Would you make contact with possible half sibling?

[Jammf]

I've got a half sibling who I have never met. Ddad was married before he married my dm and had one child in that marriage.
As far as I know he had no contact with them after the divorce.
Ddad died over 20 years ago and I never thought I would see this sibling or find out anything about them.
I know their birth name. Whilst using ancestry.com I got a match which showed my Ddad's first marriage. After a bit of facebook hunting I'm 99% sure I've found them, and they live a 10 minute walk away from me!
I'm sort of intrigued to meet them but I'm well aware they may want nothing to do with me, as my ddad wasn't in their life and they probably feel he abandoned them. So I'm sure they won't have any good feelings towards him.
I think they might know I exist as my aunt (now also deceased) told me once my half sibling visited her sometimes. I think she would have said something as she liked to gossip about all family members.
I can't decide if it's a good idea or not to try to make contact.

If you've found them. On Facebook you can get a rough idea about them.

I would reach out to them as it could be a lovely friendship between you. Or it might not amount to anything or they may not be interested.

Just say hello.

My older half brother contacted me. It was awful. He had been brought up being told one version of events, I had been brought up being told a completely different version. Totally incompatible. I cut him off in the end unfortunately, it was not good for my mental health to have him in my life.

I would.

You could send them a message on Facebook and ask them if they’d like to chat online for a while with a view to meeting later if they wanted to, perhaps? But be prepared that they may rebuff you angrily. Don’t invest emotionally until you know where it’s going.

I would make contact on facebook, if you feel that you really want to.

Give it a go if you're comfortable with the idea that he might not be interested.

My nosey but well-meaning uncle found my half-brother. Similar scenario - Dad and first wife split up, no real contact after that. We exchanged a couple of messages, I sent him a few photos of Dad, I said I was up for meeting for coffee if he was, and no contact since then apart from happy birthday messages on Facebook each year. I'm fine with that, I've got a brother, I don't need another one, but I would have been interested to get to know him if he'd wanted to.

I found my half sister and met her. She didn't like me so didn't keep in touch. I don't regret it as I learned about my dad's family. I am the older one and never knew my dad. My mum left him when I was a toddler due to his constant womanising. So I would say go for it as long as you won't be too upset if you don't like each other. I wasn't the least bit upset, just found it interesting. I grew up with another half sister so already had a sibling.

I'm in the exact opposite position to you....I am the DD from a first marriage who has no idea if my half sibling even knows I exist.

My Dad died a similar time to yours, and I never felt right trying to contact my half sister. She may have had a great relationship with my Dad, and me turning up could have generated questions for her, that he is no longer around to answer for her.

I didnt think that was fair, just to satisfy the mild curiosity I had.

If they did have a good relationship, then that may have led to me to wonder why he didn't want me, which would have been hurtful.

I suppose I would only contact if I knew that they knew about me, and was prepared myself to be hurt. The potential cost to others didn't seem worth it to me.

Sorry, just to add, in your scenario, I would view the potential for hurting your half sister to be massive.

If you knew about her when your dad was alive, then surely you could have made contact then? You think she wont have a good opinion of him, so what do you expect from meeting her? Would you sit and talk about your dad? That could be so hurtful and to her. You got to keep him, she didn't.

I genuinely don't know what you are hoping for? I would be pretty pissed off if my half sister got in contact, TBH. It would open up questions in my mind that my dad cant answer. It would almost feel as if she was gloating that she got a relationship with him, and I didn't.

If you havent been abandoned by a parent, you cant know the feelings you go through, and how much it takes to put those feelings to bed.

I am not saying don't contact her, I am saying be aware that you could open up hurt and devastation in satisfying your own curiosity.

Coming at this from a different angle - my grandfather had two daughters. One with a girlfriend before he married, and then my mum with his wife.

The older daughter grew up knowing about this, whereas my mum was never told anything as my grandfather was never in contact with his first daughter (very traditional English family, no talking etc allowed!).

I heard from my half-aunt after my grandfather died - she had put off making contact prior to that to spare everyone's feelings. Sadly my mum had already died, so she was never able to meet her sister.

It was heartbreaking all round - my mum would have LOVED to meet her, and my half-aunt was so sad she missed out on that relationship. So my advice is to make contact, as you will regret not doing it once it's too late

Hmmm. Thanks all. Lots to think about.
I was a child when my ddad was alive so I never had a chance then to find them. His previous marriage was never spoken about - only ever mentioned the once when I found out.
This is why I'm torn, they quite likely hate/hated him and I could well be thought of in the same way.
My mum was not the reason they split, they met some years later, but I can understand they probably hated that he had a new family.
When I was younger it didn't seem important to meet them, but now I'm older I'm intrigued to meet them and even hear their side of the story.
They're living so close to me and we shared a father. I feel sad we've had this life apart and never met.
I've not discussed this with my dm yet. I think I might speak to her and see if I can learn more about what happened back then to help my decision.

Yes I would

I absolutely wouldn't. This is why I have nothing to do with Facebook.

Good idea to speak to your mum about it.

I doubt that your sibling would hate you. They may not even hate your dad. They may well be very distressed at having the past dragged up again.

It's a balance between your curiosity and their feelings. Sadly, you will never know what their feelings are unless you make contact. But by making contact, the damage may be done.

I think it is telling that of everyone on this thread who has met up with estranged family, none of the relationships seem to have gone well.

My mum was approached by a member of my dad's family after years of estrangement. I even found that incredibly distressing.

Maybe I am projecting (in fact, I know I am), but please tread carefully.

Well yes I would and I did.

I made contact with half siblings from my dads previous marriage and am so delighted I did it. I am now incredibly close with my half siblings (we don't really refer to each other as anything other than "sister/brother")

You will always regret it if you don't try. Good luck.

By the way, you say you "shared a father". No, you didn't. You had a father, the other girl was abandoned. You didnt share him at all.

Comments like that are why you need to tread so carefully. Your post is all in relation to yourself I.e. they may hate him and by extension hate you, your curiosity, your feelings of living close. Please, please try to think of theirs too.

I wouldn’t...seems like in a small percentage of cases it goes well but most of the time it doesn’t

This happened to my friend. Her half sister contacted her on Facebook, turned out they'd lived in the same city all their lives but there had been a rift with the father. Now they are close and aunties to each others kids.

Yes I would. In fact I would love too.
I strongly suspect that I have a half sibling but don't have any information.
I live in Ireland where ancestry.com unfortunately isn't up to much.

I contacted three half siblings all born at least ten years before me, all contacted years after our dad died. One was overwhelmingly happy to get to know me, one was interested to exchange a few emails and be FB friends but we have never met, one has refused to even acknowledge my attempt to make contact. I would therefore say you really can’t tell what reaction you will get, it’s so personal. I’m glad I tried though and I gained one great sibling and uncle to my kids.

MsLucyLastic I've done nothing but think of their feelings in this. My posts may not have shown this but that is precisely why I have not jumped straight in and contacted them straight away. I've spent many months already thinking this over.
I'm well aware my contacting them may bring up terrible memories and feelings for them and if I did go ahead I would make it clear that it would be fine if they wanted no contact with me.
But after reading so much negativity and bad outcomes from those on the other side of this I think I'm best not to.

Just reach out and see how they feel about being contacted, and take it from there.

A friend of mine did this. She has discovered a whole new family and it has been a wonderful experience for her, esp since her "original" family and she did not get on and had a difficult experience.

You will always regret it and wonder what might have been, if you do not at least give it a try.