public green, not her garden?

I'd tell her to do one.

BlueSkiesLies · 02/04/2019 15:01

Speak to your DD about not playing in flowers, but don’t take her to the nasty cow who threatens to have her beaten up!

tenbob · 02/04/2019 15:03

The daffodils aren't hers and aren't in her garden, but I think she might have spent time looking after them.

She hasn’t looked after them. Daffodils are super self sufficient
I lived next to a house with a totally abandoned garden which would have chest high weeds for most of the summer but the daffodils (which must have been planted a decade ago) always looked beautiful in the spring

LilQueenie · 02/04/2019 15:03

ignore. she threatened to have you beat up.

spugzbunny · 02/04/2019 15:05

As another poster has said .. daffodils don't take any looking after.

Speak to DD about damaging flowers but don't apologise to neighbour. They aren't hers and she's just being a busy body.

Laiste · 02/04/2019 15:11

hang on, wait

this woman's dog bit your child once and she didn't apologise

this woman has threatened to have her sons beat people up

the flowers were already gone over and are growing on common land

....

Don't be a mug OP. And don't turn your daughter into one.

IHateUncleJamie · 02/04/2019 15:13

She won’t have “looked after” the daffodils on a village green; daffodils planted in grass just look after themselves. In any case, the village green is not her garden.

As for this: she is an older lady and her husband died a few years ago, so I do think she is vulnerable

Nonsense. Just because a nasty aggressive person gets old, it doesn’t mean they suddenly become vulnerable and nice and need pandering to. Not all old people are nice, some need avoiding and this nasty woman is one of those.

All you need to do is nod and say you’ll talk to your dd. Don’t discuss it with this woman any further.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 02/04/2019 15:16

Have a word with your dd about the flowers, I’d be furious about that sort of wanton destruction myself. The taking her round to apologise I genuinely don’t understand; why would you?

If they were in her garden, maybe...

Original poster

Stompythedinosaur · 02/04/2019 15:20

Thanks for the info re daffodils, it was put across like she had been taking a lot of care of them.

I will go with just speaking to dd1 and not getting her to apologise I think.

OP posts:

CosyAsAToasty · 02/04/2019 15:28

So her dog bit your DD and her sons were going to be beating up and your family? I'd be handing her the dead daffodils on a plate.
However.....I would feel absolutely so smug if I were to take my DD to apologise, just to rub in to the old miserable bat that you've taken the higher ground and won't lower yourself to her level of a human being.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 02/04/2019 15:46

It seems to me that the fitting reaction is to talk to your daughter, find out what happened and, if appropriate, remind her about how to behave around public property.

The old woman's supposed upset is entirely irrelevant, as is her previous behaviour (except to the extent that she is clearly not the sort of person you would want to be sending written apologies to - the next thing you know she'll likely be trying to accuse you of criminal damage).

EnidButton · 02/04/2019 17:23

Daffs are the ultimate zero care garden flowers. Literally plant the bulbs and then leave them alone forever. Maybe cut them back when they die because they can look a bit scruffy but otherwise no care whatsoever. In fact it sounds like they needed cutting back if they'd finished so your dd saved her a job...

Maybe have a word about being more careful when outside near flowers, trees etc. But it's nothing to do with the neighbour really.

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