Not sure where to start! I don't even know if this is the right place to post.
DD is 8. Also have a DS4. We are at the end of our tether with her behaviour:
Take today. She had an hour nap after a family activity. When she woke up she lay on the sofa for over an hour screaming, writhing and kicking the sofa as hard as she could. We asked what was wrong, can we help, does she want water, food, the toilet, a cuddle. She would just wail/ yell louder. If I approached she would push me away. Eventually DH took her to another room as DS was trying to watch a film. Then she started slamming doors - hard -. Eventually she calmed down and was all sweet and smiles. These episodes are not unusual.
She is rude and full of attitude. Her language skills are brilliant and she has a sharp tongue. She will tell us the worst things she can think of - at her age it's things like meanie, bum, dumb etc but also awful things like I wish you didn't exist, I wish you hadn't been born, shut your mouth, it's not my fault you are a stupid idiot etc. Before anybody asks , no, we don't speak to her like that, she is very wanted and very loved. She is hugged, kissed and told she is loved many times a day.
She wants things to go her way all the time. If you say something like I will brush my teeth before reading you a story... BOOM off she goes "I hate you" "DS gets all the attention" which is not true. It's more that she wants all the attention all the time - she can be jealous and visibly cringes at seeing us hug her brother, will make negative comments if we praise him for anything. She is strong and intelligent at the top of what everything on school. He is clumsy, Summer born, just about hitting his goals etc.
She can be nasty and mean, will lash out and hit - she pushes us parents and her brother, throws things at us, punches, kicks. No, nobody hits her or pushes her and we make it very clear that it is not acceptable.
But punishment, loss of privileges and rewards don't help - she is incapable of waiting for delayed rewards, the idea of building up good behaviour tokens or whatever to achieve a treat completely passes her by. Things like naughty corner or reflection corner have never helped with her - it would involve physically forcing her to remain in a place and she gets more anxious and it escalates the situation.
She constantly imagines negative scenarios: "you're not going to want to read me a story" when we are happily getting ready for bed and choosing a book. "You think I'm stupid" again out of the blue. "Daddy forgot to bring the ball to the park" "he hasn't, I can see the ball on the grass" "YES HE HAS YOU LIER" yelling at the top of her voice. Reasoning, praising, reassurance don't work. Sometimes she seems very anxious and I can see that she cannot help herself in the middle of an episode - but not always.
She tries to control situations - playing with other children, trying to control all aspects of play with DS down to the clothes he wears "you have to hold this toy with you right hand when you walk down the street . If someone doesn't toe the line she refuses to play, complains bitterly, "I hate you", "I want to go home", "he's horrible". Apparently she has no friendship issues at school but she rarely gets asked for playdates. She can be very silly, loud, too bouncy and not knowing when to stop, unable to calm herself down like an overexcited puppy. I guess this puts other parents off?
My issue is that she is an angel at school - "a model pupil" says her teacher. So I cannot go down the path of diagnosis via the school or the impact in her education. She does very well, a year ahead in maths, two years ahead in reading. She understands rules and what is required of her perfectly and fulfils her role to a T. When I ask her teachers if she hits others or calls adults an idiot they are shocked we are talking about the same child.
I thought of approaching the local authority but many in the relevant team are known to me and I feel uncomfortable about sharing personal details with them. Am I being silly? I have no idea what the diagnosis / help path is in my LEA anyway, their special needs website doesn't work!
I thought of seeing a private psychologist but have no idea how to start. I guess my question is, in view of the above do you think we have grounds for thinking something is not right and that we could do with a diagnosis or failing that some strategies? And how do you approach a private psychologist? Do you explain what the issues are or leave them to assess your child with no prior knowledge, on a blank slate?
Be gentle please. We are exhausted and slightly scared of her. I have been here since before she was born under different names. I have felt there was something about her from day one. We were hoping she'd grow out of the tantrums and aggression and would develop some empathy but it's getting worse. Basically she seems so unhappy I just want to help her whatever the problem is. I feel so sory for her. But also DS is getting distressed and confused at her outbursts and I am at a loss to explain them to him.
Apologies for the essay and TIA.