How would you handle an overbearing grandmother?

[cheshiregirl86]

Hi all, 3rd time pregnant, 2 rainbows, now 14w6d, finally starting to relax. Had a good relationship with MIL, but since telling her at 12w she's been a nightmare! We asked her to keep it private for a few weeks until it's safer, she told all of the family within 30 minutes before we had the chance to, we also asked her not to buy anything yet as we're nervous, so she's bought dozens of baby things, we said thank you but please stop, she ignored us and continued, we again said stop, gave them back, she has continued AGAIN, and has now asked to announce the pregnancy on Facebook, before we do. Given that she gets very upset every time we put the brakes on, how would you approach the problem?

Have you told her how much she’s upsetting you?

Your DH has to step in here and tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to stop. What about FIL, is he around to talk to about it?

Both DH and FIL have bluntly told her to stop, she gets upset each time, and cheers herself up by buying more baby things and hiding them, until she thinks it's ok to reveal, I'm at my wits end with her!

She really is making this all about her isn't she?

You and your husband need to tell her very clearly (and don't worry about upsetting her) that she is putting unnecessary pressure on you and that in turn is stressing the baby and may be affecting her/his future health - whether this is true or not.

Also as she's proven she cannot be trusted to consider your wishes I would not share any more sensitive or private news with her up to and including when you go into hospital for the birth.

Congratulations OP: I hope your MIL calms down soon. 🌷

Yes, don't worry about upsetting her. Her behaviour is out of order and you are all correct to keep telling her that.

And congratulations

don't share anything with her and promptly hand back or donate any gifts that you have said no to beforehand. She needs to learn to respect boundaries.

Congratulations! Definitely a job for DH, but I'd go softly softly, just because I think you'd get better results of getting her to be quiet rather than go in all guns blazing.

It would do my head in as well, although I understand why she might be excited, it's also overstepping the mark if the items are expected to be used by you in your home, I'd hate not being able to choose!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I really sympathise. I don’t know if there is a cure for someone who goes into crazy grandparent mode. It really is absolutely unacceptable that she announces anything on Facebook. You will probably have to be a bit rude to let her know that and upset her but you’ll have to be VERY clear or she’ll choose not to hear you.

After the baby is born I’ll just say that exclusive breastfeeding is your best friend in this situation. If you’re able to do it, stick with it. It stops overnights being possible when they are small or even having to hand the baby over for more than a little while.
Constantly having my boobs out saved me from a lot of family / social engagements my mil arranged to show off her grandchild. You can also get a break from everyone to feed in another room sometimes which is lovely.

Sorry went a bit off topic there. Don’t want to make this thread a feeding debate but just wanted to share my experience x

My mil hounded me from when we told her at 9 weeks (was really sick so dh told her)she constantly would say I don't get why you don't just tell everyone why you're ill.
Told her not to tell anyone until we were ready and that we wanted to tell Bil ourselves, got a text from them saying congratulations and that mil had said to them we'd told her to tell them! Pissed me right off.
Then it was put it on Facebook and why aren't you telling the world (wasn't ready shouldn't have to explain) but I finally cracked and chucked it up at 15weeks.
20 week scan rolled around and it was an awful experience the baby is healthy but I was treated really badly by staff that I've put a complaint in, I was so upset by it and overwhelmed that I no longer wanted to talk about the baby or pregnancy, she ignored this and brought loads of baby clothes into my house that I burst into tears and wouldn't drop the baby thing.
Now all she speaks to me is about the baby so I tend to just ignore the messages because I'm still a person and even though I'm pregnant I don't want to hear about baby shit 24/7.

So my advice is distance yourself for a bit and speak to dh because he can have a word with her.

It's as if I could have written that myself!! I've just been strongarmed into a Facebook post at 16 weeks as she was chomping at the bit to do it for us, and I was only lamenting last night that all I'm ever asked about now is baby stuff or intrusive questions about dh, I'm basically just the vessel for the second coming in her eyes

@cheshiregirl86 it must be awful for them to have to deal with us having personalities and not just being vessels for their grandkids!!!

My mil posted our engagement online before I'd even told my family which is why I have the fear she'll put up photos of the baby online before I've even showered post birth.😒

Seriously they do not stop with their shit and I'm actually surprised she hasn't had told everyone the sex of the baby yet. Does yours dictate what is acceptable clothing because mine does...😂

Congratulations btw but you have my sympathies on the in law front! 💕

Well we've had the Christmas Day outfit chosen for us, their first pair of shoes oh and the hospital outfit too yaaaay! After the 4th reminder in 3 weeks to please stop buying, I ended up having a big bleed and the nerves became even worse.... cue MIL appearing with an overflowing bag of over 50 items!!! We've been gentle this whole time with her but I'll be honest- I snapped. I text to point out that she's overstepping, making me upset, her son angry, and I need to remind her that it's our child... went down like a lead balloon as you'd expect, I shouldn't have lost my temper I know but the ignorance is reaching unbelievable heights and being gentle was just causing me to stress to the brink of miscarriage. I totally get why you're worried she'll announce the birth for you, I feel the exact same way. My plan atm is to tell my family first, then his, THEN his parents, they'll be allowed to visit in the hospital but after that we're asking for the first week to be just the 3 of us. Again, this will probably make me a terrible person in her eyes but I've reached the point of not caring, we need a week away from her to learn how to be a family without being pushed out of the way so she can take yet another video. We're going to have a stock freezer of batch cooked meals, and we've accepted the house will look like a warzone, id rather sacrifice the potential odd meal cooked in favour of some peace and quiet!

You need to nip this in the bud as it doesn’t stop. My DM went into competitive parent mode with my DD - wanted my DD to call her Mummy, she did the first hair cut, bought the first shoes, etc. She won’t listen to reason and even now, 21 years later, is insisting on trumping all of DD’s 21st birthday presents. I would probably have a good relationship with my DM if she respected boundaries but all she’s done is to drive me away.

I’ve also had 5 pregnancies with 2 surviving children. Your DH needs to tell your MIL then you are both being cautious until little one arrives safely, otherwise all this OTTness will upset you.

Oh my god that's awful! I'm already anticipating our wishes for whole foods nutrition and social media privacy will be ignored, but your DM has unlocked a secret bonus level of boundary overstepping there, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that! In a way I'm glad that my MIL showed her colours early, as it means I'll be able to put in place limits and battle plans well ahead of time, they'll get to see their grandchildren of course, but it will be supervised, a weekend afternoon visit with us there too etc, I'll be staying at home to care 24/7 and we have a nursery directly across the road should I ever need time off, but in our world, grandparents are an accessory not a necessity, I think she's got a harsh wake up call coming!