Tips on being happy alone?

[Foreverlexicon]

After a short but intense relationship ending and sending me into a bit of a nervous breakdown (straw and camels back I think, it’s not been a good year), I have decided to take a break from dating.

I’ve realised I’m really unhappy being on my own. This seems to be due to two main factors;

• I actually think I may have autophobia (fear of being alone). Due to shifts and socialising, I very rarely spend an evening alone and when I do I feel incredibly isolated and lonely to the point where I get very anxious unless I’m on my phone talking to people CONSTANTLY. Even just having a ‘potential’ partner to message helps this. I can’t read or watch tv or relax in any way.
• Without a partner I kind of feel like my life is empty and pointless. It isn’t at all, I have so much good in my life and everything else is going very well but it feels pointless in that I don’t have anyone who particularly cares to tell about my day.

This is leading to me getting into very intense relationships and then when they go wrong, instead of being able to accept that it’s over and that actually maybe we weren’t a good match, I cling to it, go to ridiculous means to try and fix it and end up disproportionately upset and depressed for weeks. Until I find someone else.

I’m started a course of CBT on Wednesday and considering counselling alongside. I have some ideas of where it’s come from but not too sure how to fix it.

I’m just wondering if anyone has any tips I can start putting into practise in the meantime?

Get a cat.

I used to be like that ie I hated being in the house alone and could not relax. In time I got used to it so I would say gradually increase your alone time and do something in that time to keep you occupied eg cooking, cleaning, watching a short programme. I hate cooking and cleaning myself so I am more likely to pop out to the shops or go on the internet.

Do you have children? Sometimes life is so full on I am desperate for some peace these days so being on my own is easier. Getting a pet is a really good idea.

I'm almost the opposite - I love being home alone

I do have pets. On the rare occasions I am home without them, the house feels completely different. So if you have time, space and commitment, then consider adopting a pet.

Structure your non- working time. Give yourself a timetable so you know that you won't be 'alone' for long. Eg, Mon gym, Tues pub quiz, Weds cinema, Thurs housework... (This may not be compatible with getting a pet: they need company too!)

When you're home, put Radio 4 (or similar) on, for the sound of voices having a conversation. Listen - talk back!

Have a look on Meetup for any groups you can join.

I'd definitely recommend counselling alongside, as you mention in your OP

To be honest it’s not so much tips on keeping busy I need, more on how to actually relax alone? And to be happy without constantly talking to someone? It’s like I need the validation of someone to tell about my day to make my day worthwhile.

I’m very good at keeping busy to avoid this but that’s only making the problem worse! Sadly can’t get a pet, I already have horses and a snake but they aren’t the same company as a dog or cat but I’m out the house too long for a dog and work erratic hours and I live on a busy road which I’m not sure would be suitable for a cat 🤔

I do actually have a housemate so I’m not even alone, it’s more being alone in my ‘head’ I think

Ah, I see. I wasn't looking to solve the problem, just suggesting ways to keep your alone time "contained" to a level you could hopefully cope with (whilst you learned how to be more comfortable, had therapy etc).

How about writing to yourself? A journal but a dialogue with yourself. Tell yourself about your day/thoughts/feelings on day 1, then on day 2 reply. That could teach you how to validate yourself?

Also, yoga. Not just to fill time, but because yoga is something you do alone (even in a class). Your focus is entirely on yourself, physically - am I in the right posture, how does it feel, is that good or bad, is it time to adjust it, am I doing too much/too little.... Again, learning your own validation, trusting your own judgement. (To be fair, I would recommend yoga for most things )

I'd recommend things that worked for me:-
Writing in a journal and even if it feels weird stick with it, writing whatever thoughts come into your head.
Doing mindful meditation from YouTube, just 5-10 mins to set off with, lying on your bed, it took me quite a few goes but eventually I learnt to relax and be still, and it was a revelation when I realised I was able to relax in my own company.
Taking up something solitary like colouring in, crochet, jigsaws or reading and just doing them for a short time at first.
This will sound odd, but get a soft toy or a teddy and think of it as a comforter.
Don't look too far ahead, don't think you'll have to be alone forever, and you'll begin to enjoy your own company.
Good luck.

My cat(s) are/ were house cats - they are / were very happy (one died of an aggressive cancer 4 weeks ago). They are / were 16. Could be without a bet, living alone.

Routine! I love being alone. But I didn't always feel that way. So I started to break up my evenings by having a bath, reading a book and watching TV. I don't watch a lot but I recently discovered the joy of binge watching. I also stay up until I'm dog tired and when I get to bed it feels blissful.

Do you think it's because you get intense, people feel suffocated by it hence end the relationship? Just try baby steps to fill some of your time alone. It's a vicious circle and will carry on if you don't make the effort. You have already recognised what is going wrong so that's a step in the right direction. I think you can do it, it will take a bit of practice. Look upon it as learning something new. IF all else fails have the relationships, and enjoy them while they last!

Thank you. Will definitely be trying these. Mediation and yoga should help calm the anxiety at any rate!

I will try journalling, that sounds helpful.
I don’t think the intensity is why the last one ended - it was mutual in that we were both very intense and then it ended suddenly and I’m just not dealing with it and I think this loneliness is the reason. So I want to be able to get to the place where I don’t automatically make that person my whole world right away to try and prevent feeling like this in the future!

It's never a good idea for anyone to make someone else their whole world, so good thinking. You can do this. Good luck

It was never my intention. The level of contact we were having just took over and I just soaked up the attention like a sponge as it plastered over all the cracks and now it’s gone, those cracks have just fallen apart.

Struggled a bit today, been on a first aid course for work and felt increasingly anxious. Trying to remind myself on the drive home this is a good thing, I can focus on myself for a while instead of rushing around after someone else for a change.

Loneliness is a natural part of life but if you are just ending a relationship it's bound to be rough. But be able to be alone and how to relax and be in your own company is good for you. I tend to do things like watch TV or a film have a long lazy soak in the bath, read books, make nice nibbles food.

But I also enjoy going out on my own to the shops, having a coffee and read the papers, cinema, art galleries and for walks. I am very extrovert but I need to re -charge my batteries and have alone time too.

OP have you always been this way or is it a new thing? Think of things you do enjoy on your own and focus on them. Ride a bike, writing, painting or drawing. Walks whatever.

CBT is an excellent place to start.

I think it’s something that’s accumulated over time.
I used to love my own space and needed it. I ended a long term abusive relationship about a year ago and I don’t think I ever entirely healed from it before I started dating again - I kept myself incredibly busy at first and felt very happy after years of not socialising with friends etc because of the abuse. Combined with working a lot of evenings/nights I’ve just become used to never being alone in an evening and during the day I tend to be on the go and busy. I’m fairly happy to do things on my own I.e I will happily go and have a coffee in a cafe whilst my car is being washed for example. But the moment I stop I get anxious.

I seem to need this constant validation from others in all aspects of my life or it seems ‘pointless’. I think it comes down to not having a high enough sense of self worth - doing things because I want to and they are important to me isn’t enough, I need other people to care too. And then this leads to me doing all I can to stay in a relationship even if it’s actually not good for me because I can’t ever see it can be the other person’s fault and that I deserve better so I go crazy trying to fix it instead of maintaining dignity and walking away.

I keep repeating ‘Do it for you’ which seems to be helping a bit. Had a good long chat with my friend about the break up who actually managed to get through to me a bit on several points so I do feel a bit better about that!

Tonight’s aim is to watch a TV programme for an hour with my phone on the other side of the room!