My baby turns 1 a week today. I'm not ready, I'm not ready at all.
I really struggled to bond with her at the start, wished the weeks and months away, desperate to get out of the little baby stage and to a point where she could be independent and I could regain some of my freedom. I went back to work when she was 5 months old, full time, so I didn't have to be stuck with her all day. The last few months we've really clicked now, she's walking and can entertain herself for a few moments. She laughs and smiles at me and has her own little personality and while I'll never compare to the delight and adoration she has for her grandpa (he is her favourite person on the planet!) I'm definitely her second favourite. But now in a week she went be a baby anymore, but technically a toddler. And I feel like I missed the baby stage because I hated it so much. It's not fair just just as I'm starting to love being a mum and love having a baby she's about to stop being one! I'm not ready to start saying she's 1 year old rather than 10, 11 months etc. I want to freeze this point in her life, this is the peak, and not have her keep growing, but stay my happy and independent-but-still-totally-needy baby.
I've planned a small but intricate party for her next weekend, just family invited, and when its daytime and I have work to do and planning I get excited about it, but at night when she's tucked up and I'm just lying in bed I get all upset. Silly isn't it? If recently post partum me could see me now she'd do anything to switch places and get to this stage, now I'm here all i want to do is go back to those early exhausting days and sit on the sofa snuggling my tiny baby again. sob