Daughter is getting married abroad, just them and their children

[Diversion]

My son announced his engagement a few months ago and they have set the date for their wedding next year. He has his own business and they and her parents will be paying for the majority of the wedding. We will contribute and I am making their cake. Last week my daughter announced that she and her partner are getting married abroad the month before our son and will not be having anyone at the wedding apart from their children. She has also just announced a party/celebration the weekend before our sons wedding so that people can help them celebrate. I completely respect their choice to get married on their own abroad, however am slightly miffed that they have chose the week before her brothers wedding for their celebration in this country. I am happy to make them a cake too for their celebration but am a little confused as to whether we should offer to donate the same amount for something we will not be part of which will put a lot of financial pressure on us or whether just to give them a financial gift which will not be as much as we are donating towards their brothers wedding. Do we treat them both the same as we have always done? Help!

Doesn't sound very nice of her. That really is selfish actually, not just thoughtless - booking a big party to celebrate her wedding, just a week before her brother's planned wedding.

I'll probably be shouted down here, but I wouldn't. She's made it clear she is independent and doesn't want you (or anyone else in the family) to be considered in her wedding plans. That is her choice, but I wouldn't be paying towards a wedding I was not even invited to, no.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure I'd be making her a cake the week before another wedding that was already planned.

Wow. Sounds a little like sibling one upmanship. She could save her party for later in the year. She hasn't really considered the rest of the family at all....her brother and his fiance will have things to do for their own wedding the week before. I would give them a gift of money but when you can afford it...no rush. If my parents told me that they would give me a gift when they could I would be grateful. As for making the cake....no... You have enough on your plate.

The weekend before her brothers wedding! Talk about making a statement without saying a word!

I agree with BackforGood. I’d just go to the party like it was any other party.

Have you had discussions in the past about what if anything you’d contribute to their weddings?

I suppose it depends whether you consider the money a gift to celebrate their marriage or a contribution to the wedding. I’d go with the latter personally but it’s up to you. What would you have done if DD was also having a big do and invited you? You’d have needed to find the same about for each of them then or given DS less.

She’s being awful planning their party so close to DS wedding but that’s irrelevant to the money decision. You run the risk of looking churlish because she’s not inviting you to the ceremony.

Wow. What has your son said? I would be mightily pissed off if a sibling did this to me.

Will there be family who can't manage to travel 2 weekends in a row so will have to choose? Invites gone out already? She's made things mighty awkward for everyone.

What a mess. I would be annoyed with my dd if she did that. It's not nice.