16 year old with chronic anxiety, won't get off her phone at night

[lottiebel123]

she's struggling hugely with anxiety and has done for past few years. She's under the care of CAMHS (useless) and we've also paid for private therapy too in the past. She says she needs her phone as it helps with the panic attacks, but she just wont get up in the morning cos she's tired. She says she can't fall asleep until 4am and she can't see the connection between mobile phone use and being awake all night.

The school have put her on reduced timetable as her panic attacks were causing her to leave the classroom constantly.
She starts her GCSEs next month and is predicted to do very well.
It's so hard because about 80% of this is her anxiety and about 20% teen attitude. I know she's very very anxious (stems from emetophobia) but her attitude to me is absolutely vile. She tells me to fuck off when I try to wake her up. She's horrible to her siblings. She's rude. She leaves mess where she walks, leaves rubbish by the bin, not in the bin. She doesn't lift a finger around the house at all. She calls me names every day. She thinks it's my job to wake her up in the morning. She's 16 years old! I know she's got mental health issues, but sometimes I need to leave for work/school run for younger sibling and can't spend up to an hour nagging her to get out of bed. She takes no responsibility for getting herself up and ready.

CAMHS are useless. I'm not sure if her mental health issues mean that it's acceptable for her to speak to me like shit daily and to expect me to wake her up every day? And if the panic attacks mean that it would be mean of me to remove her phone at night and anyway at 16, shouldn't she be a bit more self governing? She's not a small child really at 16, she's a young person. It's having a huge impact on my mental health and her younger sister, who is picked on constantly.
I guess my question is to what degree does her mental health issue excuse her from being horrid and expecting me to run around after her?
I'm so sick of it. It's been going on for years and I know I sound like a cow, but the daily grind of listening to her rudeness and insolence and not knowing when she's going to get better, is soul destroying. She's had lots of expensive therapy, CBT, talk therapy, beats blockers for anxiety and the school are helping too. I think she's waiting/hoping to be fixed and doesn't think she plays any part in her own journey to being mentally well again, if that makes sense? Sorry, all a bit jumbled as I'm very stressed. It would be good to hear from anyone experiencing similar.

I suffer from a severe phobia and sometimes I do use my phone as a very effective distraction (I’m doing it now...). However, although it feels an immediate fix I know that long term I’m happier and calmer when I’m not stuck to a screen. If phones weren’t in wanted I think I’d have learnt to cope with my anxiety a different way.

Not sure if that helps. I guess I’m saying I I understand her feeling of need but ultimately She may well do better if you take a hard line and remove phones from bedrooms.

You are paying for the phone so take it off her until she can use it sensibly

I guess my biggest problem is how do I get an anxious teen to get up and get ready for school if she wont? And how do I get her to take some responsibility for her behaviour?

Anxiety is no excuse for behaving like a brat.

She doesn't think she plays any part in her own journey to being mentally well again, if that makes sense
Well, at 16 she should certainly be, and therapists will have told her this. She should have a range of strategies to use when she's feeling anxious. She's never going to get better unless she accepts responsibility for it. Nobody can get into her head and fix her. Only she can do that.

She can use her phone for useful things like e.g the Headspace app, but being on a device all night has been proven to INCREASE anxiety and make it worse.

She needs a good bedtime routine and to enagge with better self-care: warm bath, relaxing, meditation.

Her phone is actually making her WORSE. Until she's mature enough to realise that, you need to step up and be the parent. Take it off her. You wouldn't let a 2yo be on a phone all night, and nor should you let a 16yo.

And this:
She's horrible to her siblings. She's rude. She leaves mess where she walks, leaves rubbish by the bin, not in the bin. She doesn't lift a finger around the house at all. She calls me names every day.

Only you know whether her anxiety is so bad that it's making her act like this, but it's a terrible example to her siblings, it's terrible for you and it's not great for her. Tell her that she needs to sort herself out as nobody else would put up with her acting like this to them. No partner would. Is she nice to her friends?

to you. I know how stressful it is to manage a dc with anxiety. It's very hard. Must be even harder if your dc is being so horrible to you. Make sure you look after yourself.

@Bittern11 that's what I think (that's it's no excuse)
For example, she's supposed to be in school at 11.30 today. She's still in bed. I've tried to wake her about 20 times. She told me to fuck off. She said she'd start throwing stuff if I didn't leave her room. So I did. I've given up. She can sleep in and miss school again. Natural consequences. Or should I continue to try getting her up?
I have to leave in about an hour. I know that when she wakes up, she'll tell me that I'm a shit parent for not getting her up and that I should've been more forceful (taking her duvet off etc, doesn't make a fig of difference when I do that) I have removed the phone before, but she still stays up all night and usually ends up self harming or throwing stuff around her room in anger.

I’d be more forceful. Stand over her bed and demand she gets up. Draw the curtains, pull the covers off her, turn the radio on loud, tell her it’s the first day of the rest of her life and you will no longer put up with rudeness. She has one life and she has to take advantage of it and you’re ill not stand by and let her waste her life and ruin yours.

Turn the WiFi off. Cancel the contract if you pay for it. Only give her the contract back if she starts regularly attending school.

@Meshpregnancy yes, I know we need to do this again. The last time I got more forceful, she was physically violent. Throwing stuff, pushing me, etc..if I'm honest, I'm actually a bit scared of her (because she trashes her room or throws stuff at me when I remove her phone, for example) I know, pathetic

Try chucking water over her to get her up. Not very nice to do but she won't want to stay in a soggy bed.
It's gonna cause issues to begin with but create a no phones/tablets/devices after x time for the whole household? Get a box that locks and everyone has to put everything in there at say 7pm unless there's a good reason not to eg if you or your partner needs a phone on you in case of emergency.
And tell her every time she's horrible to her siblings. Maybe don't punish her because that can worsen mental health if done wrong but just say "don't talk to your sibling like that" every time. Might get her to think about how she talks as she may do it without realising

She may well expose after the initial confli t of taking the phone away but she's not stupid and will have to tow the line if she wants it back.

My DD (16) had recently stopped using her phone so much she has become much more relaxed, and admits to being less stressed. Maybe you have to force the issue, for her own good. May be short term pain for long term gain?