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Original poster

Relief when narcissistic mother dies

15 replies

pndworries · 01/04/2019 19:18

Is the relief huge?
I feel so guilty but I can’t wait. I detest how she treats me and I detest how she has made me into what I am now and the only time I can see it will end is when she dies.
I just can’t bear it anymore
Is the only way it ends once she’s gone ?

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 01/04/2019 19:23

You need to come on the Stately home thread. Thanks

avocadoincident · 01/04/2019 19:24

"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic familieswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3436970-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Badtasteflump · 01/04/2019 19:31

Is the only way it ends once she’s gone?

No. You can make the decision to take control of your own life now. It’s hard but then so is spending every day feeling miserable. And YY to the Stately Homes thread Flowers

Cheeredrightup · 01/04/2019 20:22

(NC for this).
My mother died on Saturday (March 30th) night, which lifted my spirits no end. It's nice to be able to admit it here. There will be no funeral. Straight to crematorium it is.

Original poster
pndworries · 01/04/2019 20:44

I’m so glad I’m not alone I feel so guilty I’m one hand but I just want this nightmare over she’s destroyed me since day 1 and I sob when I look at my own children as I cannot understand how she can be so cruel to her own child
I’m so messed up she’s ruined me

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 01/04/2019 20:49

Is your mum poorly? npdworries

Cheeredrightup · 01/04/2019 20:49

I can certainly empathise. I've been on antidepressants all my life. Thank goodness I have a good relationship with my daughter. I have always been maternal, whereas neither of my parents wanted any children and somehow decided I should suffer for having been conceived. My mother was 2 weeks off her 99th birthday when she died. I'd begun to think she was trying to outlive me.

funmummy48 · 01/04/2019 21:01

I've been no contact with my mother for 13 years. One of my earliest memories as a child was working out how old I might be when she died and how long I'd have left to live my own life without her terrifying me. When she finally goes, I'll be a very happy bunny!

SplinterSplit · 01/04/2019 21:13

I'm in a similar boat to you lot. NC for 10yrs now. Can I ask what happened with your dm's to make you feel like this? I'm curious because I've never met anyone similar in real life. Mine walked out when I was a child & never looked back.

Cheeredrightup · 01/04/2019 21:30

funmummy48 and pndworries I just hope you don't have to wait as long as I did.

Of course, the relief when they're gone doesn't compensate in any way for a lifetime without any love or bond and the psychological consequences and effect on self-worth.

It would be preferable and far more normal to be suffering now because I had had a loving relationship and happy memories and so grieving and feeling bereaved. That's a normal, if very sad, part of life.

It really is "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all".

Original poster
pndworries · 01/04/2019 21:34

No she’s not ill and I hate to say it but I wish she was I just can’t cope with her psychological warfare and evilness any longer
I’ve been going through a bad time lately and it’s really hit home how low she will stoop. She didn’t just decide to not help me but decided to really kick me when I’m down deliberately causing more problems orvengineering situations to cause me maximum stress and hurt when I finally called her out on it she immediate becomes the victim or pretends nothing ever happened as if she can erase or change MY memory
She will goad me and be foul then when I cry or lost my temper smirks at me and says what a dreadful mother I am raising my voice whilst holding a baby

She was emotionally and physically abusing towards me when I was a child/teen till I left home and to an extent I was brainwashed as for a long time into my twenties believed I was at fault and caused it/deserved it

OP posts:
Original poster
pndworries · 01/04/2019 21:36

Very occasionally she will suddenly have a few days of being over the top false nice yet stupidly I then think maybe she’s changed then she comes back worse than before

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 01/04/2019 21:37

I'm currently NC with my DM for 3 months and tbh it's killing me. It's always been like this. If I don't do as she says, thinks or wants she won't talk to me. She's done it all my life. I hate it I really do, and I'm at the point now where I just can't deal with the hurt anymore so wondering should I just not bother speaking to her anymore and make the decision myself, but I worry when she dies it'll hurt a whole lot more.
She's only 68.
I just don't want to go on like this forever. I have 2 DD myself and wouldn't want to threaten them with this no talking lark.

BartonHollow · 01/04/2019 21:37

I can and do relate, in my case it's not my mother (though she does have traits) it's another relative and I can safely say that the only emotion I will feel at their death is relief

Thanks
EffYouSeeKaye · 01/04/2019 21:46

End contact. Get away and start living your life. Flowers

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