I know people suffer a lot worse but I don't really have anyone to talk to and just wanted to get it off my chest I suppose.
I feel a complete failure I'm currently on maternity leave so just earning statutory maternity pay. Poor DH is going through a crap time with his company. His work is very commissioned based. For the last 11 years they were paid fairly well. Since the end of last year they drastically cut the commission structure meaning DH has suddenly lost about a quarter of his salary. He is looking for another job but it appears most other similar companies are doing similar cuts. Also he hates his current job so ideally wants a change of career.
When I do go back to work it will be part time. The cost of childcare would make working full time pointless. So after childcare I will probably have a similar amount as I do now on maternity pay. Also I am starting to suffer extreme anxiety about leaving my DS for three days to go back full time would be too much for me.
The reason I mainly feel a failure though is I'm am highly educated and quite simply due to a lack of confidence have never got anywhere in my field. For the last 10 years I have had an ok job which pays ok. Now having DS I feel I have failed him I could be giving him such a better life. DH tries to reassure me saying if I had gone that route I might not have had DS yet or that I couldn't have gone part time. I know money isn't everything. I don't even know what I am asking to be honest just wanted to get it off my chest. To people looking in we probably look fine. But I'm not I'm a complete mess. I go about my day feeling angry at myself,stuck in the house (we can only afford one car now), I eat crap all day. I feel so sorry for my DS who is the loveliest baby in world and deserves so much better.