Can anyone help me find some optimism?!

[RainyAfternoon]

I’ve been mulling over posting this for a while but it seems so self indulgent, however I’m having a particularly bad evening so am reaching out for a bit of help.

I’ve begun to get really sad at the speed my children are growing up and feel like I am grieving for their childhoods already. This is a bit silly as they are only 11, 9 and 4 but the feelings started when my eldest began at secondary school and seem to be spiralling. I feel sad a lot of the time and spend too much time projecting my feelings into other people’s situations. I have a physical ache in my stomach a lot of the time. Obviously I should just be trying to be in the moment now and enjoy my time with my children but I feel like I can’t really be present and am somehow just observing.

I’m worried about how I’ll cope when they do leave home if I’m struggling so much now. So many articles are written about the pain of the empty nest. I was so ridiculously happy when the children were little and I’m frightened I’ll never really be happy again. It seems that people just learn to cope with the loss of children leaving and all the advice given about taking up hobbies and gardening etc seems so unappealing and empty.

I wonder if peri menopause is behind some of my sadness as I’m late 40s, and probably my career which is dwindling for various reasons. I hope it’s not just the inevitable feeling over the hill with nothing much to look forward to.

Can anyone reach out and reassure me there is genuine happiness to be found once children grow? Or do I need to get some counselling.

Thank you and sorry for the self absorbed maudlin post!

I understand you perfectly.

Mine are grown up ans have their own homes, daughter nearby but son just over an hour away.

I have three active dogs and my day is taken up with them.

Funny enough I see more of my daughter now has moved out. When she was with me the last few years of being with me were her up in her bedroom and I only saw her when she came past me in the living room or we clashed in th kitchen!

Now I see her lot more as we meet up yo go shopping etc.

I don't feel lonely, I enjoy doing what I want and when I want.

Although they leave the nest they still need you and I get asked all the time for advice, support and help.
By the time yours have grown up you will feel ready for them to leave, trust me.

No advice as mine are 11 and 9 and I feel rather the same! Just sympathy. I think the oldest starting secondary school is a really big change. I'm watching with interest to see if anyone whose children are older has words of wisdom.

Thank you Palominoo, sounds like you have a lovely balanced life. Really helpful to read that. And Cremant sorry it’s hitting you as well. Hopefully feelings will get less intense with time.

I really felt I lost my DS1 when he started at secondary school. He really seemed to pull away from me, within weeks. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

He's now 15 and - when he emerges from his room - he's so much happier and more engaged with us all again.

I'm dreading his younger brother starting in September. ☹️

I'm afraid I have no advice, but your career troubles have probably created a bit of a void. I find it easier if I have something going "up" in my life when another area is staying the same or going "down".You feel you're losing the little-kid part of your life, but haven't decide what the next stage is going to look like. I think if you forced yourself to start making plans and decisions about your work future, you'd feel more in control of your whole life again.

I envy you having a 4 y/o! I'd happily do it all over again.

I don't know but I know I was happiest in the pre-schooler days
I can't imagine feeling like that again

Mollyslips how did he pull away from you?
I think I feel like that about mine in a way and mine is only in reception

Thank you mollyslips that is helpful. Interesting to hear your experiences with your sons and I hope things are not so tricky with the second. You’re right about the career. I’ve been clinging onto something that doesn’t really work for me now because I’m not sure what else I could do, so maybe I should be focusing on that instead of worrying about what’s going to happen anyway.

purpleme I hope you do get to feel that happy again sometime. Early days if yours is in reception. If you have a son, I have heard boys have a bit of a testosterone surge around about 4yrs and can change quite quickly then. Maybe that’s part of it.

Thank you rainyafternoon. mine's a girl so can't be the testosterone thing. Yes early days I guess

I think the teenage years will help you learn to separate from them.

Thank you MrsDelvin. I do hope so. Everyone’s children grow up (if they’re lucky) and most people seem to manage. Maybe this particular phase has just unfortunately coincided with other crap (job peri menopause etc) so Im struggling. Don’t mind feeling that the happiest days are behind me but i do mind feeling like I’ll be stuck with this gut wrenching sadness or just emptiness for the rest of my life...