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Original poster

Cancelling wedding

22 replies

unusualcolours · 01/04/2019 07:25

My partner and I booked our wedding for this autumn in early 2017. We started having problems last October but we were working things through and he always reassured me that we wouldn’t be cancelling the wedding and that we would work things out. We are getting back on track and have been going through therapy and he is starting medication for depression. At therapy last week he said he didn’t want to get married, the wedding is tainted with all the problems we’ve had and that he would hate being the centre of attention all day. I have no idea where this has all come from and I’m devastated. He says it’s the depression and that I should support him (I will always support him), but surely I am allowed to be upset that our wedding is to be cancelled? We had our venues booked, I have a dress, decorations, invites. I just feel so selfish that I am so upset and I have said that cancelling our wedding is a big mistake and that it will affect our relationship going forward. What do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

unusualcolours · 01/04/2019 07:28

Obviously I am upset that I am not getting married and it is the marriage part that I am upset about. I shave always said that I would be happy with a registry office aimple wedding and there is so much family drama but he always said no we would have our family there. Our booked wedding was tiny, small ceremony venue then a restaurant. Just wanted to clarify it’s not the wedding I’m upset about it’s the marriage bit.

OP posts:

Sonicknuckles · 01/04/2019 07:28

Poor you. I don't think that is a good sign. Why doesn't he want to marry you?

Chottie · 01/04/2019 07:28

I'm sorry to say this, but if your DP is having doubts, listen to him and cancel / postpone the wedding. For whatever reasons, he is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want to get married.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Relationship problems Weddings

SeeYouLaterUserData · 01/04/2019 07:31

I would cancel. And I would be very upset about it.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 01/04/2019 07:35

Seriously, the bit before the wedding should be lovely, not full of problems. It’s very sad, but it’s time to accept the relationship is not going to last. So yes, cancel the wedding and yes, you are allowed to be very upset.

Dvg · 01/04/2019 07:37

Probably a good idea if your already having to have councilling and orevious issues BUT i wouldn't be staying unfortunately, He doesnt want to be married to you and that most likely wont change

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/04/2019 07:40

Yes to cancelling the wedding but with it I would be seriously thinking long term of how this is going to play out.

HotpotLawyer · 01/04/2019 07:48

How very upsetting. Of course you are allowed to be upset, very upset!

I wouldn’t be surprised if he needed time to work out what is cjmjng from depression and what is his actual feeling. But in truth, if you are needing counselling now and things are very difficult, it sounds as if it would be best to put it off, at least.

You say you will always support him. But what if that did mean a whole lifetime of this? Supporting him, expected to control your own upset in ‘support ‘ of his?

Would you feel strong enough to have children in this circumstance?

It is a tricky thing. It might be good to step back and gain some perspective for a few months.

lunar1 · 01/04/2019 07:49

Let him sort out cancelling the wedding and informing everyone and dealing with the money stuff.

Then you need to make choices for yourself, do you really want to stay in this relationship? There really does come a point where too much hurt has happened to forgive.

EluphNaugeMeop · 01/04/2019 07:49

Sorry to hear this.
Yes cancelling the wedding is probably the best plan and yes of course it is OK to be sad about it. Him being critical of you being sad is a big red flag that he may actually be an arsehole.

Are there any kids? If not and if you aren't actually splitting up at this stage then double up your protection pronto. You mustn't risk bringing a new life into this situation while it is unclear what might happen next.

MudCity · 01/04/2019 08:02

I’m so sorry OP. Cancel the wedding and take some time for yourself. Spend time with friends, nurture yourself, be kind to yourself.

Of course you are allowed to be upset. It is very sad. However, I think you need to postpone any wedding until a time when he is (hopefully) better. Be careful not to wait around forever though. Set a date in your mind as to how long you will wait for him (no need to tell him) and stick to it.

I may sound callous but in my experience, people with depression can naturally end up ‘calling the shots’ in a relationship, controlling when and how things happen. This can put a huge amount of pressure on their partner whose needs can be forgotten as everything centres around the person with depression.

Don’t forget your own needs OP.

for you.

moosesormeece · 01/04/2019 08:07

Supporting someone with poor mental health doesn't mean pretending you don't have any feelings of your own about what's going on. I'm married to a man with issues up the wazoo and he's never asked that of me.

It's good that he's starting medication for his depression but it won't go away overnight. Postponing the wedding until you're both in a better position to see what your long term relationship will look like is probably not a bad idea.

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/04/2019 08:14

I agree with mudcity. It's ok to be upset, and hopefully he is supportive of you dealing with this. Please don't wait around too long for him to change his mind.

EvaHarknessRose · 01/04/2019 08:16

You have feelings too. Its very upsetting and you too must decide what you want now the wedding is cancelled. Depression doesn’t get to hold you hostage. Take a step back if you need or want to. Get angry if you need to.

Prettyvase · 01/04/2019 08:47

Op he is being truthful and honest and you must listen to him!

He is telling you loudly and clearly that the relationship itself is toxic to his mental health yet he has tried through having counseling to fight it for your sake.

He has done everything he can over a long period now to try and work things out with you but has come to accept it's never going to work.

He knows you are going to be devastated which is why he has tried to let you down gently. He sounds like a kind and thoughtful man

Please take the hint now for both your sakes.

He does not want to marry you.

Cancel the wedding and be kind to him and thank him for being so brave to have the courage not to go through it.

He knows you are hurting op. But you need to stop clinging on to a fantasy and let him go and let him be.

Swallow your pride and move on in as caring and not bitter way as you can.

Some relationships just don't work and yours is one of them and it's no one's fault.

Be kind to yourself but let him go with your blessing.

Original poster

unusualcolours · 01/04/2019 08:48

We have a daughter together, he asked me to marry him just after she was born.

He has always dodged the subject of marriage, we have been together for 9 years.

He started suffering with depression and then our relationship became rocky, I put it down to stress of new baby and his job. He started getting help for his depression and he didn’t enjoy it. We then started the therapy ourselves and he has started the medication.

I have so many emotions right now and I have no idea how to process them and deal with it. I feel selfish that I am so angry and upset. He hasn’t said to postpone. I’m not sure I want to postpone and then have to cancel again if he’s not ready. It has to be completely cancelled and I’m not sure if it will ever be the same again. Is this overly dramatic?

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 01/04/2019 08:51

'I will always support him' is a bold statement op.
Ime there is a fine line between depression and being a twat.
Don't put his happiness before your own.
He isn't prepared to vow to put you first remember.

Bittern11 · 01/04/2019 08:54

He says it’s the depression and that I should support him (I will always support him), but surely I am allowed to be upset that our wedding is to be cancelled?

This rings alarm bells. You don't always have to support him with everything. Depression is not an excuse for being a twat.

If he's always 'dodged the subhect of marriage', it sounds like he's using the depression as an excuse not to marry you.

You are allowed to be upset. Very upset. And you are allowed to make a decision about what you want to happen with your relationship in future.

Original poster

unusualcolours · 01/04/2019 09:03

We have a daughter together, he asked me to marry him just after she was born.

He has always dodged the subject of marriage, we have been together for 9 years.

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 01/04/2019 09:05

You're in therapy before you're even married. Call it off. The relationship doesn't sound great tbh.

Prettyvase · 01/04/2019 12:59

Completely toxic op.

Unless you are trained in mental health you might be doing more harm than good by being co dependent.

Either way you have a child and your child should be your priority.

Is your child in a safe, secure environment to grow up in happily? Living with a person with depression impacts others and can be very stressful and damaging.

I should know as my mother suffered throughout my childhood with depression and it ruined my and my siblings lives as she allowed it to impact negatively on all of us every conceivable way including blaming us for being in her life.

I wouldn't wish that sad life on any child if you can avoid it.

Happynow001 · 02/04/2019 04:28

At therapy last week he said he didn’t want to get married, the wedding is tainted with all the problems we’ve had and that he would hate being the centre of attention all day

Sorry @unusualcolours He's telling you loud and clear that he does not want to marry.

He has always dodged the subject of marriage, we have been together for 9 years.

He started suffering with depression and then our relationship became rocky

Perhaps in the euphoria of your daughter's birth he thought he did but not any more.

Perhaps you should back away and cancel (not postpone) the arrangements and try and recover as much of your wedding expenses as possible. Keep up with the counselling and see where that leads you both but bear in mind this cannot go on forever. And, sadly, maybe avoid having any more children whilst you are going through this. A newborn would add extra pressure for you both and perhaps your daughter - and make it harder for you if you do end up separating. Good luck OP and take support from friends and family when it is offered.

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