DS repeating year

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DS is gifted but simply doesn't do the work and won't pass the final year of pre university . Not in the UK.
He's 17 and lazy. No LD, no problems as such, just lazy and only since Christmas has woken up to the fact he needs to do more.

We are a high flying family in terms of academics, but I have told him constantly that he doesn't need to go to uni, that there are other options, that he can do something else. For most things however he will need at least a pass at the pre university (kind of A levels) level.

He insists he wants to go to university. To tell the truth the area he wants to study suits him well and he will shine, but the only way to get there is by passing six subjects he hates.

I am worried that if he repeats the year (he will have to resit the same 6 subjects), he will do even less work because his timetable will be reduced and he is just so lazy. He has a tutor for one subject, and refuses to have more.

I am so alone in this. His father is dead, I have no family here and it's just me and his sister.

I don't pressure him but his laziness is really affecting my MH, in terms of stress and happiness. He gets nasty when asked to explain himself or go and work.
There is no option of working for a year here (massive unemployment and social problems).
I am just so worried that this time next year we will be in the same situation.
Any positive tales of repeaters?

The other university route is easier but he can only access that when he's 25.

I'm going to be honest...from my experience of being a lazy git at 17.

You need to stop enabling him and let him fail. He's nearly an adult. He needs to learn that effort is important.

If he has to retake the year then you insist that extra year of bed and board at home (due to him not going to uni) comes with rent attached so he is forced to get a part time job.

Sorry, it'll be difficult but he needs to learn that actions have consequences. If you enable him through this year he will simply do the same at uni but wasting a lot more time and effort. Better to have a resit year working and go to uni when he's ready to focus.

Yes, I don't enable him (I probably did before) and I think he needs to fail or he will never learn.
The problem is a part time job - I agree, but it's very unlikely in this part of the world and the city where we live.

And yes, and I worried he will get into uni and do nothing there.

I am worried, sorry.

Have you asked him what he thinks will happen in the exams, what will happen next year?

He says he will pass, that he will go to uni. He won't. It's extremely unlikely.
I think he's saying this because he thinks it's what I want to hear. He lies all the time about his marks and studying.

chat you need to leave him to it. I know it’s incredibly frustrating. When dd1 was 17 I actually asked her to move to her dads because I couldn’t support her behaviour and wasn’t prepared to baby her any more.

She’d dropped out of college and wasn’t moving towards anything. She ended up getting a good apprenticeship at a law firm, moved around jobs a bit before walking in to a career she loves. She’s at the point she wanted to get to, she just took a more unconventional route.

She’s 23 now and lives in a beautiful city center apartment, just got back from a girls holiday in Dubai and is loving life, she was in Milan six weeks ago. I’m so proud of her. A far cry from the lazy sulky teenager refusing to get out of bed to get to college.

I’m a firm believer of ‘pushing them out of the nest’ so to speak.

Then yo u say OK dear but if any of that doesn't happen, I will always love you and I'm always here.

The fact that he lies continually about his grades would make me question what pressure he feels toive up to your academic family, if not from you then from others.

You need to stop stressing and let him fail. You really do. All your stressing and getting on at him won't help. It won't change anything.

It's his life, he's nearly an adult, let him get on with it, and be there to advise when th inevitable happens.

I think you're going to have to let this one play out - perhaps he will pass the repeated year. If you don't let him try he'll only resent you.

If he does fail, what's the plan? It sounds like there are no jobs and university won't be an option. It sounds like you're British - will you send him back to the UK?

You’re going round in a circle.

You encourage him to do more work, he digs his heels in and does less, you encourage some more, he does even less and so on.

He’s 17. Make him stand on his own feet and take responsibility. Let him work it out for himself, because your anxiety will become worse opif you let this take over everything and it won’t solve anything.

I know this from experience. If he fails, he fails and he has to discover what he wants and what he needs to do to get there.

Perhaps underneath he is frightened of failing and turns it into a self fulfilling prophesy. Let him be.

Yes yes yes.

I have no idea what he'll do. This country has serious problems. I don't know what he'd do in the UK. He has little cousins but I couldn't ask my brother to take him in.

He lies about his grades but always gets found out.

I thinm you need to think about why he liesdles he lie about other stuff too?

I don't think so... rather than lying, he just doesn't tell me stuff. I imagine a lot of teenagers are like that?

Kids lie.

chat let him have breathing space. Completely back off. I’ve learned that academic success is not the be all and end all.

He will find his way. Plus it’s too bloody stressful to micromanage 17 years olds

I was quite bright but lazy and resat my lower sixth (I also spent a large proportion of my time involved with various extra-curricular schemes and completed something unusual that summer so neither me nor my parents were bothered about me resitting).
It was the best thing for me - made the rest of my sixth form much happier and I attended a uni where several of my peers had resat or taken a gap year.
I am still quite lazy but always get through things doing work last minute and just enough to pass.
I'm happy and have accepted I'll never be a high achiever.
(My mum left school at 15 and later in life went on to get a degree and a Masters so they were happy to let me work out my own path.)

Let him make mistakes and work his own way through things, I would.
Good luck. It must be hard for parents

Yes. I haven't micromanaged for a long time, but it all still stresses me out. Am trying to let go further.

Well yes lots of them do, but some will also pathalogically lie!! Sounds like he's being a normal teenager, let him work it out and offer your support if it goes wrong