How do you build resilience as an adult?

[HalyardHitch]

Just this really.

I have very little resilience.

I'd like to take up jogging, but it's too hard. I want to learn to knit. I've just managed a few stitches with the help of youtube - add another needle and now it looks hard so I've just stopped. Parenting - I enjoy it when it's good. I hate it the second it gets tough. I literally can't do it.

How does anyone learn resilience as an adult? I literally have none!

It's a really good question! I don't know.

Maybe it's just being conscious of your own lack of resilience and forcing yourself through. Perhaps your natural resilience will build from there....like working a muscle!

God dammit, that means I need to get back on youtube and get frustrated with this bloody knitting! It's so sad - I literally don't want to do it any more

Maybe knitting isn't for you? Perhaps you've tried it and you don't like it?

I think it is really hard to start something completely new all by yourself. Isn't there a knitting circle or running club you could join locally?

I recently joined a club and I am RUBBISH at the activity at the moment. Really, really beginner awful but the people are nice and seem to be able to tolerate my rubbishness and I find it inspiring to be surrounded by people who share my enthusiasm for this pursuit. I think if I were trying to do it by myself, I wouldn't have resilience either.

I try to talk to myself the same way I talk to my kids.

"The only bad mistake is the one you don't learn from".

"Okay, this attempt might be a bit crap, but the next one will be better, and the one after that will be even better. . ."

"No one expects you to be perfect at something the first time you do it. You get better and faster, each time you do it. Those people that make it seems effortless - they've been doing it for ages".

And in terms of cooking - something I am most definitely not God's gift at, "there's always takeout"!

I've literally tried it for about four minutes - maybe two lots of two minutes. It's too early to give up.

See if I was rubbish at the activity I wouldn't like it and would quit after two weeks. No sticking power. I really ought to try to build some resilience.

Please someone tell me I'm not the only one with no resilience

I think the best way to go about this is to pick one activity, any activity. Do that activity for an entire week, even if you hate it, just force yourself through. Once that week's done, you might end up loving it, you might never want to have anything to do with it ever again. You'll know that you've tried though.

You’re aware of it now, so that’s a step in the right direction.
You just do things. Every time you do it, it gets easier to do the next thing. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it but that’s fine, just do it anyway.

The only difference between you and someone with resilience is that they’ll just do it. They may not want to as much as you don’t want to, but they’ll do it anyway.

I agree with PP who says pick something and stick to it. I struggle with motivation at times and give up just about everything, or dismiss things as “boring/stupid/not helpful”.

With running...if that’s what you want to do it takes time to get into it, and it really helps if you’ve got other people around you. Lots of clubs have beginners groups/courses if you struggle with doing these things alone. At my running club we frequently say to each other at the end of a run, “I really didn’t feel like coming tonight, but I’m glad I did.” If you don’t feel like being with others sometimes goal setting can help eg in 8 weeks time I want to run a park run all the way around, and then follow a couch to 5k program. Then, when that’s done, set another goal. That’s why most runners enter lots of races- to have goals to train for, otherwise it can be difficult to remain focussed.

Likewise with knitting- why do you want to knit/what do you want to knit? Have a goal eg a scarf then work towards that. I learned to crochet purely because I’d found a blanket pattern I liked!

I often hate doing whatever it is I am doing for a few weeks...a course, exercise, but if you keep at it long enough to get small rewards eg being fit enough to run for 5 minutes, or knitting a perfect square, then it’s easier to continue.

I work with people who are dealing with trauma, and lack of resilience is often a symptom for them.
If you think that is true for you, find a good therapist and/ or learn TRE, very helpful with he after effect s of trauma.

What motivates you to knit? Do.you love scarves or jumpers ? Think of the finishes product
What motivates you to.run...? Getting fitter? Couch to.5 k nhs podcasts are the way to go

Ok so here's a plan. I'm going to go with my boys and pick out a wool colour that I really like. My aim will be to knit myself a scarf. That's my first target. Truth is, I want to knit my boys a cardigan each but I might just have to start smaller than that considering I can't even do a stitch.

Running...I tried the local running club but they're fully booked on their beginners course. I do have a friend who will run with me though which is good. I'll have to book some sessions in with her. First I need to get sports kit!!

These will be my two things. Two things for me.

I have two young boys. Aged one and two. I now need to start doing things for me as the baby stage is ending

I often hate doing whatever it is I am doing for a few weeks...a course, exercise, but if you keep at it long enough to get small rewards eg being fit enough to run for 5 minutes, or knitting a perfect square, then it’s easier to continue.

This exactly! Sometimes even the tiniest bit of results will give you the motivation you need to carry on.

These will be my two things. Two things for me.

Sounds like a fantastic plan. Best of luck, OP! We'll be rooting for you.

I don't think I have any trauma as such. Life wasn't great growing up but my parents did their best. My wider family are pretty toxic. Nothing nasty, just nothing nice - resentment, poor communication, etc.

I've never particularly worked hard at something. I sailed through school. Never pushed myself so never excelled but achieved fine enough results. Life has always been the same. I have a business now that pays the bills but it's easy. It's fine. I'm still not excelling. I'm just plodding along.

That said, I do own a modest terrace house and my boys are beautiful. I can't knock what I've achieved. But most of what I've done I've just plodded through with minimal effort

I've just messaged my friend to ask her when we can start our c25k. I might pop into town at the weekend to get my kit together

I'm sure your resilience/willpower is no worse than anyone else's; I think a lot of people are inclined not to bother when we have an active choice over it - especially if it's difficult or physically challenging!
What works for me is forcing myself to carry on by making a commitment or paying for it. So, I paid to do a language course and because I'd paid, felt obliged to keep going even though plenty of times I really couldn't be bothered. It was, as everyone else has said, worth it in the end for the sense of accomplishment and friends I made and I'm glad I did it, but it was still an effort I had to push myself to make.
If you sign up for a 5K run (I recommend Parkrun if you have one nearby as a good motivational and fun environment to start running) or commit to knitting something for someone's next birthday, you may find it easier to make yourself do it?
I began running after a heart scare 6 years ago and though I've stuck to it, I still don't enjoy it and have to force myself. I have had to make it more of a religion than a habit - i.e I put exercise above pretty much any other thing I have to do each day and make sure I put running clothes on and get going quickly before I have the chance to talk myself out of it!

Oh I like you. I do get very sick of this be your best self stuff. Your boys are one and two, really, still babies,and if you are looking around for stuff for you, that must mean you’ve absolutely nailed parenting.
I tried knitting. I hated it and I was crap. Realising that I could just stop was so liberating. I hate running too, but I do get that other people like it, and my understanding is tha5 it takes tim3 to build stamina.
I like swimming and find it easier to do that regularly although life gets in the way. .
The thing about parenting is that you will find the resources to deal with difficulties as they pop up, just be glad not too much has gone wrong yet..
You maybe need to ask yourself what you really like.
Best of luck

I am the same as you OP

sometimes I think I'm giving myself a hard time, other times I wonder why other people seem to be able to achieve so much - and will I regret it if I don't etc.

I get sick of "be your best self" stuff but I'm conscious I'm in a rut at the moment and not really looking after my health etc.

I think I actually do need to do the whole "be your best self" thing.

I've had a really tough few years with a pregnancy loss, my eldest has had minor but all consuming health issues (which looks like we now have a diagnosis, just needs confirming). My youngest was a cling-on.

My husband is a full time student and is often away at uni. So I pretty much run the house, look after the boys and run my business (and pay the bills), single handed. Admittedly, he does look after the boys while I work.

I just need to start branching out. He's going through a career changing, life changing process at the moment and I feel that sometimes I'm just left at home, literally, mopping up shit. I'm 100% behind him. I'm allowing him to do this and am totally comfortable with where we're at I'll have my chance soon enough, but I have found it limiting.

I've made progress on the knitting but I can hear the toddler so I'd better dash!

I wish I knew how to build resilience! It's interesting what someone said upthread about trauma. I know some people who have been through some incredibly traumatic events and are amongst the most resilient people I know - they say things like nothing seemed so important after the traumatic event. However, I do wonder whether that might be the exception rather than the rule. I am also not very resilient, especially in the work environment - in fact it's got worse as I've got older! - and have often wondered whether that is related to some difficult events in my late teens / early twenties, but I think that I should be getting over that by now and it doesn't seem logical that this would affect me more now than earlier on. Anyway, it sounds as though you have been having a tough time more recently and perhaps you need to be a bit kinder to yourself and, if you feel that it would be helpful, maybe have some therapy to process everything. In my local area we can even access some therapy that we can refer ourselves direct to (some is online, some is group and some is telephone / individual). However, I recognise that it's not for everyone (myself included).

I hate knitting - it's not for everyone and it was such a relief when my DM took away to finish the jumper I had started half heartedly! But I do love to sew and embroider, and starting with simple things with instant gratification is very motivational (cushions are brilliant for this and you can change up your living room with new covers in an afternoon!). Don't expect to be brilliant at everything straight away and recognise it doesn't matter if you make a hash of things. And don't feel like you always have to be improving with hobbies like that. We have more hobbies when we are young and enjoy them more because no one expects a ten-year old to be very good at drawing, embroidery, playing music etc., but we feel a bit silly drawing badly as adults, don't we?

I think Parkrun is great, but I finished C25K before I did it, so I knew that I would be able to run the whole way (not that this is necessary - you can walk) and used the Parkrun to work on my speed. It's great that you've got a buddy to do C25K with and getting some lovely new kit will help the motivation. My recommendation is to get a good sports bra and the best trainers you can afford - I skimped on trainers for years until I got a discount code for Adidas and I was amazed how much more comfortable it was to run in the really lovely cushioned things!

I think you're putting an awful lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Your children are still babies. 1 and 2 years old is babies in my eyes; they need round the clock attention and that leaves very little "me time". When my DC were that age, I experienced the same guilt as yourself as I thought I should be using whatever free time I had to build on friendships, hobbies, something relevant to churn out at gatherings i.e. "I'm Rosie and I do cross-stitch" - But actually, actually, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using the [likely very rare] free time you get to just sit on the sofa, watch junk tv and eat a packet of hob nobs! My DC are now coming up for 10 & 11 and I am only just getting an hour or two uninterrupted free time per day. As such, I have joined a gym and I am thoroughly enjoying it because I can now do that activity without thinking that I should probably be cleaning, feeding, bum-wiping, playing with, taking kids to clubs, reading to... or any other number of activities cough, interruptions that come with having two small children. Maybe your "me time" could be a little less pressure-y, and a little more relax-y?

Do you actually WANT to knit and run though?

I read somewhere that it takes over 10,000 hours to perfect any skill. After reading that I realised I was probably giving up too early! I've run plenty of 5 and 10Ks in my life, still not that great. Don't think I've run for 10,000 hours yet so I think I'll keep going to get better at it! So I guess that understanding might help with resilience if that makes any sense

Also the fact that you've even posed this question seems to me that you'll likely succeed at this whole resilience thing. Well done I'll take a leaf out of your book

Pick stuff you that has consequences if you give up eg buy a car and learn to drive it, enrol on a PGCE and become a teacher. The only way out of those things is getting good at them!