Advice needed

[missmartini]

Ok I’m serious need of advice.

DH and I split 3 years ago...it’s been horrible at times, ok at others and downright nasty at other times.

We have arrangements through lawyers of him seeing the children and through his own arrangements he sees the children for 47.5 hours over a 2 week period. His choice and I have never said he can’t see them - In fact I asked for more time with him and he refused.

Few months ago I got a text from exSIL saying “as you know I’m getting married etc” I had no idea and the date she’s getting married on we already have a family common (my brothers DD) have already bought both DS1 and DS2 suits, children’s entertainment organised, meals preordered etc. She has also already asked DS1 to be a Paige boy, again no communication to me. Said I wasn’t happy about it as I’m sure exh has known this date for a long time, it isn’t his weekend and he should have told me long before now however I know a wedding trumps a communion so they’ll be going to that.

Now the plans they want is to pick the children up the morning of the wedding...and make arrangements to get them back to me after the first dance...well after 8pm. DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 3. This is all through exSIL btw I have told her I will only make arrangements with their father as he is responsible for them and she wasn’t happy with that.

Am I not right in thinking that if you want the children at your sisters wedding then it’s only right that you are responsible for them the full day and night and not ship them back to me when they’re tired/ grumpy so you can go back and get pissed with the nighttime guests? No other children are getting sent away after the first dance only mine.

What would you do?

My choices are...

1. Go with what they want and get 2 no doubt sleeping boys home and cut my own arrangements/ plans short (that’s if they’re even willing to drop them off I don’t know yet, they might be expecting me to pick them up, 30 minute drive away

Or

2. Insist that if they’re going they go for the full day and night and if they’re not willing to do that then say they don’t go and they come to me to the communion as planned with a magician, bouncy castle, meal and family party after.

If it matters the “after party “ for the communion is 2 streets away where I will walk home when the boys are ready for their bed. I won’t be drinking on the day as I’m responsible for my children.

I'd say sorry we've already made plans on that date and have other family commitments.

If their dad hasn't organised anything or approached you himself about it then bollocks to him. It's his family and his problem if they get shitty about it

@OnlyYellowRoses

That was my thinking but exSIL took the hump saying it was her day so she was making the arrangements. I said I wanted to converse with their father about it.

We were at parents night when I had the text from exSIL saying I was being unreasonable for wanting to discuss with exH the arrangements. On way out he said he'd text me about wedding over the weekend. I've heard nothing yet.

On this occasion I’d just go and pick them up and let your ex enjoy the wedding. We always come home earlier from events anyway so the adults can party. If the kids remain there will your husband continue to party anyway as this sounds like he wants to - so for my own peace of mind I’d just go get them. It’s only 1 day.

At @Widowodiw I appreciate your point of view however I just don't understand why I should be "the babysitter" for the night.

I was maid of honour for my best friend towards the end of last year, I had the boys with me and took them up to the hotel room around 9:30 when they had both had enough as to me that's what a responsible parent should do. If I had asked him to come and get them to let me get pissed and party the night it would have been met with a resounding no and to be a responsible parent. I'm only asking the same of him I think.

@missmartini well you are not the babysitter are you, you are the parent ( as indeed he is). You begrudge him as he would t do the same for you which I understand . But sometimes isnt it just nice to be the better person. Personally I wouldn’t leave my kids at a wedding where there’s a possibility that other parent would want to go and enjoy himself. I’d just go and get them for my peace of mind if anything else.

Do your kids want to go?

I hate my ex, in the same circs I let DD go and picked her up at 9pm. And I hate my ex’s guts and his sister even more. But that was the right thing to do and I knew I was being the bigger person.

I'm confused. Are both events on the same day or one Saturday the other Sunday? Yes it is down to their father to negotiate. They do not need to stay until first dance, young children will be climbing the walls by then.

I'm confused. Are both events on the same day or one Saturday the other Sunday? Yes it is down to their father to negotiate. They do not need to stay until first dance, young children will be climbing the walls by then.

I think the point is to communicate and arrange with their father as he would be the parent in charge on the day. Your ex sil is the bride, she’s not going to be looking after him.

I’d tell him that you already have plans but if he wants to swap weekends or have them extra that could be organised.

Dropping them in as a one off is ok given it’s a wedding, but you could ask to have them home earlier if 8pm is too late, and they need to do the pick up drop off, not you.