What have you done that still haunts you?

[RocketSurgery]

When I was training to be a nurse in our first year we had to do a few weeks in various different environments. One of my placements was in a preschool and I was really, really loving it. Until after about a week when one of the teachers asked for a quiet word and said that a couple of parents had complained that I’d called their children a nonce. I apologised and said I didn’t realise it would upset anyone and what should I call them if they are being a bit of a nonce. I then remember teacher looking at me as if I had gone mad and said ‘Um, what do you think a nonce is?’ I thought it meant a nitwit/ silly billy/ a bit daft . That was over 15 years ago now and I still get cold sweats thinking about it.

I have toothache and can’t sleep so please someone tell me something you’ve done that is more embarrassing than that.

I've mentioned this on ebefore

My son was around 9 and out of the blue asked me what a Porn shop was.

I said it was where they sold films of people kissing and cuddling, photos of ladies in underwear and tried to describe it in a suitable manner.

He was quite bemused at my wittering on and asked me why Lisa Simpson from The Simpson's had taken her Saxophone to one.

CRINGE. He was asking about a PAWN shop!

When I gave birth to my DD I sh*t myself. I had a water birth and I didn't care at the time anyway. I'm sure I'm not the only one. But the thing that makes me cringe is when they drained the pool you could smell it so I had to go and find someone and ask her to clean my poop up
"Erm.. excuse me.. but.. erm.. please can you clean my poop out the birthing pool, because erm.. it kinda smells?"
Never did find my dignity after that

I have to admit I was 39 before I realised what the rhythm method was, I thought it was something completely different and a lot more fun than it was explains why I have 2 out of my 3 kids lol, also was 32 before I realised that eating cooking chocolate didn't give you the runs because my mum had always told us that so we didnt nick her baking supplies when we were small.

OP I think we could be friends

I once went to get a bulb changed at Halfords and they wanted me to test it by pressing the brake light. It wasn't working so they tried another bulb, then another, then another... until
I said "oh actually I'm pressing the clutch" then all of the sudden the bulb worked 🤦🏻‍♀️

I mistakenly asked a guy with learning difficulties to pack my bags at the supermarket : turns out he was a customer I still feel embarrassed now about it

RocketSurgery I love your story about car sculptures!

When I was young I had 'live in' accommodation with my job. One day, bf and I are having sex, when the owner just walks in to my room to ask me something, fucking mortified, I left about a week later

Two episodes:

We had stopped at a service station and took the kids into MacDs for a snack. I nipped into the loo with one of the girls. We couldn’t use the first loo because it was an absolute state. So on the way out I had stern words with the toilet attendant about the state of the toilets. He stared opened mouthed at me and my dh who was behind me. Then he went and sat down with his wife to finish his meal. He was a customer.

The other episode was when I ordered a Tall Larder Fridge online and when it arrived it had marks on the side of it. I rang the company and they sent the delivery men back to collect. Just as the men were entering the house I noticed that when I put my hand infront of the marks they disappeared. There were no marks it was the spotlights from the kitchen shining on the fridge. I felt such a plonker!

When I was 16 I worked Saturdays in a florist. I was asked to write up the little messages on the cards and one of them was all initials.

I hadn't a clue what it was meant to say and instead of asking someone, I just assumed that the initials on the card had some secret meaning to the recipient so went ahead and wrote a secret code card and popped it in with the flowers.

Apparently the recipient was so upset she cried and it caused a huge complaint

I've many more stupid things I've done but this one always sticks.

decor that’s brilliant

In a really noisy bar, got chatting to a vague acquaintance. Couldn't quite hear what he was saying, apart from that he was going on holiday to Mexico. I asked for how long, and he put his hand up in the air. I thought he hadn't heard me, and was trying to high-five me in jubilation at his upcoming trip. So I gave his hand a good healthy high-five in return. His face was a picture of confusion. Turns out he'd been trying to mime "five weeks" over the noise of the bar.

A few weeks after having my son my pils took him out to their house so I could have a rest. I was feeling 'strange' down below and decided when they had gone i'd close the blinds and get a mirror to check out my 'down below' stitches. I had my joggers and knickers off and laid on the couch with legs apart...then my fil walked in to pick up the changing bag they had forgotten. As soon as the door creaked open I shot up to sitting position. I'm not sure what he thought I was doing and I still feel awkward 9 years later. I always think he's thinking I was masturbating

I also went on a long hike with pils and half was through I sharted myself.

I seem to spend my life correcting people about 'nonce'

You have all definitely made me feel better that I’m not the only one who didn’t know what a nonce was!

Mrs scamander I don't get it? X

@MrsScamander neither do I

Aged 20 I went to stay at my boyfriends parents house for the weekend. His parents were away so we had the place to ourselves. On the Sunday morning we were enjoying some very noisy sex when I heard someone banging around in the kitchen. It was his older sister who had a key and had popped by to see us. She tried her best to pretend she hasn't heard anything but it was a tiny house she must have heard a lot . I have never quite got over the embarrassment and it's been the best part of 30 years. My boyfriend and I broke up not long after so at least I haven't had to face her again!

The card had a message saying "H B mum, L O L Dave" or something along those lines.

Instead of writing "Happy Birthday mum, lots of love Dave" I wrote the above message because I didn't know the abbreviations. So the lady got a card that didn't make any sense.

Joking around with a colleague and said something without thinking which could be construed as horribly racist. If it had been a different colleague, I could have been in so much trouble. I still think about it and break out into a cold sweat now!!

Are some of these things really haunting people? Seriously?

@MrsScamander I don't get yours - what was the card supposed to say?

ah. Sorry missed explanation

I have a friend I 'met' online. We would chat daily, I knew her very well, but had never actually met her face to face. One day, we ended up at the same venue for a concert. We weren't sitting near each other but we made banners with each other's names on and had identified each other across the space. She was wearing a bright outfit so in the interval I went off to where she was standing with her back to me. I tapped her very familiarly on the shoulder and said cheerily 'hellooooo!' The way you would when you finally meet someone face to face after talking to them online for months. She turned round and......it was a complete stranger, wearing a similar outfit to my friend. I think I said something lame like 'great concert isn't It?' and then got away as quickly as I could. My friend was probably a few paces away but I was so mortified at the thought that she might have just seen me tap the wrong person on the back that I had to get away.

I have the exact same problem with the word twat, if you're local and of a similar age to me, it's interchangeable with the word twit. In a large open plan office in another town, turns out not so much.