Help me not cry at the thought of returning to work after maternity leave

[cornflakes5]

I'm going back to work next month after a year-long maternity leave.

Even last week, I thought I was ready and quite glad really, as DD has been a really tricky, needy baby and my mental health has suffered, but the last couple of days I've been feeling so sad about it. The smallest thing is making me cry.

DD was EBF, and has been very much glued to me since birth - until very recently she's been co-sleeping with us and she's also slung everywhere (not by choice either). We've not been apart for more than a couple of hours at a time, and the thought of a whole day apart makes me feel dreadful.

DD will be going to a nanny share, and I'm worried she won't adjust, or the nanny will tell us it's not working out (her current charge is a very easygoing baby). This is also very much on my mind.

Help me pull myself together! Tell me it'll be ok. Tell me how you felt when you first went back to work, and the things that helped you feel better.

It'll be ok - really and honestly. Your feeling natural thoughts which i assume most women do. If she can't deal with your baby then she's clearly not a good fit for you but somebody else will be.

Thank you @PH03b3 I just hadn't expected to feel so bereft all of a sudden...

I’m also feeling like this, had some KIT days but only for a few hours. My LO will be in nursery 4 days a week and I feel constantly guilty with pangs of sadness.

I’m so sorry I can’t help but definitely a handhold. Course it will be fine and best to do it now rather than leave it later when they will struggle to adjust to the change even more.

Oh and I definitely didn’t expect to feel like this either!

It was four years ago for me and my now five yo sounds like she was very much like your DC. It is completely normal to feel like that. Driving away from my DD's nursery on first day was pretty horrific but getting back to a job I mainly like, using my brain again and speaking to adults really helped my mental health and sense of identity. Did feel guilty (of course) and longer to see her but made weekends and days off more special. DD is now much more independent but we still have a lovely bond. Also feel a great to contribute financially to family but must admit at times I did want to guvevuo work entirely. Strange tightrope we walk on. Good luck. X

*longer, not longer!
*give up, not guevuvo!??

It will genuinely be OK but you need to start a gradual "ungluing" process asap - don't wait any longer but start your baby going to the nanny share now if possible, or as soon as practically manageable. The first 3 or 4 weeks settling to a new childcare scenario can be tough, you don't want to combine that with also getting back into a professional headspace.

Returning to work will be good for your own health and wellbeing and will therefore also be good for your baby in the long run. Your baby will be absolutely fine and will settle into a fun and valuable routine with the nanny share. It will all work out well.

It's OK to feel like this, and really normal. It's the end of one phase of being a mother and the beginning of the next. Are you continuing to bf your dd? If you want to carry on, she will adjust to waiting for you. If you've resently stopped, some women find it can cause quite a serious drop in mood. Good luck, make the most of your last few weeks.

It's normal to feel this way. The first few weeks may feel hard (I found the second day the hardest) but it really will be ok after that.

Your DD will probably cry and make you feel awful, but she will cope and she will come to love her nanny (obviously not as much as she loves you!)

As an aside, a nanny share is a fantastic experience. Our DD is still really close to the child she did a nanny share with (and his younger sibling who joined them later). It's almost like a cousin relationship, and has certainly enriched her life. It worked very well on a practical level too

I go back 4 weeks on Wednesday and whilst I think I'm looking forward to it (DD is an 8 month whirlwind of terror who needs constant entertainment) I am equally dreading it and cry at the silliest things. It's our last rhythm time next week and I'll probably be beside myself.

She's also quite clingy with me at the moment which isn't helping so I'm worrying about leaving her. Hope our settling in sessions at nursery go OK, she'll be there 4 full days a week

Thank you everyone for your really valuable comments.

@EluphNaugeMeop I completely agree the ungluing needs to start ASAP. I've asked the nanny a couple of times how she wants to do settling in but she seems quite cavalier, saying whatever I want and just meet up and see. My friends' babies who went to childminders and nurseries all had quite regimented settling in. What do you reckon I should ask for?

@Her0utdoors I haven't stopped BF but I've cut down quite a bit recently - most of it happened naturally with sleep training. That perhaps explains why I feel glum! I don't want to stop completely, just to keep that nice coziness a bit longer.

@nordicwannabe I'm glad you had a good nanny share experience. We've never done this before, but it's a lovely family and the nanny seems nice too. Do you have any advice on how to make it work well? Did the two families start at the same time or did one of you join the other? We're joining them and I'm a bit worried our DD will not slot in - she's a tricky character!

I go back at the end of May. Not dreading it in that I know I will be fine at work and baby will be fine as well, more just don’t fancy it really.

Sending you solidarity anyway.

It is a very emotional time - I remember gulping back tears as I scurried to the tube after abandoning DS to his fate. But he adjusted beautifully, and by the end of the week I was skipping down Bishopsgate enjoying the freedom, and also enjoying him more on non-work days.

When I was dreading it, I just kept repeating that if it didn't work well, I would take more leave, and try again later. It kind of took the pressure off while I stepped over the mental hurdle of leaving baby time and going back to the real world.

I went back to work after 6 months with my oldest. I had a 50 mile commute, on the first day I left him I cried for the whole journey. Within an hour of being back at work I was showing a family around the project I managed and it was like I had never been away and more importantly it felt good . He is 15 now and has survived! It's hard but you will be fine

It'll be fine. I too had some KIT days during maternity leave and I enjoyed them! Just think of seeing your baby's face when you come back through the door after work, it will be all worth it! Good luck! Just think of having a nice cuppa, place it on your desk and dipping a biccie in it, all to yourself and not having to worry about it being knocked over. And then in the afternoon a nice chocolate bar to congratulate yourself for eating it all in one go - without interruptions!

I've seen loads of women cry on their first day back it's very common and the ones that ring the nursery every 15 minutes. Don't worry if you are amongst them it will soon be the new normal.

You probably will cry on your first day back, I did. The thought of not being there if my little baby needed me was just too much. I think it's completely normal. And if you have a second child, trust me that it will be a completely different experience and you'll be skipping back to work longing for some adult conversation and time to do something for yourself!

I'd definitely recommend having some settling in sessions, if your DD takes a while to settle in then you'll be around and can pick her up earlier if needed, rather than being stressed about maybe having to leave work early if you've only just started back.

It takes everyone a while to get used to the change, so go easy on yourself to start with.

I was so worried when my DD started with her nanny, very similar circumstances to you by the sound of it.

In our case nanny was 1:1 rather than a share, but we started by just having a couple of days where we’d catch up for a few hours. It worked better for us if DD went out, being at home without me made her more upset at first. Are there any groups the current charge goes to where your daughter could come and join a session, or could you meet up at the park or similar? We had 2 weeks of gradual handover which worked pretty well, but with hindsight could have managed with less.

I have accepted I will be crying on day one, and have stocked up on waterproof mascara.

@gothicsprout we're all going to hang out at the current family's house this week, then the nanny is coming here to do some one-on-one time. Next week, I plan to drop her off for an hour or two, and then next time maybe two to three hours. Do you think I should get the nanny to do a trial nap as well before I head back to work? That's the trickiest bit I think.

@cornflakes5 if you’re worried about it then can’t hurt to ask your nanny to give it a go but don’t worry too much, they have experience! My nanny gets DD to sleep totally differently to me - even after I went back to work she would still feed to sleep with me for preference for example, but for the nanny she’ll go to sleep with a cuddle or in the buggy while they’re out walking.

Imo going back to work is significantly worse in the anticipation than in the reality. Most women I've talked to who dreaded it actually settled back in fast and enjoyed being able to reactivate their work selves. Nanny share has been great for us as well.

You'll be fine and so will she.

It really will be okay, and it's completely normal to feel like this. Over the next twelve months, your baby is going to become a toddler, and will start to need more interaction with other children, so being in a childcare setting will be good for them, and they'll get so much out of it. When I think back to how DD changed between 12-24 months, so much of it was down to being around other children, and not just me all the time, and she really did benefit from it a lot.

If you can, I really recommend using your work day to do some stuff that's for you. Go to an exercise class in your break, or get a haircut, or just take time to read a book while you eat lunch. It's hard adjusting back to life when it changes, but one of the advantages of being back at work is you can do stuff that you can't do when you're with the kids all day!

I still remember feeling like this when I had to go back to work and my baby is now thirteen 😂

I was so distraught and was awful to DH as I wanted to stay at home. I was also scared things would have changed drastically since I was away.

Anyway. First morning back was hard but in fact nothing has changed and work was so busy I didn't have time to be distraught.

Be kind to yourself. You'll be 100% ok.

What you're feeling is normal, after my mat leave with DS1 I was a basket case for weeks before I went back to work (after DS2 I practically skipped back to work...). It will be fine, honestly it will. You will probably also enjoy getting a bit of yourself back and I really believe that kids benefit loads from some time away from their parents.

Thank you everyone for being so lovely and reassuring. I feel tonnes better.

@gothicsprout thank you for your reply re nanny. The nanny seems very competent and has dealt with tricky babies before, so hopefully she'll be ok with DD.

@SoHotADragonRetired would you mind me asking how you found nanny share? I'm a bit worried about the misalignment between DD and the other baby's nap schedules causing the nanny grief and making her quit. We're going to align DD to the other baby as much as possible, but she's tricky to put down (has been fed to sleep until very recently, and still protesting HARD about it) and I'm a bit apprehensive she'll try and throw in the towel!